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Dust upon the sea
Posted: 13 April 2009
Word Count: 74
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I taste the salty spray,
Hear the droning hum,
See the waves that come
Pounding against the bow.
I feel unhindered winds
Smell the breath of sea
Stretching blue eternity
To some far-distant shore
I trace the Oceans form
That laps and swells around me
Rising, falling endlessly
Just dust upon the sea.
I watch reflected light
Ride the metronome
But the ebb and flow has gone
The sway of life has left me
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Comments by other Members
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 nickb at 21:19 on 05 May 2009
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Epona Love, I love the vulnerability you manage to get into this, and the sense of scale. I can certainly relate to the sea knocking any self importance out of me!
Not sure about "some far distant shore", maybe seems a bit obvious somehow?
Interesting twist at the end as well. It raises a lot more questions than it answers.
Really enjoyed it.
N
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 paul53 [for I am he] at 10:21 on 04 September 2009
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Hi Epona, it has been a long time.
There is much to commend in this piece. It has all the ingredients of becoming one of your portfoilio works, but I feel there is probably more there than is needed.
You have not indicated the level of feedback required, so I will tread gingerly.
The previous comment about the "far distant shore" has some weight; I would consider trying "undreamed of shore" or similar.
The final line, though telling rather than showing the direction of the work, is a blunt echo of what was hinted at in the penultimate line.
More radically, I have a bold suggestion.
Line 1 of the fourth stanza inserted between lines 2 & 3 of the first stanza;
line 2 of the fourth inserted between lines 2 & £ of the second; the same with line 3 in the third; making a poem of three stanzas of five lines each, and losing the final line which, to the poet, may seem the whole point, but to the reader has already been indicated so eloquently in the piece.
Hence:
I taste the salty spray,
Hear the droning hum,
I watch reflected light
See the waves that come
Pounding against the bow.
I feel unhindered winds
Smell the breath of sea
Ride the metronome
Stretching blue eternity
To some far-distant [undreamed of?] shore
I trace the Oceans form
That laps and swells around me
But the [my?] ebb and flow has gone
Rising, falling endlessly
Just dust upon the sea. |
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If this is more constructive criticism than you were expecting, then my apologies, but I remember your poetry submissions from my previous sojourn here and know the heights you often reach with it.
Paul
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Epona Love at 17:21 on 07 September 2009
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Thank you Paul. I don't mind your suggestions at all, some interesting and useful ideas that I hadn't considered, so i will have to put some thought into it all. I don't like the idea of just taking your version and using it because it wouldn't feel like my work, altough you just re-arranged it... thinking! And really like your suggestion of 'undreamed of shore'. Will have to come back to this one I think. Great to have you back!
Emma x
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