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The Day Rawlins was Eaten by a Shark

by Jordan789 

Posted: 17 October 2008
Word Count: 277
Summary: For this week's challenge.


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It would have made more sense if this happened: Just imagine, please. I need you to go with me here. Under a perfect Hawaii wind, Rawlins paddles on his surfboard, out, and out, and out, until he just drifts. The sun bakes away his mind, and the gulls fight over an empty bag of Doritos. He thinks about you, sits up, straight-backed, his legs dangling on either side of the board. He misses you, although he doesn’t completely understand this. Then he turns onto his stomach and lets his fingers and arms drift in the cold water.

After an hour of floating, he paddles into the beach. The distance is long and when the board finally grinds across the sandy bottom, he remains in the surf to catch his breath. He finishes the day with a pint of beer, or maybe one of those pina coladas they serve in pineapples, and he promises himself that tomorrow he will try to catch a wave. He tells the locals about you, about how much he misses you. He says the smell of the candle in his room reminds him of you.

He returns to you, suntanned and ready for his job interview at the bank. He smiles all of the time and brings you tropical flowers that look like birds. He cooks dinner for you, and when you wash the dishes he approaches you from behind, wraps his arms around you and whispers in your ear that he loves you. You both listen to NPR and scoff at the program about rising divorce rates. You will live happily ever after. You will be great grandparents.

Just imagine. Now stop.






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 06:57 on 18 October 2008  Report this post
You got me all imagining, Jordan, that idyllic scene.

Then wham: 'Just imagine. Now stop.'

Enjoyed.

Jennifer

Prospero at 09:50 on 18 October 2008  Report this post
Now, that is different! Very clever to give us a picture with your title, Jordan, and then have us replace it with a 'What If' scenario that you then snatch away again. Great, thought-provoking, impact. I liked this very much. Well done.

Best

John

V`yonne at 11:42 on 18 October 2008  Report this post
I suppose getting eaten by a shark would put paid to dreams of living happily ever after

Bunbry at 12:38 on 18 October 2008  Report this post
Top notch work Jordan. I enjoyed it immensely. No nits.


Nick

Forbes at 22:48 on 18 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Jordan

what can I say about this? The premise is fine, but asking the reader to imagine their life with the poor sod didn't work for me. I don't want a relationship with him, so it made no emotional connection to me.

But the way you turned on a sixpence at then end was... cute. And the title gave most of it away, as said before.

Avis

Jordan789 at 01:02 on 19 October 2008  Report this post
Hey all, thanks very much for reading and the comments.

In using the 2nd person POV I wasn't necessarily trying to supplant the MC onto the reader, at least that's not what I intended. I pictured the voice to be a therapists during a hyper-hypnosis event, where he'd drag the ultimate opposite out of what actually happened and shove the scenario down the patient's throat: "Face the fantasy from my lips and see how it makes you feel." However, as I'm sure you can see, that has its plausible errors. It's a direction though it's all directed at something, you see!

Cute is okay by me, Avis. Thanks. =P

Jordan

Forbes at 01:24 on 19 October 2008  Report this post
I am so happy you are satisfied with that Jordan

Avis

Jumbo at 11:09 on 19 October 2008  Report this post
Jordan

A great story device this, cleverly executed.

You paint a great picture of how it could have been and then at its height snatch it away.

Very clever, thanks for sharing it.

john

choille at 11:47 on 19 October 2008  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

This is so atmospheric - the cool water, the sand under the board, flowers like like birds - know the ones you mean - can see them. And then like a video it suddenly stops very abruptly, forces us to re-wind & play back a different version.

Most unsettling. Brilliant pace.
Excellent writing.
All the best
Caroline.

Tiny nit. Should 'Hawaii wind' be 'Hawaiian wind'?

Jubbly at 14:47 on 20 October 2008  Report this post
I enjoyed this and just went with it as suggested. Loved the ending and actually did feel I was snapping out of something. Of course reading the hypnotist theory all is explained. Great stuff.

Jx

Mazzy at 11:35 on 22 October 2008  Report this post
This was really spooky. I loved....

The sun bakes away his mind, and the gulls fight over an empty bag of Doritos.

and the whole mind-drifting feeling in this one.

The ending brought me up short with a satisfying snap. I like the way that the title does all of the rest of the work in revealing the way the story finishes.

I wasn't too bothered by the use of the 2nd person singlular....I guess the convention of a story addressing a 'you' who isn't actually 'me' worked in this case.... I was content to take this as a story about Rawlins having a future that he'll never actually get to experience, the 'how it should have been...'

Mazzy


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