Login   Sign Up 



 

The Collector

by tusker 

Posted: 14 October 2009
Word Count: 583
Summary: For the 'taken in' challenge


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced



“Come in. You look cold.” Magnified eyes gazed through thick rimmed spectacles at the middle-aged woman on Mr. Gibbin’s doorstep.

“Oh, my boots are muddy,” the woman said, her black plastic mackintosh glinting raindrops.

“Mud is fine,” Mr. Gibbin told her and stood aside, his portly frame bowing slightly.

The woman looked over her shoulder at the rain pouring down into gravel puddles before stepping over the threshold of a Georgian house set in a field of dying sunflowers. “Oh my!” she let out a soft exclamation as her gaze fell upon tapestries dulled by centuries of dust that adorned four walls.

Mr. Gibbin smiled. “Lovely aren’t they?” She nodded but her expression didn’t seem to agree with his admiration for the depictions of dead animals, battles and executions. “Would you like a drink to warm you up?” She smiled, said she loved to but had many more houses to call upon. “So what can I do for you?” Mr. Gibbin asked.

“I’m collecting for Save Kingly Donkey Sanctuary,” came the reply and remembering her manners, said, “I’m Miss Spears, founder of the charity. We’re fighting to keep our site for rescued donkeys. The two fields are scheduled to be developed.” She held out a soft plump hand. Mr. Gibbins shook it. Miss Spears withdrew her hand, and looked at her fingers as if she’d been scalded. Then she took out an envelope from a plastic carrier bag that contained many others with donkeys stamped on the front. “You can donate anything you want,” she said. “It all adds up.”

Mr. Gibbin gazed at the envelope for a long moment. “I don’t like donkeys,” he broke the silence with a quiet reply.

“Oh dear, I’m sorry to have bothered you,” Miss Spears replied. “But we’re really desperate. Time is running out.”

“You’ve not bothered me, Miss Spears.” He smiled. “In fact, living here in this big old house can be quite lonely at times.” He paused and a grandfather clock ticked somewhere, it’s tick like a heavy tread.

“Yes, well,” Miss Spears uttered, her eyes coming to rest on a death scene depicted on a tapestry nearest to her.

“Ah! You’ve spotted it!” Mr. Gibbins sounded pleased.

Miss Spears looked back at him. “That scene, the one with the man thrusting a sword into a woman’s chest?” she asked in almost a whisper.

Mr. Gibbins nodded a bald head. “Can you see a donkey behind her?”

She grimaced. “A dead donkey and a man…” She gasped as if in sudden recognition. Turning, she ran for the solid front door.

“My tapestry isn’t finished, Miss Spears,” he told her.

Miss Spears stopped and, as she turned, Mr. Gibbins picked up an ornamental sword from an ancient oak chest. “Mr. Gibbins!”

“Miss Spears,” he said, taking fluid steps towards her. “Now, my dear, I must complete the tapestry.”

“No, please.” She pressed her back against the door, her hand fumbling for the latch. “I promise I’ll give all the money back.”

“There’s no need, my dear,” Mr. Gibbins told her in a gentle voice. “You can pay for your deeds in full at this very moment. Your partner will be dealt with later.”

Outside, heavy rain drowned out the woman’s last earthly scream. Beyond the field of dying sunflowers, Miss Spear’s accomplice, at the end of the drive, waited in a black transit van for his wife’s return with yet more money conned out of the elderly, the lonely and many naïve animal loving strangers.










Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 17:21 on 14 October 2009  Report this post
A bit of a rum do for embezzlement, Jennifer - he surely got her cumuppence! I loved the tapestry idea to bits! The tone was so nicely tongue in cheek too.

Arian at 19:14 on 14 October 2009  Report this post
A very nice idea, Jennifer, though I couldn’t help feeling that the retribution exacted from poor old miss Spears was a bit – in today’s political parlance – disproportionate.

Also, I got (but I’m not the sharpest tool in the box) a trifle confused at one point – one minute the tapestries are “...dulled by centuries of dust...”, implying they’re very old (and finished), the next minute they’re unfinished works of Mr. Gibbin.

A few technical issues:

In a sentence such as
Magnified eyes gazed through thick rimmed spectacles at the middle-aged woman on Mr. Gibbin’s doorstep.

...the eyes are grammatically disconnected from Mr G. The construction implies that there’s three of them – Mr G, Miss S. and the owner of the eyes. This would be cleaned up by a minor change:

Mr Gibbin’s magnified eyes gazed through thick-rimmed spectacles at the middle-aged woman on his doorstep.


Be careful not to overwrite – e.g. can dust be said to adorna wall? Unusual, if so. Just
...gaze fell upon tapestries dulled by centuries of dust.
would do.

Plus some typos such as Miss Spear’s (Spears’?)

Most of these are just nits, though – very imaginative concept, could be very strong with some tweaking (ghastly word, sorry).
peter


Bunbry at 19:40 on 14 October 2009  Report this post
This reminds me a little of The Avengers for some strange reason! I remember Steed investigating exccentric villains like this!

I think a couple of points need explaining - for example why did the chap have a tapestry of a donkey dying? And why, when seeing it, did the woman realise she was doomed?

But the story had a lovely old-world feel to it which I enjoyed.

Nick

V`yonne at 21:13 on 14 October 2009  Report this post
Oh, Nick... do you remember the one where there was some kind of lift but it always took them back to the same room and then they dicovered a kind of conduit in whis=ch the lift was housed but threr seemed to be no way out of that either? And did you like Sapphire and Steel?

<Added>

so terrified my fingers won't press the right keys! :0

debac at 11:53 on 15 October 2009  Report this post
Very enjoyable and atmospheric, Jennifer.

I did feel a bit confused by whose viewpoint it was in, though. My confusion started with the first sentence and continued. Perhaps it was omniscient? - I'm not very good at recognising that.

I agree with Peter that the punishment seemed a bit disproportionate, but it was a lovely, creepy piece...

Deb

Prospero at 13:42 on 15 October 2009  Report this post
Great idea. Jennifer, the faux collectors providing models for the artist and their comeuppance was strangely satisfying.

Best

Prosp

tusker at 14:29 on 15 October 2009  Report this post
Thanks all for your comments and pointers.

I suppose I should've made it clearer that Mr. Gibbins is very ancient and those depictions are the acts he's committed over his his past and many lives through to the future.

Thanks Prosp.

I had Micro Horror in mind but I think I should make it clearer and with my usual and much more blood thirsty manner.

Jennifer

choille at 10:50 on 17 October 2009  Report this post
Hi Jennifer - This is fun. I think you've had some good points raised here.

The only other nit I'd add is I think I'd scrub 'at the end of the drive' as it seems to make the sentence a little clunky.

Beyond the field of dying sunflowers, Miss Spear’s accomplice, at the end of the drive, waited in a black transit van for his wife’s return with yet more money conned out of the elderly


It has a sort of Edwardian feel to it. Nice tie in with the tapestries & the way the Ms Spears gets her cumuppence.

Bravo.

All the best
Caroline.

Bunbry at 13:43 on 17 October 2009  Report this post
And did you like Sapphire and Steel?


Yes I did Oonah! I was of an age when I'd watch anything that combined spooky stuff with pretty ladies!!

Re that episode of The Avengers, I can't bring it to mind unless it was the one that had Peter Bowls in it. But, suffice to say, I loved all the different serise.

Nick


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .