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One Messerschmitt, Two Messerschmitt, Three Messerschmitt, Four

by Jordan789 

Posted: 09 July 2009
Word Count: 396
Summary: For this week's chalenge. Hope you all do enjoy. Thanks preemptively for reading!


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On a hot summer day, Claire and Francis, hand in hand, maneuvered the traffic of pedestrians, beggars, and skateboarders of Union Square. He led her across the path, under the lush foliage, and to a row of benches.
“Here,” he said. “Look at this.” He bent down on one knee and pointed to a message carved in wood. Claire, will you marry me? -Francis

He did not tell his mother.

It was a busy year for twenty year old Francis. His great uncle and renowned German engineer, Willy Messerschmitt, had died and after the funeral mourning and the estate situation had been untangled, Francis’s mother inherited a large sum of money which allowed her to pursue treatment for an embarrassing condition. This would require moving to Shanghai.

“We can help her move, can’t we?” Claire asked.
Francis had made it a point to keep his fiancé and his mother as far apart as nine-thousand miles of mostly Atlantic Ocean. Besides the inconvenience of distance, he had another reason to postpone the meeting: she was, quite simply, completely insane.

His mother had suffered from a rare follicle condition and her hair had fallen out. When it grew back, thick and greasy in some areas, but patchy, so that her pink agitated scalp showed through, she simply lost it. She cried for months, and none of the doctors in Germany, Switzerland or Austria had a clue—the beauticians either.

At fourteen, when Francis brought his first girlfriend home to meet his mother--poor Lilly Schuer--his mother had exposed her gruesome self. After politely tasting her jagerschnitzel, the girl excused herself and bicycled home. “The inbred,” the woman muttered.

Francis held Claire’s hand and looked into her eyes with the same seriousness he had when he had proposed. “Just to warn you: my mother has a very serious illness--Well, I don’t mean it like that. She won’t die from it, but it’s rather gruesome.”

He could see in her eyes a sympathy and sense of concern for his mother, and not a supposition to grow angry.

“You haven’t said anything before,” she said. “What is it?”

“I don’t know the name, but it’s some rare disease of the hair.”

“Don’t be silly,” she said.

He told her about Lilly. “Suppose your baby-doll daughter has the same genetics?”

“Then, I suppose, we shall have to stop being so god damned vane.”






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 07:35 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

An interesting story though I had to read through a couple of times.

For me it seemed a bit disjointed. More show than tell.

Then Lily was mentioned at the end and perhaps his sister should've been mentioned earlier.

One spelling error, 'vane' which should be 'vain.'

Maybe it's me so we'll see what the others say.

Jennifer



choille at 08:57 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

This sounds rushed, a gallop through - as if you just wrote it off the top of your head.

The Messerschmitt, and other prompts seem thrown in.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's not up to your ususal very high standards at all.

Maybe it could be quite funny with a tinkering about & some work done on it. Maybe you don't likethe prompts?

All the best
Caroline.

Bunbry at 11:49 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan, this has legs [but no hair! - sorry, couldn't resist], but might benefit from a quick edit or two.

I sometimes leave a work 'fallow' for a day or two, then can see any things that need changing really easily.

Nick

PS Preemptively - great word!!

Jordan789 at 16:00 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Eek. Let's see if I can try to sort some of this out. I did spend a lot of time working on this, which doesn't automatically give it any clout or resonance, but it does make me wonder what I need to do to fix. I can see a few issues which probably need to be fixed, but I think I like the story enough to try to extend it, as opposed to trying to make it fit the requirements.

Jennifer: Thanks for reading. Lilly is not his sister and I'm not sure where you're getting that from.

Caroline: Thanks for reading. The challenge is just fine. My ideas went a bit further outside of the word limit though, and I think I had to edit out a lot of good material. I might try to spin something else together in the next couple of days, as I don't want to rework this one, but I think I want to extend it and try to turn it into a full short.

Nick: Yes, it's always wise to give things time to settle. Thanks for reading.

-Jordan

LMJT at 19:36 on 10 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

I like the idea behind this piece, but, like someone else has said, it was a little disjointed. Some of the sentences could do with a little tidy up. The way in which they are structured seemed a little clumsy in part. For example:

His great uncle and renowned German engineer, Willy Messerschmitt, had died and after the funeral mourning and the estate situation had been untangled, Francis�s mother inherited a large sum of money which allowed her to pursue treatment for an embarrassing condition.


When it grew back, thick and greasy in some areas, but patchy, so that her pink agitated scalp showed through, she simply lost it.


I think a culling of commas might be called for!

One typo I saw was 'maneuvered' which I think has an 'O' somewhere along the line.

Thanks for the read.

Liam

tractor at 10:21 on 11 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan,

I think I can see the story your driving to achieve and perhaps, as uou suggest, to treat it properly a short story format is necessary. I did find myself wondering if all this was imahination or whether you'd done some research into the family background? If so, all the more reason to allow thet to blossom in a longer piece.

Cheers

Mark

Findy at 08:39 on 12 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Jordan

I liked the ending very much, the beginning three paras were a bit confusing.

Poor thing, his mother, horrible disease! Maybe she could wear a scarf and get on with her life?

findy

Jordan789 at 15:53 on 12 July 2009  Report this post
To Liam, Findy and Mark: thanks for reading and commenting!

To everyone else: thanks again!

I think the issue here is a pretty piss-poor job of writing exposition. I have to work on this!

Liam:

I don't think those sentences are ungrammatical, but it would take someone wiser in the ways of grammar than myself to say so. They are long though, and convoluted, and seemingly difficult to follow, so something should probably be done! It's maneuvered.



Mark:

Thanks for reading and the support!




Findy:

Thanks Findy! The issue isn't that the mother has the head disease, its that she has a mental condition too. (generally harder to treat than scalp diseases.) But through the one scene although we see her act in a way that is somewhat mortyfing it doesn't explicitly say that she's crazy. I understand the sentiment though.




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