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The Doll Factory

by freynolds 

Posted: 25 February 2009
Word Count: 197
Summary: First paragraph of a book in progress


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The first item on the page caught his eye. Erik had never entered any competition of any kind but this one was special. The prize was a brand new state-of-the art but easy to use camera.
It was simple enough as well. All that was required was to fill in contact details and send a photograph. Erik could do that! He was sure he could. In fact he was going to. He cut out the form and carefully wrote his name, age and address. There was even a self addressed envelope provided to the attention of Jeremy Bradley at The Argus. The only problem was the photograph. Erick did not own a camera and he had no photographs except for a couple of faded shot of his parents. He remembered his mother well. She had died when he was ten, he was not sure exactly what had happened as since the accident his memory had been reluctant to retrieve information but he had a warm feeling in his mind whenever he thought of her. Occasionally a memory would be triggered but never was he able to retrieve a whole chapter at once and only shreds made it






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Comments by other Members



fbtoast at 23:18 on 30 March 2009  Report this post
Hullo

On the whole, I like this. Erik is likeable.

I'll just say what I liked and what I didn't get, in the order it comes up:

Should you use "any" twice in the space of 4 words?

Why is this competition special? Is it because the prize is a camera? But a camera does not seem like a particularly unusual prize for a competition? Or is this telling us something about Erik - that he's camera-mad? Or that at this point in his life he has a particular need for a camera? I think it's ok that we don't know the answers to these questions at this stage.

I don't think you need to say "brand new state of the art but easy to use camera" - a brand new camera would be sufficient.

I love "Erik could do that. He was sure he could. In fact he was going to." I love the movement of it and what it says about Erik as a person.

I can't tell - is Erik meant to be a child or arrested in some way developmentally?

Seems a bit odd that a newspaper competition would provide a self-addressed envelope - I've never seen that before!

Erik is spelled both as Erik and as Erick in this paragraph. Which one is it?

Should be "a couple of faded shots" (not "shot")

Did his mother die in the accident mentioned, or is this some unrelated accident which has caused him to lose his memory?

I like the "warm feeling in his mind" - I like the fuzziness of it. I hate it when writers come up with some very precise evocation of something specific because that's meant to be more real, when in fact often, it is just something as vague as a "warm feeling".

Why "never was he", instead of "he was never"?

Why "a whole chapter"? Is it intended that he is the sort of person who thinks of his life as if it were a book?

The paragraph seems to stop mid-sentence. Did something get lost?



freynolds at 09:28 on 01 April 2009  Report this post
Thanks Nicole for the feedback. Much appreciated.

There are a few typos as you noticed. Erik is the correct spelling. He is now in his thirties and mentally challenged. I'll need to do some more work on the opening paragraph (the all so crucial opening to any book) and replace the self-addressed envelope with another easy option for Erik to submit his photograph.

Behind the opening paragraph; Erik used to own a camera when he was a child (before his mother died in the accident). The shots of his parents is what he will submit to the competition and it will reveal dark secrets that both Erik and Jeremy will uncover: what happened to Erik's camera? What happened to his mother? What did he see? Why can't he recall? What is the doll factory?

As I said it is a work in progress and much editing is required but I wanted to test the water, so to speak with the opening.

I hope to see some of your work uploaded too.

Best wishes

Fabienne

Mand245 at 09:58 on 01 April 2009  Report this post
Hi Fabienne

I'm afraid I've only just got around to reading this so please forgive me. I think Nicole has this pretty much covered so I won't repeat things. I just wanted to say, especially in light of the information you put in your response to Nicole's coments, that I think this story definitely has "legs"! I'm a huge fan of character rather than event led fiction and I think there's a lot of milage in the character of Erik.

I should also say that I think the title is intriguing and I'm looking forward to finding out more!

Mand

freynolds at 20:08 on 01 April 2009  Report this post
Thank you Mand! I'll post an update soon but there are a few items people have posted recently and my priority is to read them and provide some feedback as you guys have been so good at recently.

Best wishes

Fabienne






SJ Williamson at 15:48 on 22 April 2009  Report this post
A really nice start. It made me want to know more, and I also agree that Erik's character sounds very likeable.

I thought this was a really nice first few sentences in the book, and I liked the details of the prize very much as I think it shows that it would be very special to Erik to have a "new state of the art" but "easy to use" camera.

Same thoughts on the SAE as Nicole ... it would have been a bit unusual!

It would be nice to know what the photographs of his parents were like before you mention about the family story. Just a thought!

SJx



freynolds at 16:11 on 22 April 2009  Report this post
Thanks SJ. I see you have been very busy and thorough in getting to know all work and members. You probably know as much as anyone elsei n the group.

I still got to get back to this story. I've done a few more chapters but need to consider the stage of the story so that I have a skeleton to work from and plump up.

You just reminded I got to work on it. Thanks!

Fabienne


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