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My Wife Asleep

by Barney 

Posted: 13 October 2003
Word Count: 48
Summary: Does exactly what it says on the tin.

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My wife asleep
In Summer, only the sheet.
The duvet discarded like a shed
Skin at the foot of the bed.
Her torso covered, cocooned against cold,
Yet a mermaid’s tail spreads
Over her feet.
Count the creases and folds
To work out how long
She’s been asleep.

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Comments by other Members

olebut at 14:56 on 13 October 2003  Report this post

nice imagery may I suggest you disable the capital letter function at the start of each line assuming you typed this in word it spoils the flow but i love the image

take care


peterxbrown at 01:00 on 15 October 2003  Report this post
Very ,very good. Lovely imagery. I am not too sure about the split line shed/skin. The image of agarden shed popped into my thoughts before I could stop it! It is intentionally amusing , but is it in keeping with the whole?
Its a really good piece of work anyway!!

Barney at 23:10 on 15 October 2003  Report this post
Oh no! Now I see a shed! What will the wife think?! As for the capitals, I guess I'm an old traditionalist who finds it hard to shake them off, even when I know I should!


pene at 18:01 on 11 November 2003  Report this post
I really liked the imagery in this, I too however got stuck on shed before realising the connection with skin on the following line, I would suggest removing the word shed?? think it flows a bit better without losing the image??

Best wishes Pene

pene at 18:04 on 11 November 2003  Report this post
ps. and putting skin where shed was

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