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Victoria [2]

by Laurence 

Posted: 09 June 2009
Word Count: 1065
Summary: Second draft of a Children's Novel


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It was one of those wet damp afternoons. The type adults hate but children love. Great aunt Doris lived in a strange old rambling Victorian house. Molly was very fond of visiting her aunt and loved staying over. Molly was allowed to explore, but not beyond the first floor. She wasn’t to go anywhere near the attic rooms.

Molly wanted to go outside but her aunt had said ‘no’. The grown-ups had settled in the drawing room after lunch with various things grown-ups do. Molly slipped out of the room unnoticed and decided to explore the attics. Molly knew she should not go up to them but there were only so many times she could use the dress-up box. She found herself placing a tentative foot on the first stair leading past the first floor. Molly glanced over the banister to see if the hall was empty; she listened to the low murmur of voices coming from the drawing room, content that no one was around she climbed the stairs.

Reaching the attic floor she was surprised by the number of doors. Molly noticed that two of them were open. She glanced inside in side the first one and was disappointed to find the room full of boxes of various shapes and sizes. The next room was full of blankets, curtains and shelves of books. Everything was covered in dust. There were several cobwebs hanging across the window.

Molly was beginning to think the attic held no exciting secret. She was about to return down stairs when she heard a noise from the far end of the passage. Reaching the door where she imagined the noise had come from, she heard it again. She put her hand on the handle and turned it very slowly.

‘I’ve been waiting for you,’ said a young girl in the prettiest dress Molly had ever seen.

The girl was about Molly’s age. She was sitting next to a huge dolls house; the contents was placed around her. she held several miniature dolls which Molly presumed lived in the house.

‘Who are you?’ asked Molly.

‘Victoria.’

‘What are you doing here?’

‘I live here. I’ve always lived here,’ replied Victoria with a smile.

‘My great aunt never mentioned you.’

‘That is because she doesn’t know, not really.’

Molly thought for a moment. Why didn’t Aunt Doris know about Victoria? Then it dawned on her; Victoria wasn’t real. Molly would say nothing, it would be her secret and she would have someone to play with. Molly smiled at Victoria and sat down beside her.

‘Do you live on your own?’ asked Molly.

‘No. I have a brother. He’s called William. Be careful he can be very naughty. Papa has said he will go to boarding school if his behaviour does not improve. ’

Molly thought to herself she would love to meet William he sounded good fun. She played with Victoria for at least an hour and found out a little more about her. Her parents had gone away to the city so they were being looked after by their Nanny. The peace and quiet was suddenly broken by the calling from down stairs by Mary the cook.

‘Molly! Molly! Where are you?’

‘Sorry, Victoria I need to go. I shall try and visit you tomorrow.’

‘I would like that,’ smiled Victoria and went back to playing with the dolls.

Molly raced down the stairs she was almost out of breath by the time she reached the Hall. Mary was standing by the kitchen door.

‘Where have you been young lady?’ demanded Mary.

‘I was upstairs reading,’ said Molly hoping she had not noticed her coming down from the attics.

‘Look at the state of you. Your dress is filthy. Have you been up in the attics?’ she looked hard at Molly hoping she would crack any minute.

‘No. I was in my bedroom reading. I did crawl under the bed because I dropped the book underneath it.’

Mary looked suspiciously at Molly but decided not to pursue the matter further or at least not for the moment. ‘Your aunt would like to see you in the parlour,’ with that she pointed along the corridor.

Molly knocked quietly and entered the room. Her aunt was sitting in her usual chair beside the fireplace. The fire was lit to take the chill off the room. On her aunt’s lap was a small parcel.

‘Ah Molly dear come in and sit down.’

Molly sat down but could not keep her eyes off the parcel. It was wrapped in brown paper and tied up with string. Aunt Doris smiled at her. ‘This is for you dear,’ she said handing over the package.

‘What is it?’ asked Molly.

‘Why don’t you open it?’

Molly carefully unwrapped the parcel and discovered a beautiful box covered in purple velvet material. She carefully opened the box and discovered something the made her give out a gasp.

‘What ever is the matter?’ asked Aunt Doris.

Molly was looking at the most beautiful miniature doll similar to those she had just seen in the attic. This doll looked like Victoria right down to the clothes it was dressed in.

‘It is so beautiful aunt,’ she said easing it carefully out of the box.

‘Take great care with it dear. It once belonged to my own dear grandmother. It was made to look like her; she is called Victoria.’

‘What?’ gasped Molly almost dropping the doll.

‘Careful dear you nearly dropped the doll. It is very fragile. Why don’t you place it back into the box and take it to your room. I think there is a break in the weather so we will go for a short walk before tea.’

Molly placed the doll back into the box and left the room. Once in the hallway she tried to make sense of the miniature doll. Had she been playing with her aunt’s grandmother in the attics? Who could she ask? So many questions. She raced up stairs to her room and placed the box carefully on her bedside table then sat on the edge of her bed. An idea popped into her head. She would ask her aunt a little more about Victoria when she went for a walk then she would check with the girl in the attic. This was going to be the start of a great adventure.







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Comments by other Members



NMott at 21:41 on 09 June 2009  Report this post
...she looked hard at Molly hoping she would crack any minute.
...
Mary looked suspiciously at Molly but decided not to pursue the matter further or at least not for the moment.


It's coming along Laurence. I noticed at one point it wavered into one of the adults' povs, ie, the section above which is in Mary's pov.

I wasn't sure, after the past version, you had decided to tell it all from Molly's pov, or had a mixed omniscient and Molly's povs. It might help to have more of Molly's feelings to help push it more towards Molly's pov. Some of it has the tone of omniscient pov, eg:

It was one of those wet damp afternoons. The type adults hate but children love. Great aunt Doris lived in a strange old rambling Victorian house


The girl was about Molly’s age. She was sitting next to a huge dolls house; the contents was placed around her



As an example of changing it to Molly's pov -

It was one of those wet damp afternoons, the type the adults hated but Molly loved. Great aunt Doris lived in a strange old rambling Victorian house which Molly thought would be the perfect playground if only she was allowed to go into the attic.


Molly saw the girl was about her age and she was sitting next to a huge dolls house; the contents was placed around her and Molly wanted to reach out and touch them...



- NaomiM

<Added>

oops, typos ..or have a mixed..

Laurence at 21:59 on 09 June 2009  Report this post
Many thanks for such a quick response to my piece. I take your point and will now try and make sure I focus just from Molly's pov.

i think it is early days writing for children. I need to discipline myself a little more to keep to one pov.

Thanks NaomiM

Laurence

Issy at 13:37 on 12 June 2009  Report this post
Lovely piece of writing, Laurence. All the ingredients, an old house, being told not to go to the attics, and of course, she must go, the strange girl, and then the surprise with the present.

Only point where I stopped reading and thought how does she know that: "Why didn’t Aunt Doris know about Victoria? Then it dawned on her; Victoria wasn’t real." Maybe a couple of clues as to why she wasn't real? Something she says, is she a ghost, does she disappear, just something for us to put a handle on.

I liked it before but this is much more immediate - we are with the character straight away.

James James at 16:02 on 11 August 2009  Report this post
Struck a menacing note with me. The way such disturbing events are described so matter of factly brought to mind Coraline and Turn of the Screw.

She put her hand on the handle and turned it very slowly.

‘I’ve been waiting for you,’ said a young girl in the prettiest dress Molly had ever seen.

This bit works very well, the way the unexpected girl speak before she's "introduced" is a shock that sends a little shiver down the spine.

I suspect things are going to turn very nasty, I already dread the "naughty" (evil? murderous?) brother. My only worry is that you might find it difficult to describe the ensuing bloodbath while maintaining your PG certificate.

Best of luck.

James




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