|
|
 |
DESCENT
Posted: 13 February 2010
Word Count: 200
Summary: This is my challenge - 200 words, containing STRAIN,SNAP and FALL.
|
Font Size
|
|
DESCENT
The pot-hole beckoned, open-mouthed, willing me to enter. I peered over the rim; low sun lit one side down to about 80 feet and the other side was almost in darkness. I tied off the rope to the cast iron ring embedded into concrete near the edge. Behind me, the rest of the men wanted to tie off their ropes and drop down into the gaping hole. I knew I wasn't as confident as they were, yet I had chosen to go first, though I would have accepted any offer to change places and perhaps go last. I gave them a half wave and took a breath before checking the rope loops. Now I was ready to go and how fast I descended was up to me. I leaned back, took the strain and kicked out from the rocks. At first I dropped like a stone, in free-fall, but then slowed up as I activated the speed control. The rope was good, it would take more than me to snap it. At 200 feet I felt the hard floor of the pothole and heard the others dropping down too, together we’d go and look for my missing little girl.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 SarahT at 14:45 on 15 February 2010
 Report this post
|
Hi Steve,
This has a lyrical quality and touches on some nice almost mythological imagery, with the herd that disappear off the edge of the earth, the sun disappearing into the lake and the electricity biting. However, I don't think it even reads as a short story because there is not an identifiable arc or experience that takes the character to a different mental state or situation. In essence, this is just a short piece about a series of reminiscences, which are all told rather than shown, so the overall effect is a race through a scenario rather than a story. With polishing, I could almost see it as a synopsis.
So, in answer to your question, yes, it would be interesting to hear more about the individual stories behind these vignettes so it perhaps should be expanded. However, you need to watch the technicalities. This piece is short but it slides a lot. It slips from present tense at the start to past tense at the end and from third person to first person in the following: 'where once we just knew the 20 or 30 people in our village'. Also, the following feels wrong: 'Now, huge herds had disappeared.' I think it should be 'have disappeared' but only if it the right tense for the rest of it!
Hope this helps you decide which way to go.
S
| |
SarahT at 14:46 on 15 February 2010
Report this post
|
Also, as an after thought, why 'Stolen time'? What is stolen about the time?
| |
BobCurby at 17:32 on 15 February 2010
Report this post
|
Thanks Sarah, It was an experiment some time agao - and I came across it again a few days ago... I think the amateur in me really shows in that piece! Still, it was a useful exercise at the time.
Stolen Time? Well - I'm not sure either! I'll think of a better title, and dveleop a story - line some other time - I will be getting back to the SeaWitch and the diamond heist shortly!
Steve
| |
 V`yonne at 23:17 on 27 May 2010
Report this post
|
“Who’s a cheeky boy?”
“You are, flamin’ parrot!”
“I am not on fire.”
“You dammed well will be in a moment!” |
|
LOL 
|
|
| |
 Bunbry at 13:12 on 28 May 2010
Report this post
|
You had me galloping through this one Steve as it was a cracking idea for a story. I must admit, the end has left me perplexed though!
Nick
| |
Forbes at 18:57 on 28 May 2010
Report this post
|
Very funny, but puzzled too about the ending.
Was MC Jill? And did she kill the parrot?
As said - puzzled.
Cheers
Avis
| |
|
|
 crowspark at 17:57 on 21 June 2010
Report this post
|
Hi Steve
Sorry I missed this one. I liked the title and very funny dialogue.
Thanks for the read.
Bill
| |
|
|
choille at 23:47 on 26 June 2010
Report this post
|
I think the comments relate to a different tale written previously?
I think you could try & trim down some of the 'rim' mentions to avoid a bit of repeatition there.
| I leaned back[,] took the strain and kicked out from the rim |
|
I don't think I could go pot holing. I would find it too claustro - thingy.
All the best
Caroline.
| |
BobCurby at 00:06 on 27 June 2010
Report this post
|
Yes Caroline the comments relate to different passages that use the same carrier - I have so much traffic on my account that in order to get this in for the challenge deadline I had to re-use an old slot.
Edited the passage - hope it reads better.
Steve
| |
choille at 00:59 on 27 June 2010
Report this post
|
I think it reads much better & it has quickened the pace - given it more punch.
All the best
caroline.
| |
Elbowsnitch at 07:36 on 27 June 2010
Report this post
|
Hi Steve - this is gripping description and you obviously know what you're talking about! It would make a great beginning to a story - but as it stands, the last reference to 'my missing little girl' reads strangely, as there hasn't been any sense of emotion or panic.
Frances
<Added>
although I suppose the fact that he's chosen to go first is a hint...
| |
BobCurby at 22:08 on 28 June 2010
Report this post
|
Yeah I was trying to stick to 200 words - I need the discipline.
I would have had the MC go too fast and hit the ground hard, perhaps spraining an ankle, I would have had him call out to the little girl before he even descended ... thanks for the review I am proud to say that I had no idea what it was going to be when I started it and it took just about 5 minutes to do. I really enjoy these, they are such a change from my usual writing - And - as you can see I can be a bit long-winded!
Steve
:D
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
