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Driven by Design

by j.oreilly 

Posted: 06 January 2010
Word Count: 1940


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The arrival of judgement day didn’t come nearly quick enough as far as Susan Flint was concerned. The courtroom bench was hard and cold, the air thick with anticipation. The small side court was packed to the rafters, tabloid hacks jostling for space with sparring news reporters, the few remaining spaces filled by the curious, the nosey. She didn’t know any of them, and neither had her brother or his wife.
Her fiancé Carl spread himself comfortably, giving his precious camel coat its own seat, his face a picture of haughty disdain. ‘Gutter press’ he muttered with feigned disgust, angling himself strategically towards them. He’d practised in front of the mirror until his facial expression was perfect, knew just the right tilt of chin and lift of eyebrow to showcase his features. Ash blonde hair, side swept with a poker straight side parting, a straight, almost regal nose. He was handsome on first glance. Weak chinned and receding on the second. Arrogant to the last.
Susan was left with the choice of shoving her bag and gloves on the floor between her feet, or piling them up on her knee. With a quick glance at the floor, pasted with the dirt of a thousand feet, she dismissed that option, and manouvered herself awkwardly into the narrow space Carl had left her. There was little point in asking him to move up. He wouldn’t.
Pairing her black leather gloves, she tucked them neatly into the smart Mulberry handbag she held like a newborn baby on her lap. It had been a birthday present from her brother. The last birthday present from Sam, chosen with great care by his wife Ellie. She knew that’s how it would have been, because she knew them. She knew exactly the face he would have pulled as his wife, whom he adored, dragged him round a dozen shops until she found exactly what she was looking for. How he would have rolled his deep brown eyes, stroked her neat blonde hair, and complained about the cost, then selected the matching purse himself.
‘I wish you had worn something else’ Carl had switched his attention from the pushing journalists, their corduroy jackets a swelling sea of green and brown, back to her. Despite his best efforts, he had failed to make eye contact with any of them, and he bristled with irritation, blue eyes narrowing sharply. ‘That suit makes you look cheap. And it won’t photograph well.’ As anyone who understood image would know, Carl thought. With five years as a marketing executive under his belt, he understood image completely. It clearly eluded Susan, but he had to be cruel to be kind. It was the only way she would learn.
Susan shrank back into her seat, crushed by the verbal slap, eyes darting left and right, snapping with nerves. Did it really look that awful? She hoped to god no-one else had noticed. She’d followed his rules, worn the low kitten heeled shoes she knew Carl preferred, even though they made her feel heavy and frumpy, kept her makeup to a minimum to please him, then messed the whole thing up with her choice of clothes. The waspish deep purple skirt suit had been her first project, the first step on the road towards her fashion degree. Her tutor had praised it, the design inspirational and feminine. She’d been so proud, she’d almost burst.
Starting the course at twenty four, several years older than most of her peers, with a bag already half full of life experience, she’d been the rank outsider. Fought tooth and nail for the place, her portfolio a mishmash of rough sketches. With no formal training, she wasn’t even sure she could draw.
But the raw talent, the keen eye for design, and her obvious talents with a needle and thread had won her a much coveted place at St Martins. Fashion had been her life, her dream, ever since the day she’d been given her first Barbie and made a capsule wardrobe out of the discarded wrapping paper.
There had been a brief flirtation with the modelling world in her late teens, but three seasons in Milan had left her bruised and jaded. Too young, too far away from home, and utterly naïve, her self confidence had crumbled under the pressure of endless castings, endless criticism from photographers, constant groping by businessmen who thought that sex was part of the job description.
But whilst the relationship with fashion had ended, her love affair with fabric, with design had endured. The sharp suit, with its bold colour and nipped in waist, had always made her feel a ten on the scale. Classic with a twist, her signature style.
Right now, she felt like a minus fifty, and held her mulberry close, hiding behind it. And wondered, not for the first time, why he hadn’t told her she looked awful before they left the house. Somewhere, in the deepest recesses of her soul, a tiny voice whispered that he was a bully. She did her best to ignore it, but it had been getting more and more persistent since Sam had died.
‘Excuse me, excuse me!’ At the far end of the bench, knees were moved aside and feet tucked in tidily, as a familiar figure pushed past, clutching a rolled up newspaper in one hand, a battered attaché case in the other. ‘Susan, so nice to see you!’ he greeted Susan cheerfully, wheezing with the exertion of a last minute rush. Wedging his ample behind between them, he sat down firmly on Carls coat. ‘Sorry!’ he said, resting the attaché case on his knees and dialing in the code on the tiny brass wheels. ‘Bit of a squash, isn’t it?’ If he noticed Carls furious expression, he didn’t acknowledge it, reaching into his case and rescuing a half eaten bacon bap.
Dennis Clarke was a highly intelligent man, with a Mensa level IQ that he disguised with poor manners and daily reading of the Sun. Nothing escaped him. He worked legal aid cases regularly, as part of varied caseload that covered everything from common assault to high stake divorces. He had, in nearly thirty years of practising law, met every possible type of scumbag and heard every excuse that the English language could be used to create.
He had disliked Carl on sight and his opinion hadn’t changed. Not that he was particularly interested in anything Carl might wish to contribute. Susan was his client, after all, her slime ball fiancé an unfortunate fly, buzzing at the periphery, easily swatted away. Why a woman like him would have any interest in a man like that was beyond him, but dealing with the inevitable divorces of such couplings had paid his mortgage several times over. So he couldn’t complain.
‘Dennis.’ Carl acknowledged him with a barely noticeable nod of the head, his mouth hard, watching as the solicitor took a hefty bite from his sandwich and chewed loudly, then turning away, disgusted. A fact that wasn’t lost on three eagle eyed journalists in the front row of the benches opposite, who scribbled on spiral bound notebooks with rapid fire shorthand. Recorders would be brought out as soon as the judge began to speak, but not all noteworthy communication was auditory. Much, much more was said with a shrug of the shoulders, a victorious balling of the fist, a grim smile.
‘So, Susan. Our big day, today’ Dennis said through a mouthful of white bread and bacon, patting her on the knee with greasy fingers. She nodded, trying to ignore the smell wafting across. She’d skipped breakfast again, she realised, as hunger rattled around her empty insides. Rooting around inside her bag, she found a solitary mint, unwrapped it and began to suck. It wasn’t much, but it would have to do. Between her jumpy stomach, and her niece and nephew, Rosie and Jamie, she’d missed the window of opportunity for food that morning.
Carl, naturally, had enjoyed a relaxing read of the Telegraph, complete with toast, marmalade, and two cups of freshly brewed coffee. Susan had swigged ice cold apple juice straight from the carton on her way out the door, no time for anything else. Carl hadn’t helped her with the children. As he frequently pointed out, they weren’t his children, and there was no point in forming any sort of a relationship with them. It was in everyones best interests to remain distant, unattached, so that the children could make the transition more easily when a more appropriate home was found.
He hadn’t said foster care, but Susan wasn’t stupid. He acted like a pedigree dog breeder faced with a litter of mongrel puppies. Her niece and nephew were annoying, destructive, expensive, and best rehomed as soon as possible. Someone else’s responsibility. It hurt her, slashed her heart with cuts that wouldn’t heal and were getting increasingly difficult to ignore.
Rosie and Jamie were all that was left of Sam and Ellie, their legacy, a living, breathing part of them, and Susan was determined to hold on to them with every sinew of her being. Every day she was with them, the need to protect them, to care for them, to build family grew ever stronger.
‘I’m feeling extremely confident’ Dennis continued, finishing the sandwich, slapping the case lid shut and burping into his hand. Fishing a monogrammed cotton handkerchief out of his pocket, he wiped first his fingers, then his extensive forehead. ‘Judge Warren is an extremely reasonable woman. She will ensure that you are taken care of. I’ve had dealings with her in the past. She’s a rare breed, one of the few who is still a human being underneath the wig and gown.’
‘So you think she’ll rule death by dangerous driving?’ Susan turned to him, her dark eyes bright with hope. It was barely a case at all by his standards, not yet, anyway, but with one flash of that pretty smile he’d been helpless to turn her away.
‘It’s my opinion that she will. The coroner confirmed that Gianfranco Carducci was driving under the influence. The evidence is there is black and white. It’s indisputable.’ Drumming fat fingers on the top of his attaché case, he stared thoughtfully at the empty judges chair. With his predicted verdict delivered, the opportunity to sue Carducci motors would present itself. In him opinion, it wasn’t a matter of if he could make them pay, but how much, which presented a delightful challenge.
There would also be the added bonus of a legalised pry into the Carducci family, and whilst Dennis prided himself on having a fine legal mind, he was also a gossip. Nothing excited him more than dragging the skeletons out of the closet, particularly if those closets belonged to a deeply private, wealthy family. Reputation destruction was his forte.
The playboy younger son, Alessandro, who had disappeared to Europe in his late teens, did not offer much. Deflowering socialites, drinking rivers of champagne and driving fast cars too fast was nothing new. The eldest son, Gianfranco, had taken the academic route through several universities and into the family business, before killing himself and his passengers, Susans brother and his wife, in a drunken smash. There might be some mileage there, Dennis thought to himself. But his real target would be Arda Carducci. Rumours of endless affairs, of fraud, of twisting, turning, and using those around her to get whatever she wanted had circulated for years. Nothing had stuck. But he could make it, Dennis smiled to himself. And he would enjoy applying every single drop of glue.






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Comments by other Members



susieangela at 09:39 on 07 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Jane (and welcome to WF),
Just had a quick read and found this very engaging - the writing flowed, there was a sense of 'heart' in it and the characters were drawn really well. I liked the way you introduced us to the situation at this point in the story. And I found it interesting - it really held my attention. I liked your use of language, and the little details which really heightened the characterisation - eg Carl taking a whole seat for his coat, and Dennis squashing it. And I was instantly pulled into the fashion part of the story. I think you've got an excellent opening here.
A few points:
You move through three different points of view during the scene - beginning with Susan's, then briefly into Carl's, then into Dennis's. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but for a reader in the opening chapter it might be a bit confusing. The reader probably wants to identify with one character from the start - and I guess that character will be Susan - so it might be worth staying in her POV for the opening chapter and revealing the information in the other character's heads through dialogue, or even giving them a separate POV scene later, if that's something you plan to continue doing throughout the novel.
I also felt that the last para, in Dennis's POV, felt to be full of information. All good information, but perhaps it comes a little early in the novel to be giving it in one big lump. Again, perhaps taking some of it into dialogue might be good.
I felt there was a bit of a danger of Susan coming across as too passive at the beginning. Carl seems SUCH a shit and it feels odd that she would put up with the things he says and does. She had the spirit to train as a fashion designer and it's her passion, yet she accepts Carl's opinion of her outfit as 'cheap' as if he knows better. I understand that she's had her confidence broken, but I think she'd probably retaliate about something she feels so passionate about? And if he's like this all the time, why is she engaged to him? (I have the same problem myself with my last novel, where the husband is an arrogant, unpleasant man and I still haven't solved it!) I warmed to her when she takes on her brother's children and is determined to fight for them. It's that heart, spirit and determination that define her as someone I want to find out more about, as a reader.
Hope this is helpful. I really enjoyed reading this.
Susiex


saturday at 12:30 on 07 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Jane, I think you write really well. You have a strong, clear voice that bowls along very smartly even though there is a lot of back-story, carrying the reader along with it.


There were only a couple of things that tripped me up:
packed to the rafters

Your writing feels very fresh, so it was a shame that you had such a tired expression right at the beginning - it undersells what you can do.

giving his precious camel coat its own seat,

I really liked this, it made me smile with recognition

Hell, I'm going to have to run, something's just come up. I'll try to get back to it later but the big thing I wanted to say was that I was puzzled - why is Susan putting up with Carl? He doesn't seem to have any redeeming features and if she is good-looking enough to have modelled in Milan and talented enough to have done well at St Martin's and loved by her brother and his family - why is she still with him?

Ooh, and was the bacon bap over-egging Denis's uncouthness?

Don't want to sound negative because I thought it had loads of potential and it's just that I'm rushing!


j.oreilly at 13:13 on 07 January 2010  Report this post
Thanks for the comments, much appreciated - I will put a bit more later, but re the Carl situation - by the end of the first chapter she's shot of him, and the question of what on earth she ever saw in him in the first place does crop up several times further on. I suppose the best way to explain it (which is the conclusion that Susan comes to eventually) is that he caught her at a weak moment coming out of other (yet unexplained) circumstances. I wanted to give her this relationship experience because it drives certain things that she does later, but will definitely be looking at this part again

RT104 at 15:29 on 07 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Jane,

Glad to see you taking the plunge and uploading. I’ll jump in with a crit, if that’s OK. First I’ve gone through and made some micro-level textual comments, and then I’ve attempted a bit of an overview. It’s all entirely subjective and probably nonsense, so do take it all with a huge pinch of salt. And the textual comments are what occurred to me as I went along – so are very stream-of-consciousness. Apologies for that!

I’m not 100% convinced by your opening sentence. Not sure why. I think maybe the phrase ‘didn’t come quick enough’ feels odd because it is so much like the more usual ‘couldn’t come quick enough’.

[quote]The courtroom bench was hard and cold, the air thick with anticipation.[/quote]
I like this sentence.

[quote]The small side court was packed to the rafters, tabloid hacks jostling for space with sparring news reporters…[/quote]
I’d delete ‘sparring’ – the sentence feels overloaded with one too many present participles.

[quote]She didn’t know any of them, and neither had her brother or his wife.[/quote]
Typo? Should be ‘neither did’, I think.

[quote]‘Gutter press’ he muttered[/quote]
Needs a comma after ‘press’.

[quote]He’d practised in front of the mirror until his facial expression was perfect, knew just the right tilt of chin and lift of eyebrow to showcase his features.[/quote]
For me, this represented a possible viewpoint slip. We are in Susan’s POPV, but here we are let into what appears to be his knowledge – that he has practise this. It feels as if we are in his head for a moment – looking at his reflected image with his own eyes.

[quote]Ash blonde hair, side swept with a poker straight side parting, a straight, almost regal nose. He was handsome on first glance. Weak chinned and receding on the second.[/quote]
I am always put off by detailed physical description of characters so early in a book. It’s probably just a personal thing. But it’s also a viewpoint issue again. Is Susan, at this point sitting there in the courtroom, analyzing her fiancé’s looks? If so, then it fits. If not, then I’d ditch it. She KNOWS what he looks like – why should she be reviewing his whole appearance now? Isn’t she more likely to notice one tiny detail about him than go through this global description?

[quote]Arrogant to the last.[/quote]
I liked this, though! This feels strongly back in Susan’s voice – which is good.

[quote]maneuvered[/quote]
Spelling – ‘manoeuvred’.

[quote]There was little point in asking him to move up. He wouldn’t.[/quote]
Nice!

[quote]Pairing her black leather gloves, she tucked them neatly into the smart Mulberry handbag she held like a newborn baby on her lap. It had been a birthday present from her brother. The last birthday present from Sam, chosen with great care by his wife Ellie. She knew that’s how it would have been, because she knew them. She knew exactly the face he would have pulled as his wife, whom he adored, dragged him round a dozen shops until she found exactly what she was looking for. How he would have rolled his deep brown eyes, stroked her neat blonde hair, and complained about the cost, then selected the matching purse himself.[/quote]
If you don’t mind my saying so, I think this passage had a slight feel of ‘information dumping’. In other words, it felt less like a natural way for her thoughts to be roving as she looks at the handbag and more like an attempt to tell the reader (i) the names of her family members and (ii) the nature of their relationship and (iii) their eye/hair colour. I think you need to be subtle about dripping in background information like this only in teeny bits, and finding places where it can be done more naturally. And later, too. We hardly know Susan yet, so taking in details about her family (not even present in the scene) feels like a distraction. Consolidate Susan for us first, would be my advice.

[quote]‘I wish you had worn something else’[/quote]
Full-stop missing after ‘else’.

[quote]Carl had switched his attention from the pushing journalists, their corduroy jackets a swelling sea of green and brown, back to her.[/quote]
This sentence reads a little awkwardly to me. Maybe slot in an ‘and’ before ‘back to her’? Just for the flow and sense of it.

[quote]Despite his best efforts, he had failed to make eye contact with any of them[/quote
Possible viewpoint slip again. This feels to me as if we are in Carl’s head, not Susan’s.

[quote]As anyone who understood image would know, Carl thought. With five years as a marketing executive under his belt, he understood image completely. It clearly eluded Susan, but he had to be cruel to be kind. It was the only way she would learn.[/quote]
OK, now we are DEFINITELY in Carl’s POV. If you are choosing deliberately to write the scene from more than one POV, then you need to be aware of what you are doing, and also that it is an unusual decision, and one which is hard to pull off. It is much more usual to write a scene in the closed POV of one of the characters (and you began in Susan’s, so why not stick with that?) – or, if you are going to switch viewpoints, to signal this very clearly and to do it for a particular reason and for a particular effect. The problem with using multiple POVs is that it is harder to engage the reader with the feelings of any particular character. We are much more used, in contemporary fiction, to experiencing a scene through the eyes of one person, feeling that one person’s responses. It’s something to give some serious thought to, I think, in terms of the way you choose to write the book.

[quote]Susan shrank back into her seat, crushed by the verbal slap[/quote]
(Now we are back in Susan’s POV.),

‘god’ normally has a capital G.

[quote]kitten heeled[/quote]
Maybe hyphenated?

[quote]makeup[/quote]
Isn’t it ‘make-up’?

[quote]The waspish deep purple skirt suit[/quote]
It’s normal to separate two or more adjectives with a comma: ‘the waspish, deep purple skirt’.

[quote]the first step on the road towards her fashion degree….. starting the course at twenty four….[/quote]
A slight feel of ‘information dumping’ here, again, perhaps? (See above.)

[quote]Fought tooth and nail for the place, her portfolio a mishmash of rough sketches.[/quote]
Something strange about this sentence – two clauses, unconnected, and neither one of them contains a verb. Needs re-working, I think.

[quote]But the raw talent, the keen eye for design, and her obvious talents[quote]
Repetititon of talent/talents.

[quote]There had been a brief flirtation with the modelling world in her late teens, but three seasons in Milan had left her bruised and jaded.[/quote]

Again, a feel of information dumping here. Do we need so much back story so soon. You risk losing the readers attention when what we really want to know is, WHAT IS SHE DOING IN THE COURTROOM? Try to get some action moving a bit before you fill us in on her fiancé and family, education and career history.

[quote]her love affair with fabric, with design had endured.[/quote]
Comma missing after ‘design’.

[quote]nipped in[/quote]
Hyphenate, I think.

[quote]Right now, she felt like a minus fifty[/quote
Nice. Humour, and a nice, strong feel of Susan’s voice. More like this would be good!

[quote]held her mulberry close[/quote]
Capital ‘M’, I think. It’s a brand name - and you used a capital before.

[quote]Somewhere, in the deepest recesses of her soul, a tiny voice whispered that he was a bully.[/quote
This made me smile. He is so OBVIOUSLY a bully!! But it’s kind of sweet that Susan hardly dares let herself admit the thought…

[quote]since Sam had died.[/quote]
Oh blimey, another name, more background information to take in. But this but, I sense IS going to be important…

[quote]‘Excuse me, excuse me!’[/quote]
Excellent – some action at last! I think, personally, you’d be better to move this much further up, ahead of all that general background about Susan.

[quote]behind between[/quote]
I’d get rid of this juxtaposition, personally. It feels awkward. You could call it his ‘backside’ instead?

[quote]Carls coat[/quote]
Needs an apostrophe.

[quote]Carls furious expression[/quote]
Another apostrophe needed

[quote]half eaten[/quote]
Hyphenated.

[quote]Dennis Clarke was a highly intelligent man, with a Mensa level IQ that he disguised with poor manners and daily reading of the Sun. Nothing escaped him. He worked legal aid cases regularly, as part of varied caseload that covered everything from common assault to high stake divorces. He had, in nearly thirty years of practising law, met every possible type of scumbag and heard every excuse that the English language could be used to create.[/quote]
In this passage you have slipped into Dennis’s POV. You are telling us things only he knows, and even using elements of his voice (e.g. ‘scumbag’). See my earlier comments about how difficult it is to write effectively in multiple viewpoints like this.
(And ‘Mensa level’ should be hyphenated.)

[quote]slime ball[/quote]
All one word, maybe? ‘Slimeball’?

[quote]a woman like him[/quote]
A woman like her!

[quote]‘Dennis.’ Carl acknowledged him with a barely noticeable nod of the head, his mouth hard, watching as the solicitor took a hefty bite from his sandwich and chewed loudly, then turning away, disgusted.[/quote]
Here we are back in Carl’s POV – we see him watching and feel his disgust.

[quote]eagle eyed[/quote
Hyphenated.

[quote]spiral bound[/quote]
Hyphentaed.

[quote]rapid fire [/quote]
Also possibly hyphenated? Not sure about this one, though!


[quote]not all noteworthy communication was auditory. Much, much more was said with a shrug of the shoulders, a victorious balling of the fist, a grim smile.[/quote
I have no idea at all whose POV this comment is from. Is one of the characters thinking it – and indeed, looking at the eagle-eyed journos as they do their scribbling? Or is this just authorial comment? If so, it s again something which is very unfashionable theses days – though Dickens, for example, used it a lot!

[quote]‘So, Susan. Our big day, today’ Dennis said[/quote]
Comma missing after ‘today’.

[quote]She nodded, trying to ignore the smell wafting across. She’d skipped breakfast again, she realised, as hunger rattled around her empty insides….[/quote]
Back in Susan’s POV here.

[quote]her niece and nephew, Rosie and Jamie[/quote]
More names, more information. Do we really need to know about them at this point?

[quote]As he frequently pointed out, they weren’t his children, and there was no point in forming any sort of a relationship with them.[/quote]
Eek! What a b*stard!!!

[quote]everyones[/quote
Missing apostrophe.

[quote]Her niece and nephew were annoying, destructive, expensive, and best rehomed as soon as possible. Someone else’s responsibility.[/quote]
Great stuff. This relaying, through Susan’s POV, of Carl’s opinion is really hard-hitting. What an utter b*astrd he is!

[quote]It hurt her, slashed her heart with cuts that wouldn’t heal[/quote]
This, though, I found a little … I don’t know. Maybe overdone, maybe a little cliché’d/overused in terms of the imagery. Maybe you can ditch the sentence completely? I absolutely felt the way his words must cut her when I read them. Maybe let them stand alone – let us feel her hurt without having it spelt out? Or just state it far more simply a d straight-forwardly and not in these purple terms. Less can be more with things like this.

[quote]with every sinew of her being[/quote]
Another slight cliché? I think the sentence is powerful enough with out, myself.

[quote]Every day she was with them, the need to protect them, to care for them, to build family grew ever stronger.[/quote]
I don’t much like that ‘ever’ in the same sentence as ‘every’ - just for the repetitive/similar sound.

[quote]‘I’m feeling extremely confident’ Dennis continued[/quote]
Comma after ‘confident’.

[quote]but with one flash of that pretty smile he’d been helpless to turn her away.[/quote]W
Here we are back in Dennis’s POV.

[quote]‘It’s my opinion that she will. The coroner confirmed that Gianfranco Carducci was driving under the influence…’[/quote]
This is an ‘as you know, Bob’ moments – i.e. where someone spells out to someone else in dialogue something they already know, entirely for the sake of the reader. He wouldn’t say the full name of the accused here, would he? She already knows it. So it’s just fro our benefit, and hence feels unnatural.

[quote]In him opinion[/quote]
Typo – in his opinion.

[quote]The playboy younger son, Alessandro, who had disappeared to Europe in his late teens…[/quote]
This feels like another information dump.

[quote]Susans brother[/quote]
Needs an apostrophe.

[quote]his real target would be Arda Carducci. Rumours of endless affairs, of fraud, of twisting, turning, and using those around her to get whatever she wanted had circulated for years. Nothing had stuck.[/quote]
Another name, more back story detail.

[quote]Dennis smiled to himself. And he would enjoy applying every single drop of glue.[/quote]
Nice final line for the chapter. You are also ending on a bit of a ‘hook’, which is good.

OK… some overall thoughts. I can see, by the end, that some basic background on Sam and Ellie’s death, and Rosie and Jamie, and Carl’s attitude towards them, are all essential to your set-up. Given that, I would try to keep all the other bits of background information and back story to a minimum so that the reader has a chance to hang on to what is central. I’d skip the fashion degree and time in Milan for a later chapter. (I'm guessing by the book's title that it will be important - but I think you can relax - there's no nee to get everything into the very first chapter!) I’d even consider talking out the details about who the drunk driver was, and Dennis’s desire to discredit the Carducci family, for another chapter – even though as it stands that does provide a hook for the end of the chapter. What I would do in this chapter is stick to Susan’s POV throughout, so that we can engage with her more closely, and focus on the trial, her wait for the verdict – get in a sense of what the trial is all about much sooner to grab our attention – and also her concern for the future of Rosie and Jamie. The most hard-hitting part of the chapter, for me, is where she is thinking about Carl’s attitude to the children. This is plenty of hook for a first chapter. The rest I’d ship out for a later chapter.

I hope you won’t take offence at all my quibbles and criticisms. And do please realise that it is all just a personal view and probably rubbish!

Rosy x



<Added>

Damn - why haven't my quotey things worked? Sorry about that!

<Added>

God, I feel like I've been really mean, now. And I haven't said, that I think Susan (and also Dennis, actually, even though we've only had him in snippets) has a nice strong, distinctive voice. If you stick to one viewpoint at a time you should find you have scope to develop its strength more - get more into the workings of Susan's mind and the cadences of her thought patterns.

I also should say, I left in all my identifications of POV changes, just in case you aren't very familiar with how POV works and weren't sure about where it happens. But if you know all that already, then I apologise profusely for stating what you may think is the bleedin' obvious!

j.oreilly at 11:26 on 08 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Rosy

thanks for your comments, much appreciated. I am aware some of the grammar is off, haven't written in a very very long time (not since I did my English language A-level exam, which I went into completely unprepared after our tutor declared that creative writing couldn't be taught, therefore we weren't going to do any. At all. Though thats a whole other story)

there are two main points which I've picked up from this, the first is that there is just too much squeezed into to small a space, I'm so keen to get the facts out and on paper that I am sticking them in unnecessarily and need to drip feed them instead (in fact I have vague recollections of this comment cropping up when I did creative writing at school)

the second is the thing about POV, I re-read some of what i've written this week and you are right, the writing is flaky and does tend to jump about all over the place, I hadn't even realised I was doing it, so thats been really helpful, and I think will help me to get a more focussed angle. It's something I will be thinking about when I am reading from now on, looking at the use of POV, up til now I've mostly been concentrating on vocabulary and how speech is structured.

thank you for taking the time to read and comment, I have not shown my writing to anyone up to this point, and only my husband knows about it!

Jane

RT104 at 12:16 on 08 January 2010  Report this post
Oh, good, I'm so glad you're not annoyed, Jane. I thought afterwards that I shouldn't have gone into all that detail at all - in fact I should just have stuck to writing more or less exactly what you so elegantly summarised in your reply to me! But then, sometimes the micro-level stiff about the writing can hep, too... Anyway, I look forward to reading more of this story in due course.

R x


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