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Quiet Blue

by nickb 

Posted: 15 May 2009
Word Count: 136


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My sin is tight lipped.
Once the soft graze flares
no wind will blow off course,
no current rip it far
for a carcass on the shore.
The sea can rage on tongues slipped soft,
lash rain on twined fingers
or howl in the silence
which cannot part lip from lip.

No speech gilds my guilt.
This big sky thrones me,
spurns judgement to rant
and seethe until judgement day,
while tacit life, unvoiced
shouts at the same sky
that washes time away.
Quiet blue conceives consequence,
its stillness cures and kills expertly.

My silent offence is silence.
A relentless thrum chokes,
conceals strident song
crafts discord longing for a day,
a night of unbroken significance.
I am fashioned by a falcon
calling along the heath,
kissed by a distant life
which sings with eager breath.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 16:45 on 15 May 2009  Report this post
I loved the way you used language here and the images that crowded into my mind as I read. I agree that the meaning tended to get lost and a little clarification would help as to what the sin of silence is about. However I note that the title words are contained within the text and perhaps a new title could clarify the piece - just a thought.

Alan Summers at 17:07 on 15 May 2009  Report this post
Very astute reply V'yonnne.

V'yonne makes it clear that there is a terrific poem here, it just needs clarification (I suffer from this too, believe me <grin>.

Plus a title can often work as an extra line or micro-verse and you have several interesting options here.

You can use a title that spells out what the sin is and people can delve into the poem already knowing what it's about, and relax into the language.

Another option is make the last line clarify what the sin is, and go for a teaser title, there are so many options, enjoy! ;-)

all my very best,

Alan

nickb at 21:15 on 15 May 2009  Report this post
Great feedback you two, many thanks. Reading it again I agree it lacks clarity....I was conscious when I was writing this that I wasn't entirely sure where it was going and I guess that confusion comes through. I will work on it to try and make it more coherent.

V`yonne at 13:52 on 16 May 2009  Report this post
I'd be interested to see the rewrite, Nick. Give us a shout when you've revised it. And don't forget you are up on Wednesday


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