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The Discovery

by Laurence 

Posted: 01 January 2010
Word Count: 800
Summary: Week 286 Challenge


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Christmas was not complete without a visit from Uncle Joe. He was a very large jolly man with a most infectious laugh. He had always been my favourite Uncle because of his wonderful stories and his eccentric manner. He arrived a little after three on Boxing Day.

'Sam, my boy I have a great surprise for you,' he said laughing out loud, ' I have a friend who runs a small shop on the other side of town. I have arranged to meet him. Fancy coming with me?'

'Why yes uncle, very much,' I said excitedly. I donned my scarf and coat with much fussing from my mother to be on my best behaviour; we stepped out into the cold afternoon air. The snow had stopped but there was a reasonable dusting to provide a magical wonderland. The journey passed quickly; Uncle regaled me with numerous stories. Suddenly we came to an abrupt halt and Uncle pointed to a small shop frontage where a man in a bright green coat and red muffler stood on the steps.

'Why bless my soul if it isn't Mr Pickwick?' bellowed Uncle.

'Gracious me it's Joe Snodgrass as I live and breathe.' The two men clapped each other on the backs and Mr Snodgrass retrieved a large key from his pocket and placed it into the lock. He flung back the door and bid us both enter.

'Welcome to the Old Curiosity Shop,' he said making a slight bow.

'Now young fellow why don't you take a look around the shop whilst your Uncle and I have a small winter warmer. I left the two adults perched on stools next to a table proudly displaying several decanters and numerous glasses. I could hear the clink of glasses and a cheery conversation as I wandered deeper into the shop. There were books of every size and description; tables and chairs which must have once decked the drawing rooms of rich benefactors; discarded toys and puzzles; and numerous other articles that should be in a museum. I was about to enter the back room when I noticed something sticking out from behind a stack of books. I bent down and gave it a slight tug; the books toppled over to reveal a very worn, sad one eyed donkey. I could see it had been loved very much and I wanted to give it a home. The conversation between the adults stopped when Mr Snodgrass saw what was in my hands.

'Bless my soul, whatever do you have there?' he enquired.

'A donkey,' I said.

'What do you want with that?' chimed in Uncle.

'Can I keep him?' I looked from my uncle to Mr Snodgrass.

The shop went very silent, they looked at each other and burst into laughter.

'Of course you may keep him if that's what you want,' said Mr Snodgrass.

'I think he's special.'

The two men had a further drink and then it was time to get back home. Mother was surprised to see the donkey but said I could keep him in my room but after Christmas she would give it a good wash. That night I placed the donkey with all my other toys.

I was awakened in the early hours of the morning from a very odd dream. I switched on my bedside light and looked towards the other toys but the donkey was missing. I jumped out of bed and looked around the room, it was nowhere to be found. I slipped out onto the landing and made my way down stairs. I opened the door to the parlour and gasped when I saw the donkey sitting near the fireplace. I picked it up and held it to my chest as I did so something rustled inside its stuffing. I moved across to the window where the street light was pouring in and carefully undid the stitching. I removed a small package. I placed the donkey on a chair and slowly undid the package. I discovered a small note and a little chocolate in gold foil and a red wrapper. The note read - 'Please help me. I am so very lonely and I fear for my life. Victoria.' I stared in disbelieve at the date and the address on the reverse side of the paper. It was our house. I did not see the small figure approaching me; an ice cold hand touched my shoulder, as I turned a young girl with a tear stained face looked at me.

'I knew you would come,' she whispered.

There was a noise on the stairs, the parlour door flung open a figure appeared brandishing a stick, the little girl ran for cover.

'Help me,' she cried, 'help me!'

The room went quiet. I was all alone clutching the donkey.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 16:16 on 02 January 2010  Report this post
Oh! Right! I think you started off with one story here and ended up with another and it turned a little too quickly for me from nice to horrible but it's a great idea. I think you need to establish some tension a little earlier to draw the reader in to the horror - make us anticipate that something is not quite what it seems about that shop or the man in it or the donkey. Say the man looked like a portrait in the house even though you'd never met him before... or that the donkey was singed... and the man was shifty about letting it go. I'd try to establish a few links and ramp up the tension but it's got the makings...

Laurence at 19:34 on 02 January 2010  Report this post
Thanks for your constructive comments Oonah , much appreciated. I think I was trying to do too much in the limit of the words! However I do see the point of building up the tension through the other characters. Like the idea of Mr Pickwick being in a portrait in the house - could work on that idea, appeals to me.

Laurence

V`yonne at 19:58 on 02 January 2010  Report this post
You can maybe condense the back story. Fewer words - more details that count. That's the secret of flash. Connections between the characters help a lot too.

Jumbo at 00:38 on 03 January 2010  Report this post
Laurence

I think you have a strong idea here - the girl/ghost(?) calling to your MC and using the donkey as that device.

But the difficulty with Flash is that restricted word count. This has the potential to become a much longer piece - but in just 800 words you have to make every one count, and for me the piece is out of balance - too much going on at the start and then taking far too long to reveal what the story is actually all about .

What if the story started at the point - I found the donkey in my uncle's shop (or something similar) thereby cutting straight to the action?

Just my opinion of course, to be discarded if you see fit.

But thanks for the read,

Regards

john

tusker at 07:32 on 03 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence,

I agree with the above suggestions.

I like the feel of the story, it had atmosphere and as John says, it could grow into a longer one.

As a flash, it needs pruning, but it could be a a good one to send off if you build the tension.

Why don't you try it in the 3rd person? See what it feels like. Put it aside for a day or two, a week even, and look at it again with fresh eyes.

Sometimes, I can't see the wood from the trees as they say, and with these weekly challenges, there's no time to do that but, if you want to send it off, you've got the time and us lot to look at it again.

Jennifer

Prospero at 08:18 on 03 January 2010  Report this post
I would agree, Lawrence with Oonah's comments. You have some great ideas here, especially in the second half of th e story. I would develop this more as a ghost story.

Best

John

Bianca at 12:07 on 03 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence

This is a wonderful story - which you could continue in many ways. I think you must go further with it. There is so much potential, especially with the characters. I hope you take it futher.

Shirley





Laurence at 19:55 on 04 January 2010  Report this post
Many thanks for the comments - I think I will take it further but will rest it for a while as suggested by Jennifer.

Laurence


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