I really like this!

Casting my eyes up
to purple mounds I know that
heather hills mean home

Just a suggestion...

Whenever a haiku writer has a chance to change and edit, that's a good thing, and I would suggest as you mention both 'purple mounds' and 'heather hills' that you remove one of them, as they mean the same thing.

e.g.

casting my eyes up
I know that
heather hills mean home

a curlew's cry–
casting my eyes up
heather hills mean home

The curlew's cry is just an example, I would always suggest experiential writing with haiku.


This means you can create a juxtaposition of images opportunity because you are free to remove as well I know that because mean home already states intuitively that you know.

Basho was a great editor of his own work, seeing everything as a draft, sometimes for up to a year or more.

I don't think I could that be that patient though. ;-)

all my very best,

Alan

Hello Alan. I'm totally fascinated by your response - thanks so much! I am now going to go away and read it carefully, then act later.

Actually I'm laughing aloud too as it's incredible that 14 words produce such a lengthy reply.

I appreciate your response and your time. I'll be back!

joanie

Version II posted! If it takes a year, Alan, no problem. I'm going nowhere!!

joanie

Coo, I like that the second one

Thanks for looking and responding, Oonah!

joanie

Hello Joanie,

I like version II lots - but have pruned some more:

Golden gorse sunrise -
I cast eyes upwards
heather hills mean home

OK this messes with the syllable count, but I don't think you need 'I' and 'my' - cause we know who the eyes belong to.....or you could omit the 'I' and put 'casting'

Fiddle,fiddle! I stoped trying haikus - they made me feel so infuriated! I guess you need that Oriental Zen -type frame of mind!!

Some lovely words though. Anything that refers to heather gets a thumbs up in my book, being a Yorkshire lass!
xx
tc

Hi tc. It's lovely to see you, Helen. Hope you are well. Thanks very much for the response. I know exactly what you mean with the pruning; my problem is that if someone says 5-7-5, I just have to stick to it!! Aargh!!

The heather here is just starting to look good on the hills - when the gorse joins it, the colours will be fantastic!

Keep in touch on WW!!

joanie

Hi Joanie
I am no expert on haiku, so all i can say is what I like - and I love version II. Golden gorse sunrise is sublime. I can see the light and I can see the heather. It is so visual and warm.
Brilliant!
Kirsty

Aw, thanks, Kirsty! Much appreciated.

joanie

Hi Joanie,

You're getting a lot of nice comments, I'm glad the poem has gone down well! ;-)

Thanks again for your input, Alan.

joanie

Hi Joanie,

I like version two, but agree about the 'as I cast my eyes upwards' bit.

Maybe you could change it slightly, and add something that emphasises how the eyes feel on seeing the beauty around them -

'Wonderous eyes cast upwards'

Or something like this?

Kat x

There have been some good comments here.

But remember haiku are mostly 'concrete images.' It's rare to use adjectives or adverbs, and even verbs are used sparingly. ;-)

Far from needing a zen mind, what is needed is 'very ordinary' language simply hung together.

You can test run if a haiku is being ornate instead of using 'plain language' by turning around in a supermarket queue, or bus stop. ;-)

Basho was the first 'haikai' artist to incorporate ordinary street Japanese instead of the poem (then known as hokku) being overfull with ornate Chinese courtly language.

If you want really good English-language versions of Basho's work check out either Cid Corman, Lucien Stryk, or friend and collegue Bill! ;-)

Bill being 'William Higginson' of classic books such "The Haiku Handbook" and "Haiku World: An International Poetry Almanac."

all my best,

Alan
With Words

Thanks Kat, and Alan (again!) I have a lot of thinking to do I think! All very interesting.

joanie

Hello Joanie. I love the second version as well but the beautiful thing about these are that the more you prune and define, the better they often get. I like TC's suggestion that you change 'I cast' to 'casting' because my feeling is that it flows more naturally that way, particularly when read aloud. What you have done so beautifully, is capture the scents and colours of that not-quite-autumn time of year and I adore it! Conjures up so many gorgeous, restful images. I have always known I am a country girl at heart.
Beanie

Thanks, Beanie. Yes, I'll keep playing with this one!

joanie

For anyone living in London.

I'll be at the Royal Festival Hall on Saturday from 12-3pm! Go to Level 2, Clore Ballroom.

I'll be with fellow haiku writers John Barlow, Karen Hoy, and Matthew Paul, and we'll be launching "The Haiku Journal" and "Wing Beats: British Birds in Haiku". If you buy Wing Beats you can get a free complementary Haiku Journal from me!

Also we'll be at the London Poetry Cafe, Betterton Street, Covent Garden, from 730 til late!!!

Anyone not in London, and lives in the South West, please check my blog: [Area 17]http://area17.blogspot.com[/url]
you will be warmly welcomed coming to the book launch in the 'wild' west. ;-)

all my best,

Alan










<Added>

South of England booklaunches:

Area 17:
http://area17.blogspot.com