 Alan Summers at 10:23 on 23 August 2008
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I really like this!
Casting my eyes up
to purple mounds I know that
heather hills mean home
Just a suggestion...
Whenever a haiku writer has a chance to change and edit, that's a good thing, and I would suggest as you mention both 'purple mounds' and 'heather hills' that you remove one of them, as they mean the same thing.
e.g.
casting my eyes up
I know that
heather hills mean home
a curlew's cry–
casting my eyes up
heather hills mean home
The curlew's cry is just an example, I would always suggest experiential writing with haiku.
This means you can create a juxtaposition of images opportunity because you are free to remove as well I know that because mean home already states intuitively that you know.
Basho was a great editor of his own work, seeing everything as a draft, sometimes for up to a year or more.
I don't think I could that be that patient though. ;-)
all my very best,
Alan
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 joanie at 12:27 on 23 August 2008
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Hello Alan. I'm totally fascinated by your response - thanks so much! I am now going to go away and read it carefully, then act later.
Actually I'm laughing aloud too as it's incredible that 14 words produce such a lengthy reply.
I appreciate your response and your time. I'll be back!
joanie
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joanie at 21:27 on 23 August 2008
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Version II posted! If it takes a year, Alan, no problem. I'm going nowhere!!
joanie
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tinyclanger at 10:57 on 25 August 2008
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Hello Joanie,
I like version II lots - but have pruned some more:
Golden gorse sunrise -
I cast eyes upwards
heather hills mean home
OK this messes with the syllable count, but I don't think you need 'I' and 'my' - cause we know who the eyes belong to.....or you could omit the 'I' and put 'casting'
Fiddle,fiddle! I stoped trying haikus - they made me feel so infuriated! I guess you need that Oriental Zen -type frame of mind!!
Some lovely words though. Anything that refers to heather gets a thumbs up in my book, being a Yorkshire lass!
xx
tc
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joanie at 15:23 on 25 August 2008
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Hi tc. It's lovely to see you, Helen. Hope you are well. Thanks very much for the response. I know exactly what you mean with the pruning; my problem is that if someone says 5-7-5, I just have to stick to it!! Aargh!!
The heather here is just starting to look good on the hills - when the gorse joins it, the colours will be fantastic!
Keep in touch on WW!!
joanie
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 FelixBenson at 17:08 on 25 August 2008
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Hi Joanie
I am no expert on haiku, so all i can say is what I like - and I love version II. Golden gorse sunrise is sublime. I can see the light and I can see the heather. It is so visual and warm.
Brilliant!
Kirsty
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Alan Summers at 18:02 on 25 August 2008
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Hi Joanie,
You're getting a lot of nice comments, I'm glad the poem has gone down well! ;-)
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 Katerina at 10:10 on 26 August 2008
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Hi Joanie,
I like version two, but agree about the 'as I cast my eyes upwards' bit.
Maybe you could change it slightly, and add something that emphasises how the eyes feel on seeing the beauty around them -
'Wonderous eyes cast upwards'
Or something like this?
Kat x
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joanie at 18:45 on 31 August 2008
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Thanks Kat, and Alan (again!) I have a lot of thinking to do I think! All very interesting.
joanie
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Beanie Baby at 20:58 on 10 September 2008
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Hello Joanie. I love the second version as well but the beautiful thing about these are that the more you prune and define, the better they often get. I like TC's suggestion that you change 'I cast' to 'casting' because my feeling is that it flows more naturally that way, particularly when read aloud. What you have done so beautifully, is capture the scents and colours of that not-quite-autumn time of year and I adore it! Conjures up so many gorgeous, restful images. I have always known I am a country girl at heart.
Beanie
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joanie at 21:21 on 11 September 2008
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Thanks, Beanie. Yes, I'll keep playing with this one!
joanie
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Comments by other Members
V`yonne
the second one
