Desert Life
Posted: 17 November 2009
Word Count: 130
Summary: Week 67 challenge.
The book - The Mucker by Edgar Rice Burroughs. This is a great story. Very colorful language.
The three words from the 3rd line of 3 different chapters...
Grumblings - Lonely - Danger
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Desert dawn breaks chill and lonely.
From the east, sun climbs slowly,
casting long shadows across barren rocks
as grays fade to oranges then browns.
Roadrunners search for slow moving reptiles
soaking up solar energy in their race for survival.
Emaciated tumbleweeds, pushed by wind
have no choice where they settle.
Midday brings danger from scorching heat,
the sun at its zenith burns earth.
Shadows, too small for shade, hold no respite
from sun's glaring rays.
A rock tumbles from its precarious perch
as evening quickly cools after sun's retreat.
Long shadows fade from gray to black,
their colors stolen by cold moon and endless stars.
Grumblings of the prospector’s woman
fall on deaf ears as he happily snores,
waiting on the chill desert dawn.
For her, dawn is lonely.
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Comments by other Members
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 FelixBenson at 15:22 on 18 November 2009
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A very vividly drawn scene. Some great lines:
Emaciated tumbleweeds, pushed by the wind
have no choice where they settle. |
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and
| Shadows, too small for shade, hold no respite |
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and the final line - | For her, the dawn is lonely. |
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I like the rhythm and pace - very sympathetic to the scene and the way we follow the rise and fall of the sun.
Good work - I enjoyed this!
(God what I would give for a bit of searing desert heat now.  )
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 Nella at 15:51 on 18 November 2009
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Oh, you're out to make me homesick! Great descriptions of such a familiar landscape. Oh, that desert dawn!
I think I like these lines best.
Midday brings danger from scorching heat
as the sun, at it's zenith burns the earth.
Shadows, too small for shade, hold no respite
from the sun's glaring rays. |
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I just wondered if you need that comma after "sun".
I also think that you could perhaps lose a few of the definite articles. Otherwise - I love it!
Robin
P.S. How's the weather this November?
P.S.S. We used to love Anza Borrego. Have you walked the Palm Canyon?
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M. Close at 16:04 on 18 November 2009
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Hi Robin,
English class was a long time ago for me....and even though this will make me sound like I shouldn't even be writing my address...here goes.....What is a definite article?
So. Cal. November is just beautiful, The mornings and evenings are crisp, the days are sunny and warm. We had a light Santa Ana wind the other day but it only lasted half a day, so was not too bad.
This is why people move to So. Cal......Like the greeting card says...
The Weather is here!!
Wish you were great!
hehehe
I walked the palm canyon as a kid. I love the desert at dawn.
Mike
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jenzarina at 16:38 on 18 November 2009
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Mike, I loved how you went from the general of a desert day to the personal of the prospector's woman.
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M. Close at 17:21 on 18 November 2009
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Robin, I see what you mean. Have just done a rewrite. I think I like this one better.
Thanks for the pointers!
Mike
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 joanie at 20:00 on 18 November 2009
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Hi Mike. I like the images and the sentiments here, especially the final line - very poignant. One little niggle - it should be 'its' in both cases.
Great response, Mike; very enjoyable. I'd like to see it!
joanie
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Nella at 21:51 on 18 November 2009
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Excellent, Mike, I really like this re-write. It sounds - how should I say? - more - poetic It paints a beautiful picture of the desert and of the lonely state of the lone soul. Desert = existential loneliness.
I'm afraid Joanie's right about the "its" = possessive pronoun as opposed to the contraction of "it is".
(Now - what does this all tell us about Orange County high schools? Ours in Lake Arrowhead was probably worse - but I teach English now, so I have to know these things!)
Best,
Robin
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M. Close at 00:03 on 19 November 2009
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yeah Robin...When they call to sell me newspapers, I tell them I was educated in So. Cal. so I can't read....hehehe
Well, obviously, it's < -Used properly, thank you)) not that bad. I do appreciate the tips, pointers and help you all have so graciously given.
Joanie....seeing the desert at dawn is only half of it...there is a FEEL to it as well, the dry sharp intake of crisp morning air, the earthy smell, the chill on your skin.....along with the eye candy....there is nothing like it. Then it gets hotter then all get out and you run for the air conditioning and the iced tea
Fixed the 'its' by the way.
Mike
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Findy at 05:14 on 19 November 2009
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Lovely poem, great descriptions.
I was just wondering if you could change these lines,
| as grays fade to oranges then browns. |
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| Long shadows fade from gray to black |
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grey is the duller colour, and grey fading into orange and black somehow did not work for me, maybe someother word instead of fade...I thought of
but then brown comes after that... the line would have to be broken down then...not sure
and maybe
| long shadows darken from grey to black |
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or something like that
Just a couple of suggestions, feel free to chuck it, if you feel I am meddling too much
findy
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FelixBenson at 09:39 on 19 November 2009
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Oh one of these days I am going to HAVE to see that desert! Sounds amazing from your description:
| the dry sharp intake of crisp morning air, the earthy smell, the chill on your skin |
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And I love this phrase, Mike: | Then it gets hotter then all get out |
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. Brilliant.
It is dark as doom here in Edinburgh at 9.37am. Unlikely to get light at all. And chucking it down, with heavy rain forecast for the forseeable. Oh joy. We have all the lights on in the office. The nearest I can get to colours and heat is your poem, so I'll be desert-dreaming for the rest of the day at least! Thanks for that!
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 V`yonne at 13:29 on 21 November 2009
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The descriptions here are stunning. I particularly liked
Long shadows fade from gray to black,
their colors stolen by cold moon and endless stars. |
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I see how the existential loneliness of the prospector's wife adds a human factor but I would want to end on the lines above.
So suggestion only:
Grumblings of the prospector’s woman
fall on deaf ears as he happily snores,
waiting on the chill desert dawn.
Her drift toward dawn is lonely.
A rock tumbles from its precarious perch
as evening quickly cools after sun's retreat.
Long shadows fade from gray to black,
their colors stolen by cold moon and endless stars.
I know that kind of spoils your nice sequence through an entire day and I'm probably wrong.
Anyway, I like it and you could send it out.
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