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PART 10: Memories of a bar steward

by The Bar Stward 

Posted: 08 July 2009
Word Count: 2325
Summary: Join Jacob as he battles for success with a little (well, no) help from his idiotically dangerous twin brother Miller, his disastrous best friend Curly and his annoyingly cool younger brother Clint. On their journey they’ll face terrible perils, monstrous foes and maybe love (or just sex).
Related Works: Memories of a bar steward: All PARTS uploaded so far... • PART 2: Memories of a bar steward • PART 3: Memories of a bar steward • PART 4: Memories of a bar steward • PART 5: Memories of a bar steward • PART 6: Memories of a bar steward • PART 7: Memories of a bar steward • PART 8: Memories of a bar steward • PART 9: Memories of a bar steward • 

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This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.

Weds 23rd August 2000

2249 Hrs

You know you’re having a bad day when the rest of the family are acting worse than Miller!

I was sitting in the office earlier, working out how I should best liberate customers from the Queen’s legs on Friday, when I noticed a little hoody raiding the till. I didn’t go out and unleash hell unto the fiend because the thief was none other than my baby sister Marie. By the time I dashed out of the office, she was stood on a chair, playing the fruit machine. I told the little brat to get off at once and return whatever money she had left to the till. I won’t repeat what she said back to me. Had anyone been witness to it, they would have thought that she was the vile mouthed girl out of the Exorcist, but they would have been wrong. She is not possessed by the Devil, but possessed by my Mothers nature. Of all of us, little Marie is truly an O’Shea child. After she had stopped shouting, and accusing me of getting in the way of her winning the jackpot, I told her once more to get off of the chair and get out of the bar. She then slapped me and told me to f-off or she’d do me.
I had no choice but to go and tell on her. I couldn’t find Mom as she was out walking her demon dog, but Curly told me that he had seen Dad go down into the cellar.

As I made my way down the deadly loose stairs that descend into our pit of a cellar, I saw my Father crouched over one of our beer barrels, with a large tube in his hand. It didn’t take me too long to realize that he was putting liquids back into the barrel. Watering the beer down would have been bad enough, but Dad was actually putting old beer, from the slope bucket behind the bar, back into the barrel.

‘DAD!’ I shouted, immediately displaying my utter contempt for what he was doing ‘what do you think you are playing at?’

You would have thought that he would be all coy and embarrassed at being caught doing something so deceitful and disgusting, but then I suppose you don’t know my Dad. Of course he wasn’t remorseful. He tried to pass it off as normal pub practice and then rounded on me for shouting at him.

‘If you get caught doing this, we would be fined massively. I could lose my license!’

‘Everyone does it J. I can’t afford to pay the breweries prices. They’re way over the top. I need to keep the costs down some way or another.’

‘I don’t care Dad. You’ll get caught. You AWLAYS get caught!’

‘I’ve got worse things to worry about that the brewery finding out’


‘Look, never you fucking mind what! I’m doing what is needed to be done to keep this place going! What are you doing, how are you helping? All you do is moan, moan, moan. I bet you’ve come down here to moan about something or someone’

‘No I haven’t’

‘So what do you want?’

‘I came down to ask if you wanted a cup of tea actually’

‘You lying little bastard. I can tell when you’re lying. Stop worrying about what I’m, or anyone else is doing, and be more concerned about yourself! What are you doing useful at the moment?’

‘I’ve been looking over the books’

‘How’s that going to help us’

‘Well it’s what managers do. They look at the books’

‘Managers get people in. Managers get money in! What are you doing to promote Clint’s karaoke competition? It’s the first heat on Sunday and so far I’ve only seen your brother running around putting posters up.’

‘Well I’m doing something much better than that. I’m doing something on Friday that will have this place heaving’

‘What’s that then?’

‘You’ll see’

‘So you’re doing nothing then’

‘I fecking well am! So get back to sticking the old fag ashed beer back into the barrels, and leave me to act like the only professional person working in this place!’

So after putting my father well and truly in his place I stomped back upstairs, just in time to see Marie collect her 150.00 jackpot out of the fruit machine and celebrate by giving me a one finger salute.

A couple of hours later I thought I had a reason to be happy. I should have learnt by now however that fate conspires against me.

At about three o’clock this afternoon we had quite a few people come in for food. The weather had been glorious this morning and so Babbacombe was busy with tourists, but when it started to rain we benefited from some of those people coming into here for shelter. So once again Kung Fu Phil was running around the kitchen like a headless chicken when the food orders started coming in fast. A particular couple, an old pair in their 50’s, ordered sausages in buns. I was busy serving drinks while Clint took orders, Curly brought out the food and Miller slept in bed. I imagine Dad was still in the cellar fiddling the drinks. Anyway, I had to go into the kitchen to get some glasses out of the washer where I was confront by Kung Fu Phil’s bare ass. Not only was I staring directly as Phil’s saggy, battered love cushions, but I was shocked to find him mincing around the kitchen with a large sausage wedged up his bum like a tail, wagging side to side.

‘What the HELL are you doing Phil?’

Phil dropped the meat and turned around in surprise. Now you would think that he would be all coy and embarrassed at being caught doing something so disgraceful and disgusting, but then I suppose you don’t know our chef. Of course he wasn’t remorseful. He tried to pass it off as normal kitchen practice and then rounded on me for shouting at him.

‘This is what you should expect if you insult a chef’ he shouted, whilst wedging the sausage back between his bottom in defiance.

‘How have you been insulted Phil?’

‘The bitch sent her meal back’


‘She said it was ‘too cold’ he answered in a mock feminine voice.

‘Well that sounds fair enough’

‘Well if she’d had eaten it when Pubic head brought it out to her, instead of chatting away to lover boy, it would have been warm enough! Well if she’s gonna talk shit, she can fucking eat it too!’

At this point Phil yanked the sausage from his arse and rubbed his tiny knob on it for good measure. He then slapped it back into the bun it had originally came from and shouted for Curly, who promptly appeared.

‘Take this back out to the ol’cow and tell her to enjoy’

I quickly snatched the plate off of Curly and told him he would do no such thing.

‘Get your stuff Phil, YOU’RE FIRED. Now fuck off you spotted arse weirdo’

‘You’re not the boss of me, you jumped up, spoilt little mummy boy’

It took every last restraint in my body not to ram the hotdog into his face.

‘You’re quite right, I am not your boss, because YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED. NOW PISS OFF!’

It looked like Phil was about to advance on me and try some of his moves, but luckily for him my Dad appeared.
‘What’s all this fucking noise about? All we can hear out there is fucking this, and fucking that. Watch your fucking language will you!’

‘You’re boy ere has just told me that I’m fired’

‘You’ve done what Jacob?’

‘That’s right Dad. I’ve just walked in here and found gay boy there with a customers sausage up his chocolate factory. Of course I’ve fecking sacked him!’

‘You did what Phil?’

‘That’s right. That stupid old bird out there was pulling my plonker, taking the piss and I was showing her what we do to people like her in the trade! So Johnny, is Jacob right? Am I fired?’

To my astonishment Dad yanked the plate out of my hands, handed it to Curly and told him to give it back to the silly old twat. He then apologized to Phil about me, and ordered me out of the kitchen. In case I didn’t make myself clear, he basically told Phil that he was not fired and made me look like a tit. I left with the image of Phil’s smug face violently burnt into my mind.

As I walked out of the kitchen I saw this silver haired lady delighted to have her meal back. I felt sick, but then I didn’t know whether to feel a little better when the dirty old cow started making crude oral sexual gestures with the hotdog, for the benefit of the old man. My stomach however couldn’t take anymore and I quickly took off after my Dad, leaving Clint to man the bar.

‘What the hell was that about Dad? You’ve just made me look like some sort of moron. You should have been as eager to drown the stupid fecker in the dish water as I was’

‘Oh Jacob, you are so inexperienced aren’t you. This is how the trade works. The beer fiddling, the sausage abuse, it’s all part of the trade. You just need to wise up’

‘That’s bullshit Dad. Fucking rubbish. You know what, I’ve had enough. You can stick this place up YOUR ARSE! I’m going’

I then turned my back on my Dad to storm off but he grabbed a tight hold of my shoulder

‘Look Jacob, if you go, we have no licensee. No licensee, no business. No business, no me!’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean without the business the family is out of a home!’

‘You said ‘no me’

‘No me, no us, no nothing. That is what I meant! You’re not going to do that to your family are you?’

‘Why didn’t you back me up Dad’ I asked, and then came the truth. It appeared that King Fu Phil has been getting us all of the food on the cheap! From where, Dad doesn’t know, or wouldn’t admit to.

‘We’ve got the Barkers birthday party on Sunday and we wouldn’t find another chef in time for that, or food as cheap. So Jacob, forget the stupid woman out there, and worry about your family instead. We need Sunday to go well for us. I need that money. We’re losing dough left right and centre. I’ve got bills coming out of my ears and there’s hardly any money coming in to keep us above water. Please son, just help me out’

Dad looked so deflated, so downtrodden that I just nudged my head and we left it at that. Dad covered the rest of my shift so that I didn’t have to see the stupid sausage jockey in the kitchen again today.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the last falling out me and my Pappy had, because not an hour ago, we had our final bust up of the day. I found myself working again behind the bar because Miller was AWOL. He was last seen dressed in a suit, heading into town. Curly said he was on the pull and was playing the part of a jilted groom. I would call him utterly pathetic but I know the stupid gimp will con some stupid, legless old tart into sleeping with him, via his routine.
So I was stood behind the bar when a big gang of kids came in, looking all of 14 years old. One spotty face twonk came strutting up to the bar and ordered 20 pints for him and the rest of his classroom of friends. I gave him a hearty laugh and then told the lot of’em to piss off. As the mob of bad hair cuts and filthy ragged kids vacated the pub, my Dad appeared and asked where they were going. I laughed and told him how they had tried to order 20 pints for their first round. I momentarily thought my Dad might join in with my laughing, at the nerve of the children but then I should have remembered who I was talking to. He went mad.

‘DO YOU SEE? This is what I mean. You have absolutely no fucking idea how to run a pub do you!’

‘What now? Surly you can’t have expected me to serve them. If the old Bill came in they’d have shut us down in a heartbeat, possibly even arresting me!’

‘Arrest you. Fucking drama Queen. When was the last time a copper came in here? When was the last time any fucker has come in here for a drink on the night time? The Police would have thanked us! We’d be keeping’em off of the streets, keeping them away from annoying nice little old ladies. We’d be doing a fucking public service and making a few hundred quid. You’ve got a hell of a lot to learn. Kids are our best customers. All that money, but no bills to pay, no family to maintain, mortgage or anything. All that lovely money that they just wanna spend on getting pissed! Once they find somewhere that’ll serve them they will keep going every night like it’s Byker fucking Grove! You’ve just lost me a fortune you stupid moron!’

With that I dropped my dish cloth and told my Dad he could close up because I have had enough for today. There is no reasoning with the man! Come the weekend, when we are enjoying the fruits of my master plan, he will be praising me to high Heaven, worshipping me like the business God that I am. Until then I do not wanna hear another word from his stupid mouth!

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Comments by other Members

SJ Williamson at 17:36 on 08 July 2009  Report this post
It's good to have more of Jacob's story … very funny indeed and really enjoyable, Scott.

raiding the til.

- I think its till?

Love the fact that he still goes to tell on his sister!!

Get your stuff Phil, YOU’RE FIRE.


‘What’s all this fucking noise about? All we can hear out there is fucking this, and fucking that. Watch your fucking language will you!’

- great comedy prose here.

I didn't think the Jacob's character could possibly get any more pathetic, but the more he clashes with his Dad, the worse he seems to get. The desperate undercurrent in his Dad's character is good here, and I love the introduction of Jacob's little sister.

A really fun chapter that’s moved us through the story nicely.


The Bar Stward at 18:05 on 08 July 2009  Report this post
Thanks SJ. Everything is building up to the weekend at the moment but I thought this entry would explain the father character a little more, and also introduce his little sister, who hadn't yet appeared in this, other than a passing comment at the begining. The sister actually plays a major part in the end of the story

The Bar Stward at 14:31 on 09 July 2009  Report this post
Does the dialogue flow okay in this?

SJ Williamson at 14:48 on 09 July 2009  Report this post
I really didn't spot anything that stood out Scott.

The other very talented folks who are far better at the technicalities will be able to tell you. To me, it was spot on ... Jacob style.


nezelette at 10:48 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott,

I thought that was really good. I particularly liked the way the story with the dad in the cellar reflects the story with Phil in the kitchen. Very clever.

It's still pacy and engaging, and i think the plot is thickening now and getting us hooked. Also, interestingly, Jacob appears a little more sympathetic now because, although a bit naive, at least he seems to have some work ethics and decency, which is unexpected but a relief, as you don't want a totally disgusting MC.

What are you doing useful at the moment?’

I though that sentence was a bit strange.

Keep going!


The Bar Stward at 12:46 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Thanks Nancy. The main part of this was to establish the father, and also to drive home the fact that he is desperate for the pub to succeed, but for reasons unknown.

The Bar Stward at 12:47 on 10 July 2009  Report this post

Was the sister okay, she's a bit late to the story

The kitchen scene. Too silly?

The dialogue between jacob and father. Did it flow right, believeable?

freynolds at 13:26 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott,

I finally got round to finishing reading this chapter. This was easy to read as it flows well. Nice to get to know 'Dad' a bit better and realise he may be a bad pub manager but is trying better than J. to keep the business, although his methods are far from ethical.

I picked up on a couple of things, difficult to know if it was intentional or not because of the colloquial use of the language, but I'll point them out, in case they were not:

I told her once more to get off of the chair

get off the chair

to get some glasses out of the washer where I was confront by Kung Fu Phil’s bare


What’s all this fucking noise about? All we can hear out there is fucking this, and fucking that. Watch your fucking language will you!

had me in stitches

Tell me the sausage incident is NOT based on a true story, or I'll never eat out again, EVER! I know you should never, ever complain about the food until after you've eaten it, or do so in the nicest possible way, but this has got to be the epitomy of kitchen etiquette!

Very enjoyable, as usual.


The Bar Stward at 13:41 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
The sausage incident is based on stories kitchen staff told me about, not anything I ever witnessed first hand.

Thanks for the comments and advice Fabienne

nezelette at 14:08 on 10 July 2009  Report this post

I loved the sister, although you could maybe mention her in passing a few more times earlier. I thought it was a great character. The whole thing really reminds me of Shameless!

StephB at 14:24 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Scott,

I found this chapter really interesting, in that we finally see that Jacob does have some morals and I feel sorry for him that he's been shouted down; he's trying to do the right thing, albeit in the wrong way, but still he's wrong somehow - an interesting conflict of emotions.

I also really feel for the dad - and how desperate he must be to call these practices 'the norm'.

Re. the sister - I don't recall we've heard anything about her at all before? She did very much come out of the blue and I wonder if she should at least be mentioned earlier on (she may have been and I may have forgotten though?)

Good stuff Scott!

Steph x

The Bar Stward at 14:44 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
She was mentioned at very begining, but since she is such an important character for what happens at the end, I will pobably drop a few lines about her more earlier

fbtoast at 22:14 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Poor old Jacob. I'm really beginning to feel for him, his family are such a nightmare. In spite of all his delusions, he is genuinely a beacon of sanity and good sanitary practices in a desperately sordid world!

Mand245 at 06:31 on 14 July 2009  Report this post
Scott, this was another hugely entertaining chapter - I really enjoyed it. Given that this is so positively written in Jacob's unique voice, it is a little difficult to know what, if anything, should be highlighted in terms of punctuation and grammar, but there were just one or two little things here that stood out for me.

She is not possessed by the Devil, but possessed by my Mothers nature.

my mother's nature.

but then I suppose you don’t know my Dad. Of course he wasn’t remorseful.

know my dad

‘I don’t care Dad. You’ll get caught. You AWLAYS get caught!’

I'll only point this out as an example but, when writing dialogue, you always need to put a comma before the name of the person being addressed: 'I don't care, Dad...

I’m doing something on Friday that will have this place heaving’

Again, I'm just picking this as an example, but you need a full stop after "heaving."

Now you would think that he would be all coy and embarrassed

Although this was a few paragraphs up, you use the expression "coy and embarrassed" when Jacob confronts his father in the cellar, so this sounded a little repetitive to me.

Great stuff - I'm looking forward to the next installment.


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