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PART 6: Memories of a bar steward

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 25 May 2009
Word Count: 1705


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


Previous Memoirs of a bar steward enteries : http://www.writewords.org.uk/archive/23074.asp
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From: koopa@webworld.com
To: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 11:01 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea


Alwright Cox Chops

Just a quicky email to see how ur first night in da pub went?

K. O’SHEA




From: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 11.35 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea


Hello Koopa

Thank you for your previous e-message. You will be glad to learn that my first night was a magnificent success. We had to open up early because of the queue of locals waiting to get in. We stayed rammed all night and my people just didn’t want to leave when I rung the bell for last orders. I must confess that I didn’t get to pull too many pints because clients kept taking me aside to tell me how fantastic the pub was now that I have taken over (and also the ladies were more interested in me pulling them, wink wink ;-).

Please do let the rest of the family in Brum know that we are all very happy here in Torquay and that we are doing fabulously.

Jacob




From: koopa@webworld.com
To: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 11:42 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea


Fee Fi Fo Thumb. I smellz da BULLSHIT! of an Englishbum, coz Milla sent me sum emails earlier and he tells me about a completely different movie. I’ll forward’em onto ya.. Have a looky at’em

K. O’SHEA





From: Supa.Cox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 10:28 AM
Subject: Coxman ere


Yo Koopa Cuz

Torquay is wicked man. You shud see the tits on the sticks. The birds ere are well fit and PROPER E Z!!!! I’ve just had to kick one outta me bed of dirty luvvv. Though I did the gentleman thing and let her stay for breakfast (I gave her a double portion of YES! Protein special)

Hope the sun is still shining brightly on the O’SHEA Empire. Catch ya latta

Cox MASTER




From: koopa@webworld.com
To: Supa.Cox@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 10:32 AM
Subject: RE: Coxman ere


Alwright Milla

Sounds tip top. I’ll defo come down and crash with you some time soon. How woz da first night in de new crib then?

K. O’SHEA




From: Supa.Cox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 10:35 AM
Subject: RE: RE: Coxman ere


The pub is shocka mate! Gaycob doesn’t have a Scooby-doo what he’s doing. We had fuck all people in the pub, except for loads of staff who spent the night beating up J (a good night in the end then).

I think I’m gonna have to step in and help brown fingers out because I don’t wanna come back to Brum just yet. It wouldn’t be fair on the birds down here, I’ve gotta give’em all a fair chance of a go don’t I.

Right, I’ve got some serious sleeping to catch up on. Another big night ahead of me! Me luv-gun got some hussies in a barrel to shoot.

Catch u latta man.

Cox MASTER




From: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 12.20 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea


Miller is a fecking LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is just jealous that I am in charge of a business that is going to bring me wealth, respect and Dolly birds by the barrel load and he is just gonna be my work bitch, standing around fingering his bum, for the rest of his sad little life. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is going down town, pretending to me? In order to pick up the little whores he probably pays for his 1 second fumbles!!!!

OH OH OH, BY THE WAY, that ‘woman’ he kicked out of his bed of dirty love (which IS dirty b’cos the amount of times he has pissed, shit and gotten sick on his one and only bed sheet and NOT put it in the wash is disgusting) was a MAN! No lie. He got ‘her’ from a gay bar!

Last night, after I DID wave off a conga line of locals, who left our establishment deliriously happy, I was all ready to go bed but the lads begged me to go out with them. They said they wanted to check out the nightclubs down town. I didn’t really see the point when we have the best place in Torquay but Clint and Miller insisted so I relented. It never hurts to spy on the competition. Curly stayed in though. He said he was worn out, knackered. HA. Lightweight! He wouldn’t know hard work if it smacked him in the face. Well I’ll soon see to that.

Anyway, if I was going into town, I wanted to look the bomb, so I told the lads that they shouldn’t wait for me and I would catch up with them. I eventually tracked them down in a harbourside club called Gladrags.

After a hard days work, I thought it was time to reap my rewards, but I’ll admit I did give myself a scare. I didn’t wanna find Clint or Miller straight away, because they would just cramp my style. I thought I’d find’em when I had a couple of bitches hanging off my arms, so I propped myself up at the bar, and went into PULL mode. I acted aloof, cool, like a cucumber. I checked out the room and looked for the juiciest rumps that I deserve (no slops for my dinner plate). When I found the honeys that my Bee wanted to sample, I gave them my best come to bed stare but NOTHING! In fact one girl came up to me, all in me face, asking what the hell I was looking at. I said an angel (all slick like) but before I could finish my line I swear she was gonna punch me, but her offensively ugly friend pulled her away and had the nerve to call me a weirdo, when they were the ones coming up to me acting all violent.

I should have clicked then, but as you can imagine, I was worn out from doing all the work in the pub earlier. I finally realized that something was up when I changed tactics and decided just to introduce myself to some girls and told’em that I was the new licensee of the Royal Ships in Babbacombe. I didn’t want to do that originally because I would have had less respect when they threw themselves at me but not a dicky bird of interest. As the last dyke turned her back on me laughing, it finally dawned on me. Muff munchers.

It must have been a gay bar. Only women who REALLY hate men, would be able to resist a man of my status now. I should have clicked straight away but I didn’t (Glad = happy and an old word for happy is Gay). There weren’t any signs saying what sort of place it was but after so many rejections, it’s obvious. Phew. Lol. However, in hindsight I am appalled. The club is obviously trying to trick fit young men like me in. Surely that’s illegal. I could have got bummed in the toilets!

Just a little earlier in the night I must admit that I was a wee bit jealous when I saw Clint throwing some shapes on the dance floor with two blonde stunners all over him. I also saw Miller getting it on with a right ginger minger. At first I couldn’t understand it. I did the look, the pose, the talk, and Clint did none of that and pulled loads. However, once I had my moment of clarity, I raced over to save Clint (fuck Miller) from the winky fiddlers, but he wasn’t having any of it. That’s the evil of drink for you and that is why you’ll never see me embarrassing myself, I’m 100% teetotal. I’m just a dealer of the nectar poison. I don’t need alcohol to have a good time.

So Miller and Clint pulled a couple of guys. HA HA HA HA HA

I couldn’t sleep in my room though because the pair were ‘entertaining’ in their adjacent beds. Unfortunately I ended up kipping at the foot of me Mom and Dads bed, but it was better than getting some stray shit in me eye.

Hope that puts the record straight!

Jacob




From: koopa@webworld.com
To: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 12: 32 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea


Cox head

Soundz like u had an interesting night, I’ll have ta give Milla a bell and find out what he’s playing at!

Milla said your staff are disrespecting you. You didn’t comment. You can’t be aving that. No fookin way! You gunna av ta man up! You need to handle ya staff like a strict parent. Bring out the naughty stick. A broom with 6 inch nails through the top of it is my favourite. Smack’em a few times when they play up and they’ll soon behave. Oh but you have to threaten to smack their folks too if they run crying to the law. OR do u want me to come down and deal with’em?

K. O’SHEA




From: mr.jacobcox@webworld.com
To: koopa@webworld.com
Sent: Saturday, August 19, 2000 12.20 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea


Koopa

Thank you for your concern but it isn’t needed. Once more Miller is lying. Me and the boys on the door got along great. Again, Miller was jealous. Me and the door staff had a good laugh at Millers expense. If any of them dare have the balls of steel to even give me an off look, I’d soon slap’em down to size.

Don’t bother ringing Miller up about any of the things that I have told you, he’ll just lie his head off as usual. Also, don’t ring Clint, it would just embarrass him.

I’ve gotta shoot now, me Dad's called an emergency meeting for some reason.

Be good.

Jacob






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Comments by other Members



The Bar Stward at 00:55 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
I hope this doesn't seem too long. After Friday 18th PART 4, I wanted to start making the entry shorter and punchier. It's been a long weekend, so I'm just going to start catching up on everyone else’s latest uploads.

freynolds at 08:14 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott,

I did not feel too long at all. A good exchange of e-mails!

Jacob is digging himself into an even deeper hole with his lies but it was amusing to read how he handled his version of events and twisted the story to his advantage. Discrediting Miller with having picked up not a bird, but a fellow, in this homophobic community was very under the belt but it is what we would expect from the MC.

Just one little thing I picked on;
I wouldn’t be surprised if he is going down town, pretending to me, in order to pick up

did you mean 'pretending to be me'?

I felt annoyance and amusement at the same time... Jacob is almost as bad as Miller in this installment.

Very entertaining!

Fabienne

SJ Williamson at 08:31 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
I'm still enjoying Jacob's story very much, and I really like the email exchanges with Koopa. There are some great "life out loud" moments here Scott. Brilliant stuff!

Sorry, I can't help you with punctuation and grammar (although I guess it isn't necessary with Koopa)!

That’s funny Jacox. I got some emails off of Milla this morning that described last night a little differently. I’ll send them onto you now. Have a looky at’em


I really enjoy the way Koopa talks in his emails. Feel free to ignore this, but "I got some emails off Milla this morning that described last night a little differently" stood out as being rather polite for him!

Just one other thing regarding Gladrags. I think you could easily shorten these 3 paragraphs but still keep the humorous parts of his story; it would tell the reader everything about the club, without repeating the fact the club is a gay. It's such an entertaining episode, that some of it got in the way of the funny bits!!

I'm interested to see what happens to Jacob next, and if the cocky little bugger gets into moor trouble!

SJx

StephB at 10:35 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
Scott,

I don't think this is too long at all - I wanted to keep on reading. Jacob is so annoying, but I love the way he's twisted the story - it's like he's convinced himself of the lies, so he wouldn't even consider himself to be lying, its very clever!

Steph

fbtoast at 10:46 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott

This is like reading an exchange of e-mails between actual people - you completely believe in the characters. It's a glimpse into a pretty grotty sordid world, alleviated by unexpected glimmers of loyalty, decency, vulnerability etc. I'm enjoying it, but kind of waiting for something to happen now...? Is there going to be a plot? Or is it more of an Adrian-Moleish character-driven kind of thing?

Nicole

The Bar Stward at 18:30 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
"I got some emails off Milla this morning that described last night a little differently" stood out as being rather polite for him!



I think you could easily shorten these 3 paragraphs but still keep the humorous parts of his story


Two very good points and I agree. Before I start the next part, I'm going to amend this.

Is there going to be a plot? Or is it more of an Adrian-Moleish character-driven kind of thing?


I have read the Adrian Mole books. They kind of build up the weird world that the characters live in and then, somewhere in the middle you start sensing a storyline building up. A lot of what I have done so far is centered around Friday 18th. Soon it will become clear that if the pub doesn't make money, then the family are going to lose it. Also there is the element of 'where did the father get the money from' and how will that affect the family.

Thanks for all of the comments. Much appreciated as always

Scott

The Bar Stward at 19:46 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
Is there going to be a plot? Or is it more of an Adrian-Moleish character-driven kind of thing?


Does the fact that a obvious storyline isn't yet obvious, a put off? Is it begining to bore?

The overall theme is basically Jacobs quest for glory. The book will tie up with whether or not he, and other members of his family, are successful.

The Bar Stward at 19:50 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
What do you think?

There is a forth coming section where the father sits the lads down and gives them an ultimation. Either we get people in or we're all going back to Brum homeless. This sparks off a chain of events that runs to the very end of the book. Later we will also see most of the character develope steady relationships, or at least try to.

If you feel the pace is stalling, should I bring the father scene forward?



Warner at 19:56 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
this is such an original idea in the modern world we live in

or am i wrong to think this is a novel written in emails?

The Bar Stward at 22:05 on 26 May 2009  Report this post
It is split between online blogs and email exchanges the MC has with other characters.

fbtoast at 08:09 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott

I think it's getting to the point where something needs to move in the plot - although it's hard to judge because of the way I'm reading it bit by bit. I might feel differently if I were actually reading it in book form.

Nicole

The Bar Stward at 10:22 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
The last five sections would really count as one chapter, as they all deal with the first day and night. The day after is when it dawns on everyone (except Jacob) that the business is not going to be a runaway success and it becomes apparent that they could all be moving out as quickly as they moved in. The main story will move onto how to save the business BUT most of the characters will develope their own sub plots.

However, I fully take on board your comments and I will approach the next entries with some more direction. Cheers

The Bar Stward at 10:28 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
Did anyone not get that the club the lads went to was NOT a gay bar? And that the women Clint and Miller pulled, WERE women.

SJ Williamson at 10:32 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
Nope! But then I'm a bit slow. I assume then, that he was making it all up ... telling Koopa porky pies!!

I'd be interested to know other people's thoughts because it really didn't dawn on me. Sorry!!

SJxx


The Bar Stward at 10:45 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
The main clue is that the club doesn't say it is a gay bar and Jacob only 'realises' that it is a gay bar when he doesn't pull anyone. I'm going to have a play round with this last section before I move onto the next.

Warner at 10:58 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
again

i may not read books so please upset me or bar steward

but i think this is such an original idea

very inspirational

i guess it is a 2009 adrian mole but that was a diary this is internet based so he can play with the dates and emails forwarded e.t.c

StephB at 11:35 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
I didn't get that either - when he complained about it not specifically saying that it was a gay bar, that just made me laugh to myself in terms of the fact that most gay bars don't actually specify "This is a gay bar", which is what it seemed to me that he was expecting.

Perhaps you could refer in some way to everyone in the bar, who wasn't already with someone, 'obviously' being gay, because they weren't interested?

Steph

freynolds at 11:43 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
Well, to me it never was a gay bar and it is interesting that the same lines trigger different perceptions from readers. In any case, I'd say that if more than one reader missed a point, then it is worth revisiting a little. That's what I tend to do with my writing when a similar point is made. Perhaps an e-mail from Miller (short) with his version, would do the trick?

Fabienne

The Bar Stward at 15:30 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
Fee Fi Fo Thumb. I smellz da BULLSHIT! of an Englishbum, coz Milla sent me sum emails earlier and he tells me about a completely different movie. I’ll forward’em onto ya.. Have a looky at’em


I've just made some alterations to this last section, in order to clear up some of the confusion. The above is a change to one of Koopa's emails. The original line of

That’s funny Jacox. I got some emails off of Milla this morning that described last night a little differently. I’ll send them onto you now. Have a looky at’em


seemed a bit out of character. I hope the new message is more fitting.

The Bar Stward at 15:31 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
I've changed the email where Jacob tells his cousin about his night out. If you can, have a quick read and let me know if it is more clear that is WASNT a gay club that Jacob couldn't pull at.

Cheers

Mand245 at 15:56 on 27 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott

I've come to this a bit late, I'm afraid. I've read everyone's comments and I'm guessing you've already made the alterations about the gay bar. I've read it over a couple of times and maybe I'm being dense here but it doesn't occur to me that it's anything other than the gay bar Jacob describes.

Overall I like the exchange of e-mails as a device for moving the story along but it didn't quite flow for me as some of your earlier uploads. I'm not quite sure why. I think it's because it was only e-mails, which seemed a little forced and I would have liked to see these interspersed with some of Jacob's usual blogs. Maybe if I was reading this with the rest of the chapter, rather than as an extract, it would seem more balanced.

I'll be interested to see where it goes from here - it's certainly an entertaining read!

Mand



SJ Williamson at 08:01 on 28 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott

Yep, I think the line from Koopa is much better ... and deffo more in character!

The paragraphs about the club seem to have improved too, but I guess it's difficult having read it once, the edge has gone, so I can't now say if it's obvious or not!!!! Can't really help. You could do with somebody else reading it that didn't read the first draft.

SJxx


nezelette at 11:00 on 28 May 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott,

Sorry I'm so late, I'm catching up on all my homework today!

I really enjoyed that. I'm getting used to the characters now and it's hilarious seeing the discrepancies between what happens to Jacob and the stories he tells. I can't wait to see it all blow up in his face! I guess even seeing him succeed and witness his ego plumping up even more would be entertaining!

I'm not sure whether some of the typos are intentional, but I'll point them out anyway! Also, apologies if that's already been picked up by others!

and also the ladies were more interesting in me pulling them, wink wink ;-).

interested


We had fuck all people in the pub, except for loads of staff who spend the night beating up J

spent

I wouldn’t be surprised if he is going down town, pretending to me

to be me?

Good stuff!

Nancy



nezelette at 11:09 on 28 May 2009  Report this post
Oh, and I agree with Nicole that maybe something needs to happen soon. I son't think it's been boring AT ALL, but you've introduced the characters and the plot really well now and I'd want to see where the story is going, something to hook me and MAKE me read more. I would, at this stage, definitely carry on reading as it's very entertaining, but I also like hooks at the end of chapters that make you unable to put the book down...

The Bar Stward at 22:28 on 28 May 2009  Report this post
The paragraphs about the club seem to have improved too, but I guess it's difficult having read it once, the edge has gone, so I can't now say if it's obvious or not!!!! Can't really help. You could do with somebody else reading it that didn't read the first draft.


Lol, thats okay, I think I'm obessing too much about it anyway. It was only meant to be a short bridge element to finish friday off. When I finish the entire thing, I'm sure I'll read back through it as a whole and make changes, chops, and rearrangements.

Thanks for pointing out the mistakes Nancy, they were wrong. I'll get them sorted before I start Saturday.

I would, at this stage, definitely carry on reading as it's very entertaining, but I also like hooks at the end of chapters that make you unable to put the book down...


I understand what you mean. I'm reading the Da Vinci Code at the minute and I always end up reading more because you end a chapter which finishes with a big question mark and then you have to read on!

Thanks for the comments and advice.


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