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Friends

by LMJT 

Posted: 14 July 2009
Word Count: 499
Summary: For this week's 'mad, bad and dangerous to know' challenge. Thanks in advance for reading. Liam


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As the tube train pulled away, Adam stifled a yawn. He could do with a night in, but saying ‘no’ to Jax was more trouble than it was worth.

‘How do I look?’ Jax asked.

‘Great.’

She peered through her platinum fringe and arched an eyebrow. ‘Just great?’

She was wearing a tight pink mini-dress and heels so high that they looked impossible to walk in. Her make-up was immaculate, as ever, and her recently cut bob accentuated her sharp cheekbones. She looked to Adam like ‘80s Madonna, and he loved her for that.

‘You know you look hot,’ he said.

He looked down at his own outfit: tight shirt, skinny jeans and winklepickers; all of which Jax had chosen for his ‘image change’, none of which he felt comfortable in.

Jax smiled a tight smile. ‘A compliment never hurts though, does it?’

‘Do you think Kris will be there tonight?’

‘You’re not still hung up on him.’ Jax groaned. ‘He dumped you. Get over it.’

‘I am over it,’ said Adam, too quickly to be believed. Not that Jax was listening, busy as she was tapping a text message.

‘How many pills?’ she asked.

‘I’m not sure I want any.’

‘Don’t be a pussy. I’m texting Ste now. I’ll get us a dozen. You’re okay to pay. Thank god for that inheritance of yours.’

She slipped the phone back into her handbag and took out a small bag of white powder.

‘Here,’ she said, handing it to Adam. ‘In case they check my handbag.’

‘But what if they search me?’

‘My god, don’t look so worried.’ Jax laughed. ‘Fuck, you’re so middle-class. If they search you, just act innocent. It’s a warehouse in Vauxhall. They don’t give a shit what you do.’

Adam cleared his throat. ‘So why don’t you take it, then?’

She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips; this was her look of disdain typically reserved for fat people and Crocs.

‘What did you say?’

‘I said ’Why don’t you take it?’’

‘Don’t be a dick. It’s the least you can do.’

‘What does that mean?’

The train slowed down.

Jax tutted. ‘Look at you. You were nothing until I came along. You were invisible for the whole of freshers’ week. You owe me.’

When the doors opened beside then, Jax stood, but Adam remained seated.

‘Adam, come on. I’m not pandering to your little drama.’

She stepped onto the platform and Adam followed her, stopping at the doors.

Taking the cocaine from his pocket, he threw it at her. It hit her vintage leather jacket, bounced off and hit the floor.

‘You’re a bitch, Jacquline Fielder,’ he said. ‘You’re a narcissistic, money-grabbing cow who cares about no one but herself. And that haircut? It’s horrible. It makes you look like a Lego man.’

As if on cue, the doors swooshed closed and Jax’s mouth dropped into a perfect ‘O’.

Adam smiled as the train pulled away. A friend like that he could do without.






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Comments by other Members



Forbes at 01:10 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
Beautifully done. It flowed so well, and the ending was satisfying. I loved this flash.

Avis

tusker at 07:33 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
I enjoyed this, Liam.

Cheered when he threw the packet at that bitch.

The dialogue, characterisation and surroundings were well written.

Jennifer

LMJT at 09:07 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
Ah, thanks guys!

Liam

Findy at 10:47 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
Nice story Liam, enjoyed very much

findy

LMJT at 11:48 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
Thanks for reading, Findy.



Bunbry at 17:13 on 15 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Liam, a great take on the challenge - realistic and relevant with dialogue that really zings.

There are a couple of bits I might be tempted to do without-

It hit her vintage leather jacket, bounced off and hit the floor.



A friend like that he could do without.


The only other niggle, and this is very personal, is the spelling of Jax. Didn't like it! Perhaps Jacs.

Hope some of this helps

Nick

LMJT at 19:21 on 16 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Nick,

Thanks for reading and your comments. I agree with you on both counts, actually. I was a little hesitant about that last line, and the one about the jacket is a little clunky, isn't it?

I think the niggle about the name is more personal, though, and something I'll probably not change.

Thanks again.

Liam

Jordan789 at 06:00 on 17 July 2009  Report this post
Great mix of exposition / action from the get-go, and solid dialogue. I loved the description of jaq's attire and then how she dressed him.

I only wonder... what took so long for this guy to toss the girl to the curb? She seems to have 0 redeemable traits.

Also, I thought the ending was kind of melodramatic: he should have kept the cocaine!

Jordan

choille at 10:00 on 17 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Liam,

I liked this, but felt it just a tini bit slow at the start with the descriptions. You have two 'tight's near each other - tight skirt & tight smile. Being uber picky here as I really like it.

Loved him describing her hair cut as looking like a lego man.

Best bit:
'You’re a bitch, Jacquline Fielder,’ he said. ‘You’re a narcissistic, money-grabbing cow who cares about no one but herself. And that haircut? It’s horrible. It makes you look like a Lego man.’



Great stuff.

Caroline.

Jordan789 at 16:24 on 17 July 2009  Report this post
Ah I just remember where I heard that legoman insult before. From The Office! (your guys's version) I think Garreth says it about Tim in one of the later episodes.

Bunbry at 16:54 on 17 July 2009  Report this post
I recognised that line too - I'm a huge 'Office' fan.

This is the last line from my story 'A Concerned Son'

but I fear that if I do that, her hand will fall off.



Any idea where I nicked that from??

Nick



LMJT at 10:02 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
Hey Jordan and Nick,

I knew I'd heard that Lego insult somewhere! And, yes, you're right, it is from The Office. Isn't it when Gareth is talking about Tim to someone? The Office is genius, that Christmas episode gets me choked up every time! How do you both feel about Gervais's Extras?

Nick, afraid I don't know where that line came from, but I'll have a good ol' think...

Liam

tractor at 10:05 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
Hi Liam,

this is a srong piece. It captures so much: dominance, deception, derision, extortion etc.

Liked it.

Cheers

Mark

Bunbry at 12:36 on 18 July 2009  Report this post
I enjoyed Extras although I think the first serise was stronger.

And there was a tear in my eye when Dawn came back for Tim [and a song in my heart when David stood up to Finchy and told him to f off]. Another example of brilliant writing!

Nick

crowspark at 09:43 on 19 July 2009  Report this post
Well done, Liam. An engaging piece.


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