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Angela`s Dress

by notanodalisque 

Posted: 14 November 2009
Word Count: 1804
Summary: I'm trying something I haven't done before, here, and I'm not sure it works. I'd like to know if it feels overwritten, because I wonder if the language is too heavy. I was also unsure of how heavy-handed to be with with the point of the story, so tell me your reactions and I'll know if it is too subtle. All comments warmly recieved!


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“This is for you.” Matteo handed Odette a large, black box, fastened with yellow ribbon. As she untied it, the top flaps quivered. Inside was a layer of ruched paper and, underneath that, a dress. Its tissue-paper body seemed to breath in, rising slightly, as if it had something to say.

Odette had met this dress before. Late at night, months ago, when Matteo had taken her to buy her bridal gown. She hadn’t asked if he had taken Marianne or Angela to the same shop. She had almost asked him if he wouldn’t prefer to be surprised with a dress of her choice, but he’d done this twice before, she reminded herself. The surprises must begin to pale by your third wedding day. So she had agreed to him escorting her, choosing the shop, making the arrangements. He was meant to leave work early and get there by four, but the hours trickled by, and Odette sat with her book as shoppers left and were replaced by pre-theatre drinkers, then real drinkers, sipping wine from oversized glasses and flashing sparkling jewellery in the increasing dark. She placed her phone on the table and continued to wait. There’s no point calling a heart surgeon when he’s late from work. You don’t want to hear the reasons. Eventually he had appeared, all smiles and apologies and endearing creases of worry on his forehead. He had led her along snickleways secreting unexpected restaurants, puddles and waterspouts, until they reached a shambling street. Emerging from the dark mouth of an alley, Odette was dazzled by the lighted windows. Their destination sat dimly between a window of expensive china and one of antique jewellery, opal and topaz glowing through the glass. The panes of Droopy & Browns revealed a few stuttering light bulbs decorated by the labours of hard-working spiders. It looked like it had forgotten it was not lit by gas.
Inside, Matteo’s friend the managing director waited for them with Beverley, the store’s manageress. She was a tall woman, dressed in a sweeping skirt and a high-necked blouse, her waist nipped in to give the impression of a shapely pillar. Her long nails were lacquered red. Beverley swept back a velvet curtain and revealed a small room containing a casement window and a hat stand. “Go on in there” she pointed “and slip out of your dress.” Odette looked at her “I’ll need your measurements.” She turned, the train of her skirt descending the stairs after her. Odette tried to pull the curtain back across, but it was too high and too heavy. At least the glass was misted up, otherwise she would be on display in this lit-up room like she imagined the women in Amsterdam’s windows. Undressing, she wished she had worn a slip, and folded her arms across her chest to allay the goose-bumps. What was she meant to do now? Wait? Or was she meant to saunter out to find the woman, half-naked? She waited for a while, perched on the edge of the window seat. She thought she could hear a rustling from the next room. She shivered and, rubbing her skin, leant back, startling away from the cold panes behind her. A dark shape on the hatstand caught her eye. It was a long gown, with wide kimono sleeves. She put it on and padded out to find Beverley.
Turning into the room from which the rustling seemed to come, Odette let her eyes adjust to the dim light straining in from the streetlamp outside. The room was lined with bookshelves. She stroked the dust from the nearest volume. ‘Vogue, October 1948’, to the left, September, to the right, November. She ran her hand along a yard of copies, and caught her foot on a pile of magazines. She picked one up, ‘Vogue January 1986’. Beside them there was another door.
Groping into the next room, Odette felt the iron of a banister and found she was in a gallery at the top of a spiral staircase. She caught sight of a woman standing with her back to her, looking onto the street. Half-silhouetted, there were red tinges in the shadow of her dress, and a trailing veil falling from her hat over her face. She was tall and elegant, her waist half the girth of Odette’s own, and she stood completely still, poised and calm. Odette began to creep towards her. Then a piece of fabric caught her ankle, and she was falling. “Shit!” She landed in a pile slippery material. “Sorry. I-” she broke off because the woman remained still, her back turned. Her dress was as high necked as Beverley’s, the buttons running up the back. Odette lifted herself from the floor and tried to return the pile of slippery stoles to their original arrangement. They were still a rumpled mess when a shaft of light fell from behind her onto the woman at the window. She had no head, no hands, just three wooden feet.
Beverley looked down from a doorway and Odette checked that her kimono hadn’t come open in her fall.
“How did you get here?” Beverley asked. Before Odette had to answer, she heard a voice from below.
“Hello? You up there? Let me put the lights on for you,” and suddenly she found herself lit, with two heads peering up at her. She tried to wrap the lower half of her gown tighter, making a grating noise as she disturbed taffeta dresses crowding around her.
“How are you doing, love?” Matteo had called up, “you will come and show me when you’ve got something on, won’t you?” She nodded. She was almost sure she heard him murmur “or nothing on” to his friend as their voices receded.
Beverley had taken her to the original room by a different route, told her to take off her kimono, then her bra. “You can’t expect me to measure you in,” she paused and assessed, “padded M&S.” Odette had shivered in the middle of the room, watching herself, white in the mirror, with Beverley towering behind her. She flinched as the cold tape touched her skin. Murmurs rose from downstairs, but she couldn’t make out the words.
Odette went up and down the stairs in dresses the manageress handed to her, watching for Matteo’s reaction. He and his friend would look at her appraisingly, as she tried to keep her balance on the stairs, and then look at each other as they conferred. They settled on the sixth one she tried, a plain silk crepe dress, with spaghetti straps exposing her shoulders. It was heavy and cold against her skin.
“So I don’t need to try anything else on?” Odette asked.
“No, love” said Matteo. Then he turned back to his friend to pick up their interrupted conversation. Odette ascended the stairs carefully, holding the dress above her feet. As she handed it back to Beverley, she caught her eye. She was colder than ever, she was looking forward to the warmth of her woollen dress.
“You were in Angela’s room.” Beverley stated.
“The one with the magazines?” Odette asked.
“The Vogues. Every one printed for more than fifty years.”
“None recently” Odette said. She’d seen the numbers on the ones by the far doors.
“No one has brought a copy to this shop since Angela died.” Beverley said, “I wouldn’t mention it to Matteo. They don’t like people in that room.”
They were interrupted by calls from downstairs. Beverley went to see what the men wanted, and Odette picked up her dress and turned it the right way out. Then she went over to the doorway to see if she could hear what was going on. The rustling from the room of Vogues grew louder. A pair of brown whiskers nosed around the skirting board, then there was a creak on the stair and they disappeared. Odette scurried back behind the curtain.
“You needn’t put that back on,” Beverley told her, “he’s spotted something for you.” Then she disappeared again. Odette sat back down at the casement. She folded her hands into her dress for warmth, then thought how silly she must look, mostly naked, covering her hands. She put the dress down again.
Beverly returned with some stiff red velvet folded over her arm. When she shook it out, Odette recognised the gown from the mannequin. The stiff fabric kept a body-like shape. The manageress handed it over. She had to undo the buttons at the cuffs to get her hands through. Then she considered the row of buttons up the back. She was about to ask Beverley, “could you-,” but felt her cold fingers working up, from her buttocks, through her lower back, where the dress contracted, then her waist, where it was tighter still, buttoning up past the shoulders to the nape of her neck. The ring of the collar around her throat was tight. Beverley rebuttoned the cuffs and she was encased. Opposite her, in the mirror, stood the woman from the window.
“You’ll need to put your hair up,” Beverley said, twisting Odette’s ponytail into a bun, “and to get some earrings. But down you go.” Odette didn’t take her eyes off the woman in the mirror as they walked together towards the door. She didn’t lose her balance on the stairs this time. She sailed to the bottom and was received in silence. She turned and went slowly back up.

Now, here was the dress, exhaling slightly as the tissue paper settled. “You were breathtaking in it.” Matteo took the dress from the box by its shoulders and shook it out, scattering paper, then laid it on the bed. “Put it on for me.”
As her husband’s fingers were fumbling with the buttons at her waist, Odette wondered whether the rat lived among the Vogues, quietly shredding them, or if it had just been passing through. The fabric was tightening, and she tried to take shallow breaths, so that Matteo would not have to pull at it. “We were very lucky to get this,” Matteo said, “there aren’t many Angela originals left. This was one of the last designs she did.” Odette tried to nod, but Matteo was buttoning at the back of her neck, pulling the collar against her throat. “And finally,” he said, producing a smaller box, “to top it off.” It was the hat the mannequin had worn. Matteo placed it on her head and drew the netting down over her face.
Odette gazed blankly out. Only her hands were showing. The skirts of the dress weighed her down, the upper half closed around her torso and neck, and she concentrated on bringing enough air into her lungs with shallow breaths. She stood still.
Matteo walked in a circle around her. “You look perfect” he said.






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Comments by other Members



jim60 at 18:30 on 16 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Charlie, I read this while trying not to think too much about your summary.
I didn't think that the story was overwritten. The detailing was very well put together, I wasn't quite sure what you meant by the language being too heavy, but I didn't think that was the case, it is possible that I have missed something.
I feel that there is an air of mystery surrounding Angela's dress and I became a little suspicious of Matteo, mostly when Odette has the dress on and her feeling of being trapped inside it, and what Matteo actually saw when she put it on. Did he see Odette or Angela?
Just thoughts, and you can of course correct or ignore me as you wish.
Very interesting.
Jim.


Candiflare at 18:43 on 16 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Charlie,

I really like this, it's like modern day Rebecca! I think you're a great writer - you describe those things we all think but that we haven't yet put in writing (like the breathing shallowly when someone is doing your dress up from behind!) And it was all described so well. The subtlety was just the right level; I had a sense of how Odette was feeling without you having to spell it out. I wish I could write fiction like you.

There really is nothing to criticise in this.. and normally I cringe if I read bad writing and can't carry on. But I read yours to the end and thought it was great.

The only thing is that I wish you'd used spaces between paragraphs! It would have been much easier to read if you'd used paragraph spaces instead of the big clump!

Is this going to turn into a longer story?



StephB at 20:42 on 16 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Charlie,

I didn't feel like this was overwritten at all; I think you've developed a really strong atmosphere in this piece. I found it really quite sinister and claustrophobic, but thought that it was a really interesting piece of writing.

Its tissue-paper body seemed to breath in, rising slightly, as if it had something to say.

Beautiful imagery.

Odette sat with her book as shoppers left and were replaced by pre-theatre drinkers, then real drinkers, sipping wine from oversized glasses

I love how you've illustrated the passage of time here.

He had led her along snickleways secreting unexpected restaurants, puddles and waterspouts,

I don't know why, but I stumbled here a little - perhaps a comma after 'snickleways'? (Never heard that term before, but such a lovely word!!)

You've written some really effective descriptions; you have a lovely style of showing, not telling which is quite a skill. Have you written any more of this?

Steph x

NicciF at 10:50 on 17 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Nicola

Sorry this piece of work slipped through the net, only noticed it this morning.

I've printed it out to read whilst drinking hot chocolate and eating coffee & walnut cake this afternoon. Friends over for supper last night and I'm feeling a little delicate this morning.

Will post comments later today.

Sorry again.

Nicci


Joella at 08:29 on 18 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Charlie, I love this, was disappointed when it came to an end. The atmosphere you've created, suspense, your descriptions make this an extremely good piece of writing. It has a polished, professional feel about it and I can't think of a single criticism. I am suspicious of Matteo, not a character I warmed to and there is a sense that all is not as it seems...! I hope there is more to this story, as you have me hooked! Would love to be able to write like this! Regards, Joella.

NicciF at 08:50 on 18 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Nicola

I really enjoyed this. It’s a slow start, however, it builds slowly and the atmosphere/anticipation that you’re created more than makes up for this. Also you do have an immediate “hook” in the dress which “has a life of its own.”

I have a handful of minor nits (nothing too drastic I promise) as follows:

[quote] Matteo handed Odette a large, black box, fastened with yellow ribbon. [/quote]
Don’t think you need the first comma.

[quote]As she untied it, the top flaps quivered. [/quote]
Again not sure that you need the comma.

[quote] Odette had met this dress before. [/quote]
“Met” – I know what you mean, just not sure that it’s the best word.

[quote]but he’d done this twice before, she reminded herself. [/quote]
I stumbled a bit over the word order, perhaps this would be better - “but, she reminded herself, he’d done this twice before.”

I love the way you’ve handled the passing of time while Odette is waiting for Matteo. I think it needs a little re-working as I initially thought she was waiting for him at a bridal shop, which made the mention of drinkers etc confusing.

[quote] snickleways [/quote]
Interesting expression which I’ve never heard before. I knew what you meant, but had to read it a couple of times just to be sure. Is there another word you can use? I think it will cause most readers to stumble which jars you out of the story and back to reality.

[quote]Droopy & Browns [/quote]
Lovely shop – still want to buy a dress from there one day – surely everyone sane woman’s dream. However, your treatment of the story, and what I hope will follow, makes this all rather sinister. Perhaps you just want to describe a dress shop rather than link it to an existing business. Can hear potential law suits gathering!

[quote]It looked like it had forgotten it was not lit by gas. [/quote]
I love this image, however, I stumbled slightly over the sentence. Just need to reword it slightly I think.

[quote] Inside, Matteo’s friend the managing director waited [/quote]
I think you need commas around “the managing director”. I might be wrong, however, I was taught that if you can remove a section and the sentence still “works” then you need commas ie “Inside, Matteo’s friend waited for…”

I love Odette’s reference to the Amsterdam windows, however, I think the sentence needs a little reworking. I think the main “problem” is “like she imagined”

[quote]leant back, startling away from the cold panes behind her.[/quote]
Again I love this image, I just think the sentence needs a little reworking. At the moment it almost reads as if the cold panes are causing her to lean back, not that she leans back onto the cold panes which then causes her to startle away. Sorry very long complex sentence – I hope you can extract my meaning!

[quote]Turning into the room from which the rustling seemed to come.[/quote]
“The rustling” suggests that rustling has already been mentioned – it hasn’t. Perhaps something like this would be better. “Following a rustling sound Odette turned towards a small darkly lit room.”

It’s a great idea that Odette mistakes a mannequin for a real woman. Such a human touch and something I’m sure we’ve all experienced something similar.

[quote]making a grating noise as she disturbed taffeta dresses crowding around her.[/quote]
“Grating” sounds too harsh and hard – metal grates, not taffeta. Change that one word to a softer sound and the image will be fantastic. Anyone whose been wedding dress shopping will relate to the feeling of being swamped by yards upon yards of silk and lace!

[quote] “You can’t expect me to measure you in,” she paused and assessed, “padded M&S.” [/quote]
Brilliant, so simple and yet so scathing. I only hope that the bra and knickers where matching and not of the “grey supposed to be white” variety. Again a lovely human touch.

[quote]As she handed it back to Beverley, she caught her eye. She was colder then ever, she was looking forward to the warmth of her woollen dress. [/quote
I know that in the 2nd sentence the “she” is Odette, however, it is a little confusing. Also should the comma after “ever” be a semi-colon?

[quote]A pair of brown whiskers[/quote]
I assumed that this was a cat, until Odette’s later reference to a rat. Perhaps here you need to indicate Odette’s reaction to seeing a rat. I don’t think she scream, but perhaps recoil slightly.

Sorry Nicola, my handful turned out to be rather more, however, as I said at the beginning they are very minor things. My overall impression remains one of enjoyment and intrigue. You have some beautiful descriptions. You might want to add a little more dialogue earlier on. Perhaps a short burst of conversation when Matteo finally arrives. I’ve just done a quick count and there are only 12 words of dialogue by the time Beverley finds Odette by the spiral staircase.

Really looking forward to seeing how this progresses.

Nicci


Demonqueen at 23:00 on 20 November 2009  Report this post
Hi Nicola,

In response to your note at the beginning, I'm not sure you've been heavy handed enough - I didn't get it. Mind you, sometimes I need a brick on the head to get the point across! I wasn't sure if your MC was supposed to be afraid of her husband, or just a doormat. If the point of the story is that he's supposed to be a control freak, that needs a lot more emphasis. If she is afraid of him, why? He seemed amicable enough from what I met of him, albeit very brief. Perhaps a few throw away comments that imply without clarifying might help?

At first, though, I thought you were leading us into a weird ghost story what with the cobwebbed windows, the old fashioned style of dressing (with Beverly and The Dress), the mysterious woman in the shop window and the old magazines. There was a strong, slightly creepy/sinister atmosphere with the shop. maybe think about transferring little of this atmosphere onto the character of Matteo (assuming he's supposed to be a bad guy).

Or maybe it was about him dressing up his subsequent girlfriends like this Angela? Treating Odette more like a doll than a wife? I would play on that more if that's the case, especially at the end when you are, in essence, 'revealing' what you've been building up to. You've made mention of another ex - what happened to her? And how does your MC feel about being treated like that? Did she realise before the wedding or only after? Did his attitude change toward her once they were married?

To me, there seemed to be a hundred ways this story could go, but I didn't feel there was enough indications to lead us to where you wanted. I didn't understand enough of the complexities of their relationship.

I printed this off in order to read it in bed but when I got to the end, I was expecting it to continue further I wondered if I'd had a technical mishap. I think part of the reason for this is that you had a paragraph where Beverly helps her dress, then it is immediately followed by another para where Matteo is doing the same thing. Also, I think the last sentence would have a stronger impact if we were a bit more privy to this couple's relationship.


A few bits I picked on on my first read:

“This is for you.” Matteo handed Odette a large, black box, fastened with yellow ribbon. As she untied it, the top flaps quivered. Inside was a layer of ruched paper and, underneath that, a dress. Its tissue-paper body seemed to breath in, rising slightly, as if it had something to say.

Odette had met this dress before. Late at night, months ago, when Matteo had taken her to buy her bridal gown. She hadn’t asked if he had taken Marianne or Angela to the same shop. She had almost asked him if he wouldn’t prefer to be surprised with a dress of her choice, but he’d done this twice before, she reminded herself.


It wasn't until later on I realised you had actually used the gap between paras. as a switch between time periods and had wondered why she was going to a dress shop when she had already been given a dress (hand me a brick please). As a suggestion, perhaps consider this:

Its tissue-paper body seemed to breath in, rising slightly, as if it had something to say. Odette had met this dress before, late at night, months ago...

Matteo had taken her to buy her bridal gown.


...as a lead in. BTW I should say, your beginning did draw me in, it's only later on it seemed a touch misleading.

She had almost asked him if he wouldn’t prefer to be surprised with a dress of her choice,


Just felt a touch clunky, tongue tying.

BTW, what's snickleways? If it's the name of somewhere, it needs a capital, or I need another bump on the head...

Matteo’s friend the managing director
You did a marvellous job of creating the image of this place as somewhere old, forgotten about, dusty and not much used. Managing Directer sounds a little high powered business for that image. Maybe 'owner' might work? IMHO!

Odette tried to pull the curtain back across, but it was too high and too heavy.

How can one woman sweep it open effortlessly but the next can't? Why, is Odette a child? This did cross my mind and I began to worry, after your note, where you were going with it!

You did a really good job on making me feel cold as well, BTW. I had to put a jumper on.

There were a few instances that could be tightened up a little, i.e.

Odette begun to creep towards her
Odette Crept towards her/ tiptoed towards her (oh, and why is she creeping?)

Making a grating noise...
grating metal rang out as she disturbed taffeta... or something that makes us feel the sudden disturbance. Also, as she was just creeping around, implying she doesn't want to be heard, does the noise make her tense up/ jump/ freeze in her steps as she realises she's been caught?

Beverly had taken her...
use of 'had' seems like we are now talking about something happening in a different time period. Beverly took her...

Every one printed for more than fifty years...


Vogue January 1986 did you mean 1968? How old is Matteo? Oh, God, I was right about the child bit then?! Oh blimey, well, that explains why they went shopping in a back ally at night time then. But how are they married? Okay, it's official, I'm confused. What country are we in? Well, I never got any of that until I picked it apart. Actually, the more I think about it, the cleverer I think you are! Ouch! (that was the brick) A little too subtle for my thick head. Subtle but yeah, a bit like the film The Sixth Sense I am now thinking back to all those little clues... (thumbs up), they were there....

What more can I say???

All the best,

Charlie

notanodalisque at 15:17 on 25 November 2009  Report this post
Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your helpful, detailed comments. I've made a lot of the small changes you suggested, spacing, commas, wording, etc. Many of you pointed out that I need to develop the characters a lot more, and give more background to their relationship. I think you're absolutely right, so I'm going to work on that.

I hadn't realised until I put it up here that 'snickleways' isn't a commonly known word, I am guessing now that it must be Yorkshire dialect. It refers to the little alleyways between buildings.

For Nicci, I have disappointing news that Droopy & Brown's has closed down. I have taken the name out anyway, and will continue to treasure the dresses I acquired while I had the chance.

I have some serious reworking to do on this. Thank you all for your comments, they have been very, very helpful.

Nicola

Johnnymac at 22:56 on 15 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Nicola,
I know it's been a while since you posted this, but I've only just read it and I thought it was great. I'm sure you've made a few amendments here and there following the comments, but when I read it I felt that it didn't need to change that much. One of the problems, I find, with reading amateurs' writing (like my own I'm sure) is that you hit sentences that really don't flow, or really jar with the rest of the piece, but I never felt that with this and only felt the need to read on.
Well done.
John


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