Login   Sign Up 



by BaMc 

Posted: 01 November 2008
Word Count: 106
Summary: Here's my effort for the flash, got it together (of sorts!) today, after a couple of failed attempts. Hopefully, it can only get better!

Font Size

Printable Version
Print Double spaced

And this is where they...shall we say – lived?
Can you see? See how the light – as meek
as the tormented – shies away from the floor?

What brutes our forefathers, ma’am, you say?
Perhaps. Those who emerged wore the carapace one way
or another forever more: it bowed their backs, fouled
their eyes, they were cowed, gazed
ever inwards.

How did they come to be here? They were felons, of
course - they robbed; they maimed; they got
high. Some did the unspeakable. I know,
I know – imagine incarcerating deviants
like this!

Shall we close the door? No – a simulacrum
too far?

Favourite this work Favourite This Author

Comments by other Members

DJC at 21:56 on 01 November 2008  Report this post
Barbara - I took a few readings of this for the scene to sink in, but now it has, I think this is a very accomplished reading of the theme. The idea of the empty room being a part of the history of the felons imprisoned there is very effective indeed. The voice of the narrator comes through very clearly, and the rather glib tones work in counterpoint to the unpleasant nature of the monologue. And the last stanza, bringing in the idea of simulacrum, is inspired! A case of not wanting too much reality!

Superb - loved it!


BaMc at 22:13 on 01 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Darren, appreciate your comments. Relieved that it seems to work! It could have done with a lot more time and attention, but I'm glad I got something posted, and that somebody could make some sense of it! Thank you.

joanie at 22:24 on 01 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Barbara. This takes a bit of re-reading, but my goodness, it's worth it! I liked the voice of the narrator very much and the punctuation. I think it would make a good performance piece.

Great response!


FelixBenson at 22:43 on 01 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Barbara,
Wow this is great. I love the use of voice - something I am partial to in poetry.
A really unique idea.

BaMc at 23:28 on 01 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks so much for your comments, Joanie & Kirsty. Could do with developing some, but it's very encouraging you got something from it!


Nella at 09:46 on 02 November 2008  Report this post
Barbara, I really liked the narrative style, too. Especially liked the line "the light... shies away from the floor"
Very good poem!

V`yonne at 12:36 on 02 November 2008  Report this post
Total agreement! It's wonderful and of course now you can put a bit of polish on it if you want vbut really you have a poem already! Exceelent!

BaMc at 18:26 on 02 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Robin & Oonah, all this positivity will really keep me going!

To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .