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Feeling fruity?
Posted: 19 May 2009
Word Count: 12
Summary: I can only apaologise.....
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Slippery juiced fingers,
pear peeled naked, split open
for waiting tongue tip
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 nickb at 15:30 on 19 May 2009
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Alan,
obviously my slippery fingers caused the (non deliberate) typo in the summary.
I'm glad you found this amusing, it put a smile on my face.
So tell me, what are the rules around what is Haiku and what is not? I'm not sure I've ever understood it.
Regards,
Nick
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nickb at 22:32 on 19 May 2009
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Alan,
this any better?
Feeling fruity?
Split open the pear,
peeled naked, succulent.
Lick sweet juice with the tongue’s tip
from slippery fingers
and the wrist where it has dripped.
Gently kiss the flesh,
slid between pursed lips
with eyes closed to smell,
to taste its luscious sweat.
The first soft bite is always the best,
the involuntary “hmmm” is
testimony to the rest.
Cigarette anyone?
N
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 Alan Summers at 12:18 on 20 May 2009
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The poem still needs a little work, but it's lookin' good! ;-)
A suggested version, with more natural syntax, and watching line breaks...
Feeling fruity?
Split open the pear,
peel it naked, succulent.
Lick its sweet juice
with a tongue’s tip;
use slippery fingers
and where the wrist has dripped
gently kiss it;
slide it between pursed lips,
with eyes closed:
just smell,
taste its luscious sweat.
The first soft bite
it's always the best,
the involuntary “hmmm”
is testimony to the rest.
Cigarette anyone?
Use or discard, just thinking out aloud, but this has really moved on! ;-)
all my very best,
Alan
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Beanie Baby at 10:06 on 21 May 2009
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I don't even like pears but this had me salivating! I particularly liked the layout of Alan's third version. Personally I tink it works better as a short-short. Brilliant desciptions, though, Nick, using all the senses. Best wishes.
Beanie
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nickb at 12:25 on 22 May 2009
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Alan,
thanks for the stuff on Haiku, really interesting. I like what you've done with the Fruity as well. I'm away now this weekend but will hopefully get time to tweak it next week.
All the best.
Nick
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 butterfly2000 at 14:36 on 21 April 2010
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Tee hee, this reminds me of one of mine... I must find it! I actually liked your first version, but I'm no expert - only an expert on my own taste ;0) I was just wandering around following links in the poetry group... as you do!
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