Login   Sign Up 



 

The Murder of Mr Ackroyd 2

by sredni 

Posted: 21 January 2010
Word Count: 862
Summary: This is a second go. The first chapter is the same as before, but I've kept it on to see if people think that it goes with the new second chapter. I suspect that I'm getting into 'pov hell', something that I didn't even know existed until a week ago!


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


1
The body was lying half on the grass and half on the concrete path. Even though it was face down Archie could tell immediately that it was Mr Ackroyd from his messy mop of grey hair and his green tweed suit. And although he could not see them, he knew that underneath he would be wearing a yellow waistcoat and a brightly coloured bow-tie, because that was what he always wore.
He also knew that he was dead.
The body was unnaturally still, and twisted uncomfortably, as if it had been reaching out for something. Archie stood transfixed, not knowing what to do. Part of him wanted to rush forward to help, even though he knew that there was nothing he could do; and part of him was so repulsed and sick that he wanted to turn away, to run away even. In the end he just stood there, open-mouthed and stupid.
The rest of the school were still in chapel. Normally Archie would have been with them, but this morning he was on his way to an exam, an important exam, so he had been excused. As he stood there, staring dumbly at Ackroyd’s body, he heard the sound of footsteps coming round the corner. Then he heard the footsteps stop suddenly, and then after a pause, they hurried to where he was.
“What the¬¬-”. It was Mr Underwood. “What…” he spluttered, not knowing what to say and seeming to be gripped by panic and indecision. Then something seemed to click into place in his brain. “Stay here Hodgson,” he barked, and then he ran off towards the chapel to get help and to stop the rest of the school coming out.
And then it was just Archie and Mr Ackroyd again.
A gentle breeze wafted through the quad, giving this horrific scene a strange sense of calm for a moment. Weirdly, Archie’s thoughts turned to his exam. He had thought of little else for the last month. But if Ackers was dead, he thought, it would probably be cancelled. For a brief moment, there was the slightest flicker of a smile on his face.

2
Inside the chapel, the organ was blaring out the opening bars of the morning hymn. The chapel was full, and from his seat in the choir stalls at the front, Rory Goode could survey the whole scene. His mind wasn’t really on the hymn that he was about to sing. In fact, he had only just arrived on time this morning, and Mr Deedes the choir-master had shot him an angry glance as he took his place right at the last minute, squeezing clumsily past the others on his row. Rory often seemed to be late these days.
The hymn began and Rory’s mouth moved mechanically, barely keeping time to the music, as his mind wandered around the chapel. For a brief moment he tried to catch the eye of his Dad, who was sitting in the centre of the back-row, but his Dad seemed to be completely caught up in the hymn, belting it out as loudly as he could. As Deputy Head he was always concerned to lead by example in everything that he did at St Williams. Rory sighed. This was the whole problem.
Suddenly Rory became aware that Deedes was looking at him, and he tried to show a bit more enthusiasm for what he was supposed to be singing. Then he glanced again towards the back of the chapel, surprised to suddenly notice that his Dad had stopped singing, and had moved towards the door. Rory assumed that someone was trying to sneak in late, about to be punished by the all-seeing deputy. But it was Mr Underwood. This was odd. Rory had never seen Underwood in the chapel before, and the caretaker looked a little out of place and uneasy.
Rory watched closely as Underwood frantically tried to communicate something with his Dad, but was clearly struggling against the unrelenting din of the organ. Rory knew that his Dad would be annoyed. He loved routine, and expected everything at St Williams to work perfectly so this sort of interruption could put him in a bad mood for a week. Rory hoped that it was something important, for Underwood’s sake.
But even from the front of the chapel, Rory could see the change on his Dad’s face. For a moment he went pale, with a look of complete disbelief in his eyes. Then his mouth tightened with tension, or maybe concentration. He glanced around quickly, but looked at nobody in particular, then he said something to Underwood and the two men walked straight out of the door.
Nobody else in the chapel appeared to have noticed that anything was wrong. Almost everyone in the chapel had their backs to Underwood and Mr Goode, and the choir were completely focused on Mr Deedes. But Rory knew that something was seriously wrong. It had to be Archie.
Without looking back at Mr Deedes he put down his hymn-book, pushed his way past the others in his row, and headed out of the side-door of the chapel as quickly as he could.






Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



LizM at 13:09 on 22 January 2010  Report this post
Hi and a belated welcome, hope you're enjoying being in the group!

I missed your first posting so am not sure what's changed but hope the following comments are helpful.

Overall I thought the two chapters were intriguing and that the shift in pov between them worked well, an inside and outside of the chapel view if you like. The fact that [It had to be Archie.]
is towards the end of the second passage brings the two main characters together well.

I felt that there were times where you use short sentences very effectively:

[He also knew that he was dead.] [This was the whole problem.] and the one previously mentioned.
I thought they slowed the pace and gave the reader a clue as to how events might unfold and who is at the centre of them.

But there were also places which I thought were too wordy.

[A gentle breeze wafted through the quad, giving this horrific scene a strange sense of calm for a moment. Weirdly, Archie’s thoughts turned to his exam. He had thought of little else for the last month. But if Ackers was dead, he thought, it would probably be cancelled. For a brief moment, there was the slightest flicker of a smile on his face.]

Might work better as [A gentle breeze wafted through the quad, giving the scene a sense of calm. Archie’s thoughts turned to his exam. He had thought of little else for the last month. But if Ackers was dead,it would probably be cancelled. There was the slightest flicker of a smile on his face.

There were other places I thought you could edit to make it more punchy but I hope you get my drift from that. It's just that some things are obvious and possibly not needed e.g "horrific"

Finally just a couple of physical impossibilities!

[Then he heard the footsteps stop suddenly, and then after a pause, they hurried to where he was.]

The footsteps sound a bit disembodied. How about [Then he heard the footsteps stop suddenly, then after a pause, the footsteps quickened and Mr Underwood turned the corner]

[ his mind wandered around the chapel.] Again I'd cut the last three words.

Hope that's useful, obviously you pick and choose which bits (if any!) to think about. I've read this very much as a "reader", I think there will be others in the group who have more experience from a writing perspective. But I did enjoy it and thought you had some interesting characters there so look forward to seeing it develop.






<Added>

Naomi gave me helpful comments as to how to highlight and box quotes and I obviously didn't read them properly as you can see my efforts have failed! Sorry about that, I'll go back and read her advice again! :) but I can do the smiley faces now anyway!

LizM at 13:14 on 22 January 2010  Report this post
And after that smiley face boast, that didn't work either!

Freebird at 14:14 on 22 January 2010  Report this post
just a quick peek is enough to see that you've done a great job with this. I like the fact that the second pov is another boy, and you've succeeded in capturing things from his viewpoint. I guess he's going to be another major character, which somehow fits better in a children's book than having an adult pov.

Still wrestling with this stuff myself, so it has been really helpful to see how you've dealt with it. Thank you

freebird

Issy at 19:26 on 22 January 2010  Report this post
Oh yes, this works wonderfully, far better than the previous second chapter and we've got all the necessary detail. Also the second character is interesting in himself.

Nothing more to say, really except looking forward to the next.

Account Closed at 14:29 on 23 January 2010  Report this post
I haven't seen the first version so apologies if my comments are not as helpful, but I really enjoyed this! It had a slight "Curious Incident" feel to it, in a good way.

I definitely want to find out more - a fab punchy start in an intriguing context. Nothing like a good murder to set your mind buzzing.

One thing I was puzzled by - "But Rory knew that something was seriously wrong. It had to be Archie." why did it have to be Archie? How does he know Archie is involved? Or is this something we're going to find out later?

Also I think the convention is usually to use a lower case D for "my dad" and only use an uppercase when addressing someone directly - happy to be corrected on this though if I'm wrong!


NMott at 15:08 on 23 January 2010  Report this post
Very good.


but his Dad seemed to be completely caught up in the hymn, belting it out as loudly as he could. As Deputy Head he was always concerned to lead by example in everything that he did at St Williams. Rory sighed. This was the whole problem.


I read this as Rory beng the Deputy Head, rather than his Dad - his Dad being just a parent, maybe invited to attend the first day of Term - so something to clarify.

surprised to suddenly notice


You don't need both. Delete 'suddenly'.


I thought the pov worked in the second chapter. You now have 2 main characters, Archie and Rory. Is that your intention?


- NaomiM

<Added>

Liz, you need to type the word quote inside the square brackets, rather than place the text inside them.

eg:

surprised to suddenly notice


is:

[ quote ]surprised to suddenly notice[/ quote ]

LizM at 17:34 on 23 January 2010  Report this post
Ahh, mystery solved! Thanks Naomi

Freebird at 18:34 on 23 January 2010  Report this post
Yikes, that shows I didn't read it properly at ALL! Sorry - it was just a skim. I thought Roy was a boy. Slap wrists for me

freebird

sredni at 19:16 on 23 January 2010  Report this post
So Rory is a boy. His dad is the deputy. This needs to be communicated more elegantly, I think.

The plan is to have Archie and Rory as the two main characters.I'll wait a bit before putting any more up, as I need to work a few things out for myself.

In the meantime, thanks for all of your help. I will try to reciprocate, although weirdly I am more nervous about commenting on other people's work than I am about posting up my own! Is this common for new members?



Issy at 20:25 on 23 January 2010  Report this post
Yes, I think it is, but we all take criticism well in this group, and will value what you say. It's fine, even if we don't agree, because the writer needs to answer the questions raised which in turn deepens his or her work.

So please do feel free to say whatever you want to.

LizM at 23:05 on 23 January 2010  Report this post
Yes, I've definitely felt more nervous about commenting on others' work. For me that is about being new and not feeling very experienced about critiquing work especially when it's not a familiar genre. It feels important to get it right for people but this is a very friendly and constructive group and I think it will probably get easier!

NMott at 23:37 on 23 January 2010  Report this post
Yes, it's perfectly normal to be nervous about critiquing work. Sometimes it helps to pick up 3 things you liked and 3 things you thought could be improved - even if it's only a few typos.
It's a skill that comes with practice, and is a very useful way of training your own gut instinct so you can spot those same mistakes in your own work.


- NaomiM

Issy at 02:23 on 24 January 2010  Report this post
Could I just add that nobody need take your advice is they don't agree with it, the responsibility is always with the writer.

And we don't all agree anyway. Next person to comment may say the reverse, then we have to really make up our minds!

Nevertheless, it is always helpful to have a comment as it makes us think.

And it's just as important too, to only take on board comments that you relate to, that work for you, or niggle at you or somehow stay in the mind and question you.

Looking forward to the next chapter. Very courageous to just cut the original chapter 2. Not easy.




ShellyH at 16:18 on 25 January 2010  Report this post
Hi, I thought chapter two worked much better. It's a good idea having this chapter away from the action and writing it from a different viewpoint. It works well and your writing is really good. Looking forward to more.

Shelly

belka37 at 11:41 on 30 January 2010  Report this post
Hello Sredni,
I really enjoyed the way this piece flows. There could be a few issues about sentence length or construction but I think now is too early to worry about them. I'd suggest you get your story out first - and leave the niceties (grammar, punctuation, sequence and such) for your revision when you've completed the whole ms.
Congratulations on creating such a readable and intriguing start. You have me hooked.
All the best
Mabel K


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .

 






Other work by sredni:      ...view all work by sredni