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Moonlit Teesside

by dbrooks76 

Posted: 26 May 2009
Word Count: 913
Summary: First section from the short story "Moonlit Teesside" - taken from my 2nd book 'Dr Iain Ropner's Casebook of Strange Events and Unusual Phenomena'. Feedback would be much appreciated.


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Moonlit Teesside

Norman woke with a start. He was drenched in sweat, and as he swung his feet onto the floor, he pulled the cotton bedsheet up with him. Norman paid no attention to the fact that his bed was coming apart, all he cared about and all he could think of was the dream he’d just had.
He sat on the edge of his bed for a few minutes, trying to catch his breath – images from his dream kept flashing before his eyes, making him shudder and his stomach somersault. Taking a drink from the glass of water by his bed, Norman felt his racing heart begin to relax. Feeling calmer, he laid his head back down onto his ruffled pillow and tried to remember the dream, from start to finish. Norman was getting used to having nightmares, it was almost a game now to try and recall what had happened in the dream, yet, this time, there had been something wrong with it but he couldn’t figure out what.
There had been a house, a large suburban house, with lots of trees near it. He’d been stood in amongst the trees watching the upstairs bedroom window. The place seemed familiar to Norman – he wasn’t sure. Perhaps he’d been there on a job. The spaces between the trees were black, darker even than the night that cast its clear moon-bright light over the hillside, past the expensive house, down onto the peaceful looking town below. Again, the town looking vaguely familiar like he’d seen the view before, only possibly in the daylight, not this late hour. It wasn’t a big town, closer to being a village than a town, Norman thought, judging by the number of streetlights he could see. A small town, but big enough for my needs. Now where had that come from? What needs?
There was movement upstairs that caught his eye, quickly followed by the stabbing light of a bedside lamp as it was switched on. Norman could see, with alarming clarity, framed within the illuminated window, the person who’d just walked into the room. His heart speeded up. She looked fantastic: late twenties, long blonde hair, and succulent curves. He felt his tongue cross his lips as he stared up at the woman as she began to undress. Somewhere distant, as if being spoken to through a glass door, Norman heard himself ask, Why am I here?
The joys of life! Was the sudden vibrant reply. The voice wasn’t Norman’s but, again, he got the sensation that he knew the voice well, even felt comforted by the fact that the voice had sounded so familiar. He felt his inner-self breathe a sigh of relief. With difficulty, he tried again to place the voice with a name. Just when he thought he was close to the answer, his thoughts scattered to the four winds as a man, clearly much older than the woman and wearing nothing but lounge pants, walked into the bedroom and stood behind the woman, his arms wrapped around her waist.
What am I doing? Peeping? This time the voice was Norman’s, slightly louder and clearer within his mind. This wasn’t like him; he wasn’t a Peeping Tom. He began to panic. His heart began to thump, no longer the fast pulsation of excitement but the pounding beat of a heart ready to run; its sound filled his ears, deafening him to all other noises save one – his breathing. It was low and deep, drawn in slow intervals, in total contrast to the clamour of his heartbeat. He could feel the rush of his blood as it pounded through his head. Norman’s mind was reeling. Why was he in this garden? What was he doing?
His inner-self began to feel sick. He needed to get away from this house, clear his head, and figure out what the hell he was doing there. Norman tried to turn away but couldn’t; he was stuck rigidly to where he stood, by a large oak tree next to a small fishpond.
Suddenly there was a noise, the sound of something moving, something coming at him through the trees. Norman tried once more to move, to take his eyes off the bedroom window but he couldn’t. He could hear the growling breath of a dog as it weaved its way through the trees somewhere to his right. Suddenly, it stopped. Although his eyes never left the window, Norman sensed the dog was stood, poised, ready to attack. There was a low growl, which Norman found himself responding to. Horrified by the sound that came from his mouth, Norman’s mind lurched sideways, trying to get away from that noise – his very core shaking with primeval terror. For a moment, Norman thought he was going to pass out. What on earth was going on? The dog, a Rottweiler, Norman knew without even turning to look at it, whimpered, turned and ran as fast as it could out of the trees and onto the immaculate lawn towards the house. Norman blinked as the security lights came on, flooding the lawn and patio in sterile white light. The Rottweiler had started hitting the back door with its paw, whining and barking to be let in.
Upstairs, the couple who were still wrapped in each other’s arms – abruptly separated. Until now, Norman would have thought it was just a weird dream, but things were suddenly to become very strange.

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Comments by other Members



NMott at 11:54 on 31 May 2009  Report this post
Hi, It would be best to join one of the Writing Groups, such as Short Story I, and upload the work there, as it is likely to be overlooked in the Archive.

I read through it, and it certainly racks up the suspense so you want to know what's going to happen next. And I especially liked:
Norman’s mind lurched sideways

Just some minor nitpicks:

I tripped over the repetition of the name, Norman, a few times and wondered if it was necessary to include it after the initial introduction.

In the second half there is a repetition of 'doing': What am I doing?; What was he doing?; what the hell he was doing there.

His inner-self began to feel sick. - I appreciate you might want to make a distinction between his inner human and outer animal selves with the inclusion of 'inner-self', but I don't think it's necessary. Just say 'he felt sick'. The same with the thoughts: What am I doing? Peeping? This time the voice was Norman’s, slightly louder and clearer within his mind. - I would just say 'What was he doing? Peeping?', rather than switch to the first person and make the distinctio between the human and animal parts of him. I realised he was the dog towards the end, and I don't think you need to tip the reader off before that.


- NaomiM

dbrooks76 at 16:52 on 31 May 2009  Report this post
NaomiM,

Many thanks for your comments - much appreciated.

I shall take your advice to join a group such as Short Story 1. (been meaning to for a long time now)
In fairness, the distinction between the human and animal sides becomes clearer further within the story - but your comment that the suspense was enough to make you want to read more was exactly what I was hoping for!

The use of the name Norman is deliberate to generate a distinction between the inner-thoughts and the external actions - bear in mind one of the inner-"voices" isn't Normans:

"The joys of life! Was the sudden vibrant reply. The voice wasn’t Norman’s but, again, he got the sensation that he knew the voice well, even felt comforted by the fact that the voice had sounded so familiar."

Oh - and again without spoiling the story too much - he isn't "the dog" at the end; just the cause of the dogs fear! Its a tale with a few twists.
But you'll have to read the rest to find out what's going on! hoho

Thanks again for the comment!


Dave



NMott at 17:58 on 31 May 2009  Report this post
he isn't "the dog" at the end; just the cause of the dogs fear!


Ooh, that's a good twist.


The use of the name Norman is deliberate to generate a distinction between the inner-thoughts and the external actions - bear in mind one of the inner-"voices" isn't Normans:


You could try it with a lighter hand on the tiller; it's always good to keep the reader guessing.


- NaomiM

Bunbry at 10:15 on 09 June 2009  Report this post
I like this Dave, a good opener with the promise of more goodies to come!

I agree with Naomi re the 'inner self' thing. If he feels it, that is enough for me.

Nick

Becca at 10:53 on 20 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Dave,
hopefully we will see you in one of the groups soon. My overall sense was that if you could remove some of the repetitions the story would flow better and have more tension. I, as well, found the repetition of his name, irrespective of whether or not it was purposeful, to be jarring. If later a distinction is to be made about different aspects of himself, then perhaps you don't need it here? The fact that the dog fears him is enough to alert the reader to the idea that all is not normal.
Some of the repetitions in quick succession were:-
bed x 3
house x 2
voice x 3
the woman x 2
suddenly x2

Perhaps the first two paras. could be edited down about his reactions to the dream, I think you could get the same info. across in many less words.
Becca.

BobCurby at 00:10 on 11 August 2009  Report this post
Dave,
I read that quickly at roughly 300wpm, which is slow for me, thus reading the 900 odd words in about 3 minutes. I always do so that I can get the sense and feeling as well as any confusing phrases.

I then returned to it at 60wpm, reading each sentence and then considering it, assimilating it and trying to see how they build into the story.

I was disappointed to then read a comment that Norman was the dog - because I didn't see that. I saw Norman as something, sinister, terrifying, and certainly not a dog. The sound that would scare a Rotweiler had to be the sound of a Werewolf or similar - and my imagination took me down that road. Thus to see your reply that he wasn't the dog was a relief.

I did find it a little confusing. Bear in mind that I read and watch science fiction and horror as well as thriller material for my mind to be confused is not good. Whilst I understand your personal reasons for the over-use of the name Norman, Stephen King would have used a lot more subtlty in achieving the same effect. Make your readers work, if you hand them everything, they will lose interest and move on to something else.

There is good content there and a powerful story-line - with the right emotional and tense-building phrases, it good really be something.

Keep it going, all the best.

Steve



dbrooks76 at 13:35 on 11 August 2009  Report this post
Thanks for the comment Steve, much appreciated.

Go with your imagination... :-)

[quote]Make your readers work, if you hand them everything, they will lose interest and move on to something else.{/quote]

Since you said you were a little confused I wouldn't say I was handing them 'everything' then, would you? This is the very start of the story and so I think a little confusion is OK - the story obviously develops a lot more as it goes on.
This text has been taken out of context with the rest of the story (some 11k words, in 7 sections, this being the 1st part of section 1), which might explain why people seem confused by it?!

I would just like to say, in response to all the comments on name use, etc, this work has been professionally edited and published - but its still interesting to hear everyone's comments. I would have hoped that if this was totally wrong my editor (and I'm not just saying it when I say she's edited some famous writers books, so she is good at it) would have pointed this out to me. Otherwise I've wasted a lot of dosh! :-)

Your obviously a Stephen King fan, which is fine. Personally I'm not - he's OK, but I find his work a little tedious at times and his stories (other than the short ones) always end weakly in my opinion - but each to there own.

Thanks again for the comment.


Dave

Neezes at 09:51 on 08 November 2010  Report this post
Hi there,

Some interesting stuff here. I am a bit unsure about having such a long section at the start of a short story being a dream - or is the whole thing a dream? In which case I'm not sure I'd really find it interesting - we all have odd dreams! Perhaps consider establishing the character before he starts having weird dreams.

Couple of other points to consider:

The place seemed familiar to Norman – he wasn’t sure.

If something seems familiar (or if it 'was familiar' that implies that you are not sure, so cutting out the extra 'norman', it would be enough to say "The place was familiar."

Just after this:
The spaces between the trees were black, darker even than the night that cast its clear moon-bright light over the hillside..

Not sure I understood this? Nice turn of phrase but I can't visualise it!!

Good luck as you continue your work,

Jonathan


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