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night airs

by M. Close 

Posted: 30 January 2010
Word Count: 118
Summary: For oonah's challenge on chemistry.....based on a true story
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Warm evening walking, strolling
full moon clear, crisp in indigo sky
casting shadows, casting light into hidden areas.
Fragrant air of plumeria, jasmine, many exotic blooms,
penetrate senses and focus thoughts
on pleasant odors of the evening.

Strolling past the open grate, foul stench assailing
mental music of fragrant flowers screeches,
fleeing the scene. Mental cacophony invades tranquility.
Make it stop. Come back fragrant air,
Return to me, quiet night music.

Strolling on, a wisp, a tendril of tentative night perfume
caresses my senses and draws me near
Beckons me on into her embrace.
Light mental music begins, thoughts focused
again on night's perfume.

Ahead, another grate,
Tranquil sense and mental music
Tremble in fear of the unknown






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 11:52 on 31 January 2010  Report this post
How are you? Settling in? Seems to me you've found a new muse

I liked the atmosphere of this very much.

The repetitions of 'mental music' are detracting from the poem a bit. Try to just use that once.

I think you need to explain more what the foull stench is that interrupts this perfection - give the reader a bit more there.

Try putting it into the first person too and active voice.
I stroll warm evening
full moon clear, crisp in indigo sky
casts shadows, light into hidden areas.


I tremble in fear of the unknown

will make a more powerful ending.

Post the revision sometime below this one and I'll take a look if you like.

Strikes me this is a good time to keep a diary and a book of drafts and start collecting all the poems from where you are now as a set.
Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)
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FelixBenson at 12:17 on 31 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Mike

This is an intriguing topic - how smell can delight and horrify! And the way it can immediately and drastically change our mood. The association is so strong. I think a few revisions to this poem - as Oonah suggests- are worth doing to tighten this up. I would be interested to read the second draft - that is what Flash is for, after all.
Cheers, Kirsty
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Nella at 14:35 on 31 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Mike, great that you're settled in and back to writing poetry!
I could really imagine this lovely evening stroll under fragrant Asian skies and then - that horrible STENCH!
I haven't been in Asia often, but I was in Singapore once, and I remember how vile some of the smells were - totally unfamiliar to Western noses like ours.
I agree that you could tighten it up a bit. For example, delete the second "casting" here and maybe the "many":
casting shadows, casting light into hidden areas.
Fragrant air of plumeria, jasmine, many exotic blooms,



I'm really looking forward to more of your Thailand-inspired poetry. I think Oonah's suggestion for a diary and poetry series is a good one!

Best,
Robin
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Findy at 14:39 on 31 January 2010  Report this post
Hi Mike

Some lovely lines and images,

full moon clear, crisp in indigo sky
casting shadows, casting light into hidden areas.


mental music of fragrant flowers screeches,
fleeing the scene.


Tremble in fear of the unknown



Yes, agree with Oonah, the source of the stench would offer a picture.

Enjoyed the read

I can see some familiar images here

findy
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M. Close at 15:19 on 31 January 2010  Report this post
Thank you all for you kind comments. I will work on version 2 over the next few days. I will try to tighten up the poem using your advice and see if it reads a bit better.

Mike
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