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Why I`ll Not Leave My Desert Island

by tractor 

Posted: 12 September 2008
Word Count: 34
Summary: For the WATER challenge.
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No breaking news
sky, sea and rock,
my island's meteorology.

No highway noise
but tidal ebb and flow,
for soft white sound.

No crowded streets
but rock pools brimming
with mussel, crab and shrimp.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 20:28 on 12 September 2008  Report this post
I love it.
Two points though to consider.

Capitalization - MS Word does this to poetry but you have to consider whether it is appropriate to the other punctuaion - in this case - not.

The title is doing to much. Consider if we read this without the title would we realise it was a paradise?
So maybe:
No breaking news
sky, sea, rock,
my island's meteorology

Thanks for joining in. Brill!
Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)
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tractor at 21:53 on 12 September 2008  Report this post
Thanksfor the useful pointers Oonah. I've taken them on board.

I'll think about the title....trying to be a bit tooclever there.

Cheers


Mark
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joanie at 09:14 on 13 September 2008  Report this post
Hi Mark. I presume this has changed since you posted it as the capitals have gone. I have to say I prefer it without, too. I love repetition in poetry; I like your first lines very much.

This made me long for a desert island, especially the 'soft white sound'. I think if the title is so explicit you need to lose the reference to 'island' in line 3, or vice versa, as Oonah suggests.

Lovely. I'm glad you rose to the challenge!

joanie
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V`yonne at 11:06 on 13 September 2008  Report this post
I looked at this again. The third line isn't right somehow. I'm sure you can come up with someting better than I did because you know what you're trying to put over so much better than I. But I think 'predict my island's weather' is better - meteorology is not magical enough for the place...

Have a think.
Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)
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Nella at 13:25 on 13 September 2008  Report this post
This is lovely, Mark! There's a wonderful sound, especially that "soft white sound". And conjures up a beautiful image.
Many thanks for joining in and sharing!
Robin
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