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Chapter 1 - Day Three

by Warner 

Posted: 24 May 2009
Word Count: 1379
Summary: here is the opening of my First Novel
Related Works: Chapter 1 - Day Five • Chapter 1 - Day Four • 

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'UH PARDON MONSIEUR'

'What?'

'EXCUSE ME SIR....MY WIFE!'



Luc pointed at me, His "struggling" Wife as i walked heavily up the gangway,

'So sorry old chap, Let me help you Madame' said the Steward.
'I'm ok' i said, as i tried to tip toe the rest of the way.

The Steward had clearly been in a daze, a plethora of action was going on around him, He seemed more interested in staring at the seven seagulls circling the dock, instead of the hundreds of Passengers boarding on this sunny english morning. The man must of been around 40 years old, He had a nervous sweat, One that his cap could not get to grips with and continued to slide on his hair like a surfboard, Strong hands with plenty a cut and groove on them, a clean pressed black uniform and a welcoming smile that brought comfort to my situation. Understandable im sure as this was the first day the Queen Mary had sailed since the war.
As i caught a glimpse of his now attentive eyes i could picture his morning, In his Southampton town house, Shaking in his sleep, Waking up for 10 minutes but not opening his eyes, then sleeping again for an hour, and then repeating, His wife just lay patiently while keeping a tight grip of her side of the bed sheet.
'Daveen!! h’tez-vous!!'.
I must have fallen into a daze, like the Stewards eyes had somehow cast a spell and opened a portal inside me and i was there in that moment, maybe that was just because i missed the warmth and wondered, how long it would be before i too would have a bed i knew like the back of my hand.
Luc had been like this since we left France, Loud and irritable in busy public situations. I giggled to myself thinking how would he cope in New York; the utopia of busy public situations. But it was no joke i was struggling, a couple nearby dropped their bags and came to help me.
'Come on darling' said the man of the pair, a tall english man, who put his arm under mine, Luc's face became very red, i guess he wished he had done the same but maybe he was paranoid of losing our bags as people everywhere were rushing around.
'Merci' i said.
To which Luc exagerated 'Thankyou....thank you' and looked at me with a sarcastic grin.
'We must go to our cabin, do you have our papers?.............My this ship is gigantic' i just realised how high up we were from the dock.
'Oui, i knew it would be big but not so...uh ...so....you know...Magnifique, i wonder what it is like to be in first class...eh..one day daveen one day my sweet' luc said while pointing around.

At that moment, arrived a young looking steward boy who took us to our cabin, as we walked down the stairs he apologised for not being there sooner but had been rushed off his feet by other "Tipping" customers. 'quaint' i said as i opened the brown door to the purple floored room, in the back of my mind i wasnt expecting much more, it was third class on a boat after all not a fairytale. Shocked to see blue and orange bunk beds we looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders and said "when in mary" to which luc started to unpack.

I went up deck for the set sail. Everyone was waving goodbye to there loved ones there words were not heard, but there crying handkerchiefs were seen, I wished for a second i had someone to wave back to, then i saw a group of boys not waving just staring in awe of the ship, so I waved at them just to join in, they waved back and shouted, it felt nice, They were the distant cousins i never knew, Once in motion i went to find a seat; it was like a travelling city, it was so big, I was blinded by the sun shining off the ship, a combination of water and fresh paint. I was glad to leave england i wasnt impressed with what i had seen, We had only been there one night and then on the express train from our bed and breakfast this morning; the bed was ok, i didn't think much of the breakfast maybe they should rethink the name.
I got a great spot on the Promenade, I sat down and twiddled my thumbs while i waited for Luc, The engines roared and we were leaving, England was now fading into the distance, Watching the sea go past it was like it was erasing my memories, Wave by wave, Splash by splash, Each wave a picture, Each splash a voice. My life in France was now over, Replaced with hopes of success and fortune in America, The wind was cushioning my ears with bass, all i heard was my own thoughts, after the past few days of travelling i was at last having a deserved break, i was at peace, the sky wa...
Luc tapped me on the shoulder.
'Daveen.....i've found the smoking room uh im going to see if i can get to know anyone, you know uh more contacts, is that ok?'
'Yes, that's fine darling' i mumbled whilst watching the waves.
'i will be back at the cabin around 3:30 meet me there' his eyes were staring out to sea, his hands in his pockets.
"ok, darling, i shall meet you at 330" and we threw a warm smile at each other, after all we were in love and knew that this would be a hard move so we gave each other as much space as we could.
People walked past shaking there heads at me, maybe i was sat in someone importants chair, I will admit i had good views, I could see the well dressed people in 1st class mingling which passed the time but after a while it was the same people, I closed my eyes and wished i was a pirate, sailing the open sea's every day, finding new islands with differant races and cultures, finding maps which would lead me to a treasure chest of pearls and gold, fighting with other pirates to protect my findings.
'Daveen!' 'Daveen!!'
'i'll get them' i mumbled.
'You'll get who?'.
Luc was back, He didnt seem happy
'Where have you been?'
'Nowhere?'
'Well its 3:40pm!, ive been waiting in our cabin, i was worried sick'
'Oh i'm sorry darling, did you meet anyone?' i stood up.
As we walked back to our cabin, Luc told me he had met a man from London, also moving to New York city, a talkative man called Roger, who had met an american during the war and was moving over there to marry her, not the same as us but still nice to not be alone in the chase for the American Dream.
Once in our cabin, Luc got his swimming shorts and towel and we walked to the main pool, there was a queue of people waiting for it to open, when the rich went for dinner at 4 we were allowed to use the pool, Luc took full advantage as he knew it would be his last excersize for the next few days and the bathroom we had to share in our sleeping quarters wasnt exactly Cleopatras. i just sat and giggled along with some of the ladies, who were perched on the side dangling there legs in the pool while discussing all the mens chest hairs. We then returned to our cabin and got dressed and went for dinner, Luc was indeed celebrating with what little money we had left, the food was better than i had anticipated. i ate quite a lot. We returned to our dimly lit boudoir, and fell asleep almost as soon as we sat down, it had been a long couple of days.

Luc shook my elbow.
'I DON'T KNOW HOW People put up with this?'
'mmmmm?' i mumbled
'The clanking noises, the splashes, the turbines, how can you sleep daveen?"
'mmmmm...mmmmm'
'Fine i shall just lay here and stare at the moon all night while you sleep in your own little world'.






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Comments by other Members



Warner at 17:36 on 24 May 2009  Report this post
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To ensure a fair balance of attention to all our members, there is now an upload limit of one piece every 2 days.
You have already uploaded a piece within the past two days. Please wait before uploading more work.
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wish someone told me that




NMott at 20:38 on 24 May 2009  Report this post
It's simply to give members a chance to read the material before the next installment. A lot of members can only fit in an upload or two a week and if the site was flooded with loads of uploads not all of them would be read - even with the 2 day limit, some still slip through unread.

- NaomiM

Warner at 21:21 on 24 May 2009  Report this post
but theres only 15 people in this group??

i doubt people can write and upload a chapter every day in fact i dare them especially beginners

the only reason i ask is i wanted to have a clean slate hence deleting and reuploading day three

but when trying to upload day four

computer says NO

NMott at 00:14 on 25 May 2009  Report this post
Yes, it can be frustrating, but even a handful of active members in a group can prove to be a big critting workload for members who have to fit in their own writing, along with jobs and family commitments which might not leave them with much spare time other than the weekend.


- NaomiM

The Bar Stward at 01:12 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
I don't normally comment on grammar but you do need to go over this and correct some of the mistakes that will distract your readers from the story you are telling. Many of your sentences run for a long time without full stops. You also have capitals where they shouldn't be, and not where they should be. I get told off about my grammar all of the time, so it is not something you should worry about too much, but like me, take advantage of all the advice that you will be given and learn from it.

I gather your MC is going to America to chase the dream but I would of liked a little more of a hook to wheel me in. Why are they going to America to chase the dream there? What are they leaving behind in England? Why are they leaving it behind? Are they running from something, someone?

but theres only 15 people in this group??

i doubt people can write and upload a chapter every day in fact i dare them especially beginners


You would be surprised at how busy this group is. It gets a little quiet at weekends and I dare say quieter this week because of bank holiday but it'll soon erupt into a scurry of activity.

the only reason i ask is i wanted to have a clean slate hence deleting and reuploading day three


You will see that your work has a 'owners edit'. You can alter your uploaded work as much as you like.

It is best to upload one chapter a week. This gives everyone in the group a chance to get around to your work and make their comments. Getting peoples views on your work is the whole point of Writewords. We are all here to help each other, and egg each other on. I generally spend a couple of nights working on my latest chapter, then one or two nights answering peoples comments and making corrections. I will then commit to the rest of the week looking at new uploads from other members in the group.



Scott


freynolds at 07:57 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Warner,

Glad you decided to join as a member. You will find that this community is a truly great one. Members share their work and everyone makes a point of reading other members works and comment, ensuring that this is a two-way experience and we all reap the benefits of learning from one another.

One sentence did not read right to me;
'Daveen!! h’tez-vous!!'.

Did you mean: 'Daveen!! hâtez-vous!!'. (hurry up?) I also wondered if a married couple should not use the informal addressing instead of the formal one as they are, it seems not upper class. Perhaps they are but it is not instantly obvious from just one chapter.

Remember that every comment made is purely a critique and is never a criticism. The aim here is to help one another and get published! It is always worth noting every feedback even if only for future reference, you can always choose to ignore it but it is our role as fellow writers to point out what we feel is great or could be improved.

I hope the weather in Cyprus is a lot better than in good old England today!

Fabienne


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