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Horror Novel Prologue

by JasonX 

Posted: 23 March 2008
Word Count: 1649
Summary: Basically it will be about a detective who goes around solving crimes to do with characteers such as Fredy Krueger and Leatherface


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Prologue

Jill stared up at the old sign decorating the abandoned camp site - how cliché. She pushed her way through the smashed-in gate and made her way down the cobblestone path. She hummed as she walked, in time to her feet pacing on the earth. Surely, no one believed the stories; there was no way that the girl had been killed here. She stopped as she came to the crystal clear lake, radiating moonlight.
“This isn’t so bad…” Jill said to herself as she dipped her big toe into the oddly warm water. Recently, the papers had been flooded with news of a teenage girl, brutally murdered on the shores of the lake. Jill had been dared to come to the lake at night by one of her friends and she was never one to deny a dare. Little by little, she stripped off; “I might as well have a bit of fun while I’m here” she laughed. As she lowered her body into the water she let put a gasp. The temperature had dramatically changed. What moments ago would have been considered a humid autumn day had suddenly turned into a frosty winter’s night. Shivering, she pulled herself back onto the banks of the lake. The sun had sunken hours before, and what only seconds ago was clear in the moonlight was now cloaked in darkness. The moon had been blanketed by the harsh clouds of the sky and Jill couldn’t see her clothes. The small pile should’ve been somewhere near and yet, it had completely disappeared.
“Brrrrrr…” Jill shuddered, as the sky split open. As rain pelted her cold naked body she began to worry.
“Bobby? Sidney? Is that you?” She muttered while slowly getting to grips with the trick her friends must have been playing. It was just like them.
“Where are you? This isn’t funny any more guys…” Cautiously she plodded along the shores of the lake as the cold cover of rain ricocheted off her. She was now freezing and as she received no replies from the friends she was so sure of finding, she began to whimper. To the left of the campsite from which Jill had passed through was a small, dense forest of old willow trees. They drooped to ground where they met with some thick layers of grass. Somewhere within the forest something began to rustle. Tears began to pour down Jill’s face, the salt mixing with the pureness of the rain.
“Wh-Whose there!” She yelled with as much frustration as she could muster. Bursting from the bushes came a large body. It crashed into Jill and knocked her over. As cackles began to emerge from the bent over shape, the full moon emerged from the careless clouds and Jill managed to make out the face of her attacker. It was her boyfriend.
“You should’ve seen the look on your face!” He laughed at the non impressed form of Jill. He bent over and helped her up before breaking down in another fit of laughter.
“You’re such an ass!” She shouted into the night. “What were you doing in those bushes anyway you pervert!” Her boyfriend, David was a stocky stereotypical jock, embodying the school jersey and coated with a large smile. He looked at her angry face and continued to smile.
“I came to support you in your hour of need,” he began, “I couldn’t have you wandering around some dangerous campsite without a guard, there are some dodgy characters around these parts.” David looked around suspiciously before tuning to look at the face of his weakening girlfriend.
“Speak for yourself…” Jill muttered as the rain continued to streak down her face. Slowly, she leant up and gave David a kiss on his cheek.
“So, what did you do with my clothes?” She asked. David looked around awkwardly before replying, “I didn’t touch them.” With the rain lashing down on her Jill realized how tired she really was and that she wasn’t willing to take any crap from her cocky boyfriend.
“Seriously, where are they” She said one more time. Jill could tell by the look on David’s face that he didn’t have them. It was a mixture of anger and confusion as he began to yell.
“Damnit Jill, I came here to help you out, I didn’t realize you were going to be such a bitch!” Turning, he stalked away angrily, stomping his feet on the ground in tune with the rain.
“If he doesn’t have them… Who does?” Jill thought to herself. With one last look around, she dashed away after her moody boyfriend.
“Wait up Dave would you!? I’m sorry I didn’t believe you!” She and David had had these sorts of fights before, always about stupid things. It was a trust thing she and him had been working on a lot, all, due to one time when he had cheated on her, which meant that her lack of trust had good reasoning. She continued to run towards the hulking form of the senior high quarter-back. To a football player David would’ve been big, to anyone like Jill, he was a towering giant. He slowly turned to glare at her.
“We had been going fine until tonight! Hadn’t we?” He said matter-of-factly. Jill stared up at his hollow face. She couldn’t bear to mutter the truth, there were some things better off left unsaid after all. She knew indefinitely that ‘things’ hadn’t been going fine, at least not in her life.
“Can’t you just take me home?” Jill asked in a pleading voice. She was still wet and cold, the thick blanket of rain had seen to that. Slowly, David’s eyes softened as he stared down at the girl for which he would his heart out for. As Jill looked up at him he bent over to kiss her, softly at first before moving into a passionate grip. As the two teenagers lips parted, Jill couldn’t help but glance into her boyfriend’s dark blue, almost black eyes, and into, what she considered his soul. What she could normally make out wasn’t there. She was used to seeing a glow spraying from his insides, overflowing into her, a glow which she knew brought out the best in her. This glow however was no where to be seen. Slowly, David began to back away from her, a look of shock cloaking his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but he could not utter a single word.
“Be-Behind you!” He finally managed to make out. Jill turned away from her lover to once again face the cool lake, and rising out of its depths was a man. While Jill thought of David as somewhat of a giant, he in no way compared to figure trenching out of the blue. The raggedy clothes decorating his body were torn, and peeling away. Jill’s eyes rose to stare into his cold eyes which were hard to see as the beings face was covered in a crudely molded hockey mask.
“Ji-Jill! Run!” David suddenly yelled. She sprung into action, turning to face her terrified boyfriend. Terrified, they both ran back towards the camp gates. With awe, they both glanced up at the once smashed down gates of the complex, now fully working, towering above them and bolted shut.
“What the…” They muttered in unison as they turned to face the man coming out of the lake. His legs were now fully visible, displaying deep red scars. David reached out to grab Jill’s hand.
“This way!” He cried as he pulled her into the grazing of trees. They ran into the forest surrounding the campsite, watching as the man began to walk towards them. In his hand was a sharp machete, coated in dark blood. Jill and David were soon swallowed by the blackness of the woods. After climbing over fallen tree trunks and broken branches, it was inevitable that one of the teens would trip. With a cry, Jill lost her footing as she tumbled down bank into a murky creek.
“Help me!” She called to David as he looked down on her with a startled expression. He turned to face the direction from where hey had come and then let out a muffled sob.
“I-I’m sorry!” He cried as he turned to run. Jill gazed up at the spot where her boyfriend had once stood. She let out a yell of anguish as she pulled herself out of the smelly bog. As she turned to look up at the point from where she fell, she saw the body of the masked man walk passed her, after David. With pain she turned and ran back towards the campsite, back towards where the pain started. She ended up on the verge of the once inviting lake, running through the dirt to get back to her car. She finally managed to make her way up to the newly crafted gate and slowly scrambled over. Jill silently thanked her mother for forcing her into the school athletics team. With a resounding thump she fell to the cobbled road. It was a long stretch, mainly deserted due to the closure of the camp. She slowly lurched off the ground and ran down the dark road to her old second hand car. It was at this time that Jill realized that she didn’t have the keys.
“Shit!” She cried as she turned to once again face the abandoned camp. With a leap from the darkness above came the body of the man from the lake. Jill looked at the frightening sad eyes of the chaser and silently prayed. With an effortless shove, the man plunged his heavy machete into Jill’s stomach. She coughed up blood as she stared down at the dark blade which had penetrated her heart. With a last gasp she glanced up at the killer, and the last thing she would ever see.







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Comments by other Members



Bunbry at 15:27 on 23 March 2008  Report this post
Hi Jason, I am new to this site too. I enjoyed reading your work which is always the most important thing! But one or two comments! Would a girl really strip off and swim at that time of night in a deserted wood? I certaily would not!
Next, where did her clothes go? Did the 'Lake Man ' hide them [and then go back in the lake?]. Not sure why he would do that, rather than just kill her. Would there be blood on his knife if he had been in the lake? Finally if he stabbed her in the stomach he would have to do a funny twist with the knife to get it into her heart.
But apart from a few niggles good stuff, so keep at it!

JasonX at 23:28 on 23 March 2008  Report this post
Thanks for that Burnbry!

I see what you mean with the swimming part. I was thinking too much about old horror slashers! I'll have to edit that a bit.

For the clothing and blood on the knife, they're supposed to create a creepy atmosphere by showing that not everything is normal. I might edit that a bit.

For the final part, I realise now that I completely switched around what I said. That part is now quite different!

Thanks for the comments, good to see you enjoyed it

NMott at 15:14 on 25 March 2008  Report this post
To build suspense I would suggest removing the prompts to the reader that something nasty is going to happen, eg:
Recently, the papers had been flooded with news of a teenage girl, brutally murdered on the shores of the lake.
Instead I would suggest starting with the girl thinking of the romantic interlude she has arranged with her boyfriend at the lake. She could be a tourist who doesn't know the gory history of the lake - that could be introduced in later chapters, eg, by a sheriff or local kids. This lulls the reader into a false sense of security, then when the boyfriend pops up and frightens her it also 'frightenes' the reader (the reader will know it is a horror story from the blurb, so you don't need to spell it out in the prologue).
The second half is good where they are arguing, then one is attacked after the other, and suspense and horror is introduced as the reader wonders which one will escape. Since neither escapes, you don't need to include much background information about them or their relationship, eg:
It was a trust thing she and him had been working on a lot, all, due to one time when he had cheated on her, which meant that her lack of trust had good reasoning

- NaomiM

SJ Williamson at 18:28 on 21 April 2009  Report this post
Evening Jason!

I enjoyed reading your piece which popped up in The Random Read, and although I cannot comment too much technically as I'm not very good on the old grammar and spelling front (!), I thought you may like a comment of some sort.

I popped my first piece onto the site at the weekend, and I've found it to be such an incredibly rewarding and helpful experience, although it made me realise just how much work I need to do to improve my writing!

Firstly ... well done. I think this could be a really spine tingling story with a little polishing.

I really loved:

She stopped as she came to the crystal clear lake, radiating moonlight.


I know you mentioned that you have re-written and corrected your piece so you may have considered this before, but in the following sentence, do you think it would be better to leave out "it was her boyfriend" and go straight into the dialogue, and then explain it was her boyfriend after? It may keep the suspense for a split second.

As cackles began to emerge from the bent over shape, the full moon emerged from the careless clouds and Jill managed to make out the face of her attacker. It was her boyfriend.


Just one silly little thing ... you have two terrifieds. How about "horrified" or "out of their whits"?

She sprung into action, turning to face her terrified boyfriend. Terrified, they both ran back towards the camp gates.


Well done you ... keep going!

SJ


Neezes at 16:09 on 19 September 2010  Report this post
Hi Jason,

I also came across this as a 'random read',

Overall good - I think it is a good idea for a novel.

I would echo the point about 'would the girl do this?'... i.e. character motivation. I can see a scenario where she would, but you maybe need to work on building this up a bit more carefully.

“This isn’t so bad…” Jill said to herself as she dipped her big toe into the oddly warm water. Recently, the papers had been flooded with news of a teenage girl, brutally murdered on the shores of the lake. Jill had been dared to come to the lake at night by one of her friends and she was never one to deny a dare. Little by little, she stripped off; “I might as well have a bit of fun while I’m here” she laughed.


I mean, if you are going to do it at all, maybe the time when someone has just been brutally murdered is not the time!

Also the old adage of 'show us don't tell us' - perhaps we can actually read the scene where her friends dare her. The characterisation can be built up and perhaps we can learn that Jill is impulsive and can't resist a dare to show off....

Keep it up!

Jonathan


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