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The taming

by joanie 

Posted: 26 June 2009
Word Count: 86
Summary: My 'Teeth' challenge on Flash Poetry. Not sure about this!
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Version II
In the depths
of a bag on her
shoulder, carried
to the beach, the
park, the shopping
centre

lie
essentials:
wipes, water,
gum, glasses,
phone, photos,
tampons,

teeth
of the comb
which now will never

tame
her hair
her day
her life


Version I
In the depths
of a bag on her
shoulder, carried
to the beach, the
park, the shopping
centre

lie
essentials:
wipes, water,
gum, glasses,
phone, photos,
tampons,

teeth
of the comb
which will tame
her hair
her day
her life










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Comments by other Members



Findy at 09:49 on 27 June 2009  Report this post
Liked this Joanie, a different 'teeth' you are talking about here, but a very important item in a woman's handbag (and life)

findy
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FelixBenson at 11:30 on 27 June 2009  Report this post
Ah nice take, Joanie. Good one. I like the repetition at the end too.
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joanie at 14:58 on 27 June 2009  Report this post
Findy and Kirsty - thank you!
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Nella at 16:59 on 27 June 2009  Report this post
It was very clever to use the teeth of a comb - I wouldn't have thought of that! I did, though, have the image that the teeth have broken out of the comb and are lying at the bottom of the bag - in which case the comb wouldn't be able to do its job of "taming". Hmmm... maybe just me. But then I did like the last four lines very much.
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joanie at 17:02 on 27 June 2009  Report this post
Thanks, Robin. Yes, I see what you mean about the teeth. I have read it again and it does sound like the teeth have fallen out. What do you think, therefore, of version II? (...which I will post in a couple of minutes!)
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Nella at 11:18 on 28 June 2009  Report this post
I like the second version a lot, Joanie! It's like a step towards freedom from all those things that bog us down. When I read it, the word "never" sounded like maybe it should be part of the line before - what do you think?
Robin
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joanie at 12:53 on 28 June 2009  Report this post
Thanks again, Robin. I think it was on the line before initially, then I moved the line break. I'll change it.
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Findy at 08:21 on 29 June 2009  Report this post
Like both Joanie, but I think I like the first one a little more

<Added>

I mean version one
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