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Better To Be Late

by  LMJT  ( 1244 )

Posted: 17 September 2008
Word Count: 300
Summary: For this week's 300 word 'Late' challenge. All comments welcome. Thanks in advance. Liam


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Sitting in the cafe where they'd agreed to meet, she checks her watch and sees the bruise around her wrist. He's late. If he's not here by ten past, she'll leave. She lifts her coffee to her lips and notices her hand is trembling. Relax, she tells herself, glancing around at friendly faces. He can't do anything here.

When he walks in, he's smiling the smile that tricked her all those years ago, and for just a split second she's reminded of the man she married.

As he sits, she sees he's chewing gum. So he's tense; he'd chew gum after the beatings. 'You wind me up,' he'd say as she checked to see if he'd knocked out any teeth. 'You push me to it.'

'I'm sorry,' he says now, not meeting her eye. 'I'm sorry about it all. I was angry and I took it out on you.'

'But it's not the first time.'

'I lost my job,' he spits. 'I've been stressed out. How do you think that made me feel?'

She clenches her jaw. 'I don't care,' she says. 'I can't care.'

'But I love you.'

She wants to lift off her jumper to show him the patches of bruises. 'This isn't love,' she wants to scream. 'How can it be?'

Though she doesn't, of course. Instead she stands, catching sight of the taxi she'd ordered pulling up outside.

He grips her wrist. 'I can change. Let me try.'

'No, you can't,' she says, the control in her hands for once. 'It's too late.'

And with that she leaves. She may not know where she's going, but anywhere is better than where she's been.

It's taken time to get this far, but, as her father always said, 'Better to be late than to be dead on time.'




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Comments by other Members


Posted by :  V`yonne at 20:16 on 17 September 2008
Oh.very good and spot on words. Do we think Every Day Fiction, folks?
Posted by :  crowspark at 21:30 on 17 September 2008
This is excellent, Liam. EDF could be a distinct possibility.
You might consider changing some of those "sees" fex

As he sits, she sees he's chewing gum. So he's tense; he'd chew gum after the beatings.


Could be, "He's chewing gum. So he's tense; he'd chew gum after the beatings."

Great moment here,

'No, you can't,' she says, the control in her hands for once. 'It's too late.'


Thanks for the read.

Bill
Posted by :  manicmuse at 22:25 on 17 September 2008
Perfect. Fx
Posted by :  Jordan789 at 22:38 on 17 September 2008
It's good. The tension is there, and the drama is there. I only wanted the decision for her to stand up and leave to take a little more time. Also, the summarized ending didn't work for me. I'd try to redo the last couple of lines.

Jordan
Posted by :  Bunbry at 23:11 on 17 September 2008
A good take on the theme. As usual, powerful stuff and well told. My only question - what was the purpose of them meeting up [and so briefly]?
Posted by :  Jubbly at 09:55 on 18 September 2008
Very powerful and a good read. This linein particular - When he walks in, he's smiling the smile that tricked her all those years ago, and for just a split second she's reminded of the man she married- is incredibly moving and very telling about her character and the whole terrible dilemma. Great last line.

Well done
J
Posted by :  LMJT at 11:27 on 18 September 2008
Thank you for your comments everyone.

Bill, I've taken that on board and will amend as soon as possible. Thanks for pointing it out as it's something I use a lot.

Jordan, agreed that the last couple of lines are clumsy. I wrote this very quickly last night and was way over the word count. I'll have a look over again and see what I can do.

Nick, why were they there? I think it's because she wanted to tell him that it wa over in a public place because all the times before she's been bullied into staying.

Thanks again.
Posted by :  Forbes at 13:33 on 18 September 2008
Hi Liam - you could put those last lines in form of speech - from her to him. Just a thought.

Strong flash, I loved it.

Avis

EDF, The Pygmy Giant maybe even try Boston Literary Magazine. Robin could well identify with the MC. Good Luck
Posted by :  Jumbo at 17:29 on 18 September 2008
Liam

Great writing - spot on with the emotional potential between these two. And great dialogue.

A neat take on the prompt and nicely delivered. Thanks for the read.

john


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