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Age

by Zettel 

Posted: 13 August 2009
Word Count: 362
Summary: Not sure I always live up to my own poem. But it's the thought that counts - right?


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Age

Never visit me from duty
or look at me with pain
I donít need your excuses
your concessions dull my brain

I am better now
than I have ever been
in all that I still want to do
know better what I mean
Life learned, love lost and won
passion still undimmed
drives me on my journey
thrilled by where Iím going
not by what Iíve seen.

Keep your thoughts of dark oblivion
of caskets stones and worms
age shall have no dominion
beyond it proper due
Death is not a part of life
we donít live to feel its sting
Iíll explore new ideas
with rigour see them through
share loves that linger longer
deeper than the urgency of youth
ever ever knew.

I do not envy you your youth
where all is yet to come
my journey still excites me
still following the drum
I dance delighted to its beat
and bring to every day
all I am or ever was
everyone Iíve ever been.
Life is passion; passion life
laughter sets it free
life and love too serious
to take too seriously

So talk with me and listen
hear what I have learned
and I will share your troubles
respect what youíve discerned
Share with me your passions
together letís be bold
the thrill of life and love
in unsurrendering hearts
should not bend the knee
to the tyranny of old.
Feel the passing pulse of blood
the deep drawn breath of life
still baying at the moon
embrace the eternity of now
mocking the illusion
of tomorrow, next and soon

If we lived for ever
what would that resolve
trapped in constant circles
we would endlessly revolve
nothing left to doubt
no pain no fear no joy
on this cosmic roundabout
The ache of all our longing
depends upon our loss
the pang of beauty deepens
with the transience of things
look see listen hear
reach out and bravely touch
savour lifeís sweet and bitter taste
share these accumulated days of age
until your spirit also sings
hear and still my sometime rage
now, at last Iím in my prime
I wonít let it go to waste.






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Comments by other Members



Karly at 14:10 on 14 August 2009  Report this post
Hello Zettel

I thought your poem had some little gems within it. I particularly like the following.


Keep your thoughts of dark oblivion
of caskets stones and worms
age shall have no dominion


and I loved the following idea too.



If we lived for ever
what would that resolve
trapped in constant circles
we would endlessly revolve
nothing left to doubt
no pain no fear no joy
on this cosmic roundabout


I am not great on the technical aspect so I will leave that to soemone else.

Karly

joanie at 18:00 on 14 August 2009  Report this post
Hi, Z. I can really associate with I do not envy you your youth
where all is yet to come
.

This all rings very true!!

A good read.

joanie


Zettel at 23:48 on 14 August 2009  Report this post
Thanks Karly and Joannie

Karly

I'm not sure it will stand up to much technical analysis. As with popular songs I quite like half rhymes and every now and then full rhymes when they will fit in with the rhythm. But I try to avoid rigidly structured rhymes as these seem to me to get in the way and distract attention from the feeling, the substance of what one is trying to express. As far as I can I try to let the poem 'tell' me when it needs the resonance of a rhyme - perhaps a little like the few notes of a musical motif that pops up welcome but unexpected in a piece of music. I am drawn to rhymes as endings and to a lesser extent beginnings. The one to encourage you in to the poem with an echo of the familiar: the other to give a sense of closure that echoes what went before.

Don't know if it works. It's just sort of how it feels.

Thanks for the comment.

Joannie

As ever your comment is much appeciated. Glad there was an 'echo' for you.

regards

Z

SarahT at 17:44 on 15 August 2009  Report this post
Hi Zettel,

I think that there are some great encouragements in this poem but I wondered whether it was too long. It's not that I think you should throw much away but I actually thought that the last verse could stand alone by itself as a different poem.

All the earlier verses of the poem are about, more or less, communication and attitudes to those who are aging and a defiance in the face of age. The last verse, which I think is my favourite, feels more profound. It is not simply about defying age, but it is asking, and answering, an actual philosophical question and for this reason alone, I think it fits a shortere length poem. I think you would need to take the last three lines out to make it work but you could add them to the verses so they wouldn't go to waste.

Hope this is helpful!

Sarah

Zettel at 19:05 on 15 August 2009  Report this post
Sarah

Interesting thought. I'll look at it. Thanks

Z

freynolds at 08:12 on 26 August 2009  Report this post
Hi Zettel,

My favourite lines are;
Life learned, love lost and won
passion still undimmed
drives me on my journey
thrilled by where Iím going
not by what Iíve seen.


and

look see listen hear
reach out and bravely touch
savour lifeís sweet and bitter taste
share these accumulated days of age
until your spirit also sings
hear and still my sometime rage
now, at last Iím in my prime
I wonít let it go to waste.


The above verses echo of determination and enthusiasm for life. Age is but the passing of time that does not affect the spirit and instead of regretting younger days it aspires to better ones. I really liked this.

In a sense, I agreed with Sarah's comment but I am not sure it is to do with any technicalities, rather I think, it is because of my own preference for shorter poems.

I really enjoyed reading this and rather liked the unstructured rhymes that give the poem a natural flow.

Fabienne


Zettel at 10:57 on 06 September 2009  Report this post
Fabienne

thanks for the comments. sorry so long to acknowledge. been away.

i too agree with sarah in a sense - but the shortened version,though technically a better poem perhaps, because more distilled lacks some of the detail of resistance to stereotypes and easy assumptions, some of the rebellion if you will of the longer version.

especially pleased with your comment about the unstructured rhymes. I much prefer this form because as soon as you fit rhymes in to a structured pattern they define rhythm in a way that i dislike. I try to use unstructured rhymes to aid the rhythm but also to bring a sense of resonance to a poem - I suppose it has become my most instinctive form. I'm sure there is a technical name for it though I haven't heard it - apart from 'half rhymes' which mine aren't always. the odd thing is that even though unstructured they are not random - i reject many simply because they either break up the flow I want or resonate at the wrong point, echo the wrong earlier part of the poem. This is instinctive as it must be to retain benefits i want from the unstructured quality. among other things it is a technique that allows one to surprise the reader with an unexpected rhyme and even when appropriate to deny the readder a rhyme where they expected one - thus tweaking attention, even focussing it.

one finds this a lot in song lyrics though of course the 'patterns' are different.

thanks again for the comments

regards

z


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