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Average Jo synopsis V2

by mafunyane 

Posted: 08 November 2008
Word Count: 513
Summary: Slightly revised for the third time(!), this is the synopsis for Average Jo and the Magnificent Seven, a kids adventure novel for 8-12s.
Related Works: Average Jo Chapter 1 • Average Jo CHAPTER 2 • Average Jo Chapter 4 • 

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Thirteen year old JO BAKER is bored of her average suburban life and jumps at the chance to join her film-making aunt and uncle for the summer in South Africa’s largest national park. At first she’s not impressed by her canvas home, the size of the spiders or her uncle’s interest in boring birds. The book her brother gave her about trampling elephants doesn’t help either.

When she befriends quirky Afrikaans boy, LOURENS DE KLERK, who lost his mother when he was just five, and his black friend, KENNY NKUNA, who has the most amazing cheekbones, she starts to appreciate her surroundings more. The three friends enjoy a range of amazing wildlife adventures, from evading charging elephants and saving an abandoned buffalo calf to capturing giraffes. The only downside is the way some people treat Kenny.

Lourens also introduces Jo to the captivating stories of the Magnificent Seven, a group of elephants with massive tusks whose record-breaking ivory is now on display in the local Museum. When the Museum is ransacked and the beautiful curved tusk of her favourite animal is stolen, Jo pledges to get it back. Ignoring claims that mourning elephants are to blame, she first suspects everyone’s hero, crocodile-wrestling OOM LOUIS, after witnessing him in an uncharacteristic argument with a mysterious man.

The mystery man turns out to be Lourens’ beloved father, MR DE KLERK, and when her own photographic evidence also shows him at the Museum on the night of the theft, Jo has to find out more. Worried for Lourens’ sake, she breaks into de Klerk’s workshop and discovers he is carving illegal ivory trinkets for sale to tourists.

Her relationship with Kenny now growing, the two hatch a plot to follow de Klerk on the upcoming giraffe capture to Mozambique, where they believe he may stash the ivory. Just before they set off across the border, Jo comes face to face with the biggest tusker of them all. Stranded in the bush with a ten tonne elephant standing over her, she ends up using a trick from her brother’s book to save her own life.

As expected, de Klerk takes a detour to bury the tusk and Jo and Kenny retrieve it once he has gone. Dragging the ivory through the bush, they come under threat from a pride of hungry lions. A large herd of elephant come to their rescue and escort them safely back to the border where they radio for help. The long walk gives Jo a chance to re-consider her average life and the value of a secure and loving family.

Back at camp, Jo and Kenny confide in Oom Louis and discover that Lourens’ father had been worried about losing his job. Louis agrees to offer him a new position where his carving skills can be put to good use, the tusk is put back on display and Lourens never needs to know the truth.

Jo returns home with a new found appreciation of herself and her life, an insatiable interest in the natural world, and the memory of a wonderful romance.






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Comments by other Members



NMott at 15:08 on 08 November 2008  Report this post
After a first read through it looks pretty good. I like the opening paragraph. although it is a little detailed it gives a taste of the prose and the humour in the story.

Lourens also introduces Jo to the world of the MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, a group of elephants with massive tusks


I wonder if that should be 'story' rather than 'world', as 'world' gives the impression the elephants are still alive.
Also, Magnificent Seven doesn't need to be in capitals.

finds he is carving ivory trinkets


Should that be 'illegally carving'? I knowe from previous synopsis he's using old ivory to get round the CITIES convention, but maybe you need to include the fact that it's illegal to sell fresh ivory somewhere.

Remembering a trick from her brother’s book, Jo manages to escape and she and Kenny stow-away on the truck as planned.


It's good that you've linked this to the book mentioned in the opening sentence, but I'm not sure the rest of the sentence works. Maybe just say what the trick is and simply say they escape.

and buries the three metre long tusk under a marula tree. When the truck heads off, Jo and Kenny dig the ivory out and struggle to drag it through the bush.


Too much detail. Simply say, he 'buries the tusk'.

Confiding in OOM LOUIS


Only the first mention of the name needs to be in capitals.

Confiding in OOM LOUIS, they discover de Klerk had been worried about losing his job and Louis agrees to offer him a new position where his carving skills can be put to good use. The tusk is put back on display in the cleaned-up Museum and Lourens never knows the truth.


I've forgotten who Lourens are. The names Louis and Lourens are fairly similar so it could be a little confusing remembering who is who through the book.

There are some bits that are a bit wordy, so may be worth seeing if you can cut the odd word here and there eg, 'struggle to drag it' could simply be 'drag it', and 'cleaned-up museum' could simply be 'museum'.


- NaomiM

mafunyane at 15:16 on 08 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks for speedy response, Naomi! I've already made some changes based on your feedback (good point about the illegality of what he's doing).

When I come back to this in a couple of days I think I'll be able to cut the wordiness too...

Cheers,

Anna

NMott at 15:20 on 08 November 2008  Report this post
Ignoring claims that the attack is down to mourning elephants, she first suspects everyone’s hero, crocodile-wrestling OOM LOUIS, after seeing him in an uncharacteristic angry argument with a mysterious man. But then she discovers his opponent was Lourens’ beloved father, and her own photographic evidence also shows MR DE KLERK at the Museum on the night of the theft.


There is a lot of plot in the second half of this paragraph, but it is a little confusing when louren's father is referred to as father, and then as De Klerk - it's easy to miss the fact that De Klerk is Louren's father. And it is repeating the link between Louren and his father towards the end - where I said 'I've forgotten who Lourens is'.

<Added>

oops, i mean 'And it is worth repeating.. '

Cornelia at 15:54 on 08 November 2008  Report this post
This seems a suitably action-packed adventure which I assume is for the young adult market. The plot stages are clear and well worked-out in terms of cause and effect and I imagine it would have appeal to environment-conscious pre-teens as well as those who like the safari-style setting.

I think the title's great and could imagine a whole series built around this girl - I'd call this one something like 'Average Jo and the Magnificent Seven'.

At first she’s not impressed by her tattered canvas home, the size of the spiders and the number of boring birds. And the book her brother gave her about trampling elephants doesn’t help either.


I wonder if 'tattered' isn't going too far. Presumably the tent has to be reasonably secure and not full of holes. Maybe 'basic' would suit. Would African birds really be boring? You could do without the 'And' in the second sentence. For first impressions its probably best to stick to orthodox grammar although I know sentences starting with 'and' are acceptable in novels these days. I'm not sure about books for young readers.

And through the experiences


Same comment as above.

Though she’s not so sure about


Ditto with 'though'. You don't need it but inany case it shouldn't come at the start of a sentence.

captivated by the tuskers’ stories.


sounds like the elephants are telling stories. Maybe 'tales about the mighty tuskers'

Ignoring claims that the attack is down to mourning elephants,


Not clear what this means. 'Down to' is a bit vague. I thought at first it might be elephants who attacked because they were mourning their dead comrades, then maybe people who disapproved of them being in museums. 'world of' is also a bit obscure.

But then she discovers his opponent was Lourens’ beloved father,


Again, a conjunction at the start of the sentence jars, but I also can't understand the point being made here.

With her relationship


could be 'Their relationship growing closer, Kenny and Jo...'

upcoming giraffe capture trip


sounds clumsy.Could it be just ' a giraffe safari' ?

Stranded in the bush with a ten tonne elephant standing over her she reappraises her average life and finds new appreciation for her own, and her family’s qualities. Remembering a trick from her brother’s book, Jo manages to escape and she and Kenny stow-away on the truck as planned.


I don't think Jo would have time for all this thinking at the time, which is what it sounds like. You need to put the escape first,perhaps:

It's only after a narrow escape from a charging elephant that Jo learns to value a life of predictable routine with loving parents.

Thirteen year old JO Baker is delighted to be escaping her average suburban life when she


Changing the sentence slightly at the start could emphasise it more to remind us of one problem that is being tackled here :

Thirteen year old Jo Baker, bored by her average suburban life, jumps at the chance to join...

(I see this as the motivation behind a whole series of future adventures)

the three metre long tusk


could just be 'the missing tusk'?

Lourens never knows the truth.


sugggest 'finds out' instead of 'knows', but we can't really know that, as the situation is ongoing. Maybe 'Lourens is not told about his father's role in..'

Jo leaves Africa with a new found appreciation of herself and her life, an insatiable interest in the natural world, and the memory of a beautiful boy.


This is a satisfying conclusion. I'd say 'newly-discovered' instead of new-found and I don't like 'beautiful' to describe the boy. Maybe 'a wonderful friendship' ?

Good luck with this, which seems to have all the ingredients for a gripping story - good characters, interesting setting and a credible and fast-moving plot-line. As I said, I can just see Jo getting into a whole lot of scrapes in future.

Sheila

Sheila

<Added>

Sorry if I've duplicated points made before. It was the first comment when I started, but it took me a while.

mafunyane at 16:51 on 08 November 2008  Report this post
Sheila, thanks - really useful stuff here and I agree with everything you've highlighted. And yes, it is called 'Average Jo and the Magnificent Seven' (just didn't type the whole lot in!).

BTW, I did mean elephants mourning their dead friends who were now in the Museum - because elephants are known to pick up, move and generally have an interest in the bones of other ellies. And in the book, this is built up as a cover story by the culprit... But will do my best to make it (succintly) clearer here.

Thanks again!

Anna

mafunyane at 18:20 on 08 November 2008  Report this post
Sheila and Naomi - edited again with both your comments in mind. Thanks so much!

Anna

Cornelia at 22:34 on 08 November 2008  Report this post
Wow! You've done a fantastic job on this and it sounds great.
Good luck with placing it.

Sheila

NMott at 23:38 on 08 November 2008  Report this post

Very good rewrite, Anna.

Tiny niggle:

Just before the capture truck


- I don't think you need the word 'capture'. Maybe instead have: Just before De Klerk's truck..

Otherwise, it seems fine.

All the best with it.


- NaomiM

Ellie C at 20:54 on 09 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Anna

This synopsis is really good so I have no comments to make. My only question is on technique: are we supposed to put names in capital letters? It's just that I've read on another link that agents/publishers don't like that style and to keep it all in lower case?

Ellie.

NMott at 21:12 on 09 November 2008  Report this post
are we supposed to put names in capital letters?


You're right, Ellie, it is a matter of Agents' personal taste, and is more common when submitting treatments for scripts than when submitting synopses for novels.
Some Agents dislike the practice, others don't mind either way, and others find it helps to distinguish the main protagonists/antagonists, so if they lose the thread of who is who further down the synopsis it is easy to double check who they are by finding the name in capitals.
A writer is not going to have their submission rejected simply because they have used capitals, but it is worth Googling the Agent/Agency prior to submission to see if they have expressed any preferences regarding submission format.


- NaomiM

Issy at 00:05 on 10 November 2008  Report this post
Hi, Synopsis sounds great to me, but I'm not too hot on getting to grips with a synopsis. Having read parts of the story already, I am blown away by the story. All the best for this.

mafunyane at 15:09 on 10 November 2008  Report this post
Thanks Ellie and Issy!

BigSmile at 14:45 on 12 November 2008  Report this post
Hi Anna

I think you've done a stunning job with this version. It's clear, precise and to the point, and is engaging to read.

I have only one minor point to make:
and when her own photographic evidence also shows him at the Museum on the night of the theft
I wasn't clear why the word "also" was included. There's been no mention of her photographic evidence before.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but "well done"!

Good luck with submitting it.

Simon


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