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A visit from Death!
Posted: 26 February 2010
Word Count: 77
Summary: Week 198 Challenge - Oonah's 'Tweet the Meat'
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The pain increased with intensity; Lizzie clutched her stomach. An image of a doll on D’s shelf with needles.
‘My God she wants me dead.’
Second attempt
'My God she wants me dead.’
A strange doll on D’s shelf with needles confirmed L's worst nightmare.
Pain gripped as blood filled her mouth.
The waves crash against my little boat tossing it high into the electrified air. I glimpse land – safety, before drowning in shades of blue.
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Comments by other Members
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 jenzarina at 13:50 on 26 February 2010
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The second was really excellent, wonderful images.
The first wasn't so original, but still good.
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tusker at 14:57 on 26 February 2010
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Loved the second one, Laurence, as Jen says, wonderful images. Particularly liked, 'drowning in shades of blue.'
Not so sure about the first though. It didn't stir me, if you get what I mean.
Jennifer
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Laurence at 15:00 on 26 February 2010
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Thank you both for your comments. Looking at the first one I agree with your comment.
I have never really come across this type of writing before. Quite difficult to do.
Laurence
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tusker at 15:25 on 26 February 2010
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It is very hard, Laurence.
I won't be making a career of it, but it certainly exercises the old brain cells.
Jennifer
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 CharlieMac at 17:25 on 26 February 2010
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Well done for a first attempt Laurence, agree with the two Js in that the second is better. I could really imagine your sailor holding on for dear life as he/she spies land so near yet so far and then the cruel sea takes him/her anyway. Poor soul.
Perhaps the first may read a bit better if:
| A glimpse of a doll on D’s shelf with needles. |
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This suggests that Lizzie is dying in the home or building of her 'killer' when she spies the doll on the shelf. By her imagining the doll doesn't anchor it down for me, if you get my drift?
C
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Laurence at 17:31 on 26 February 2010
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Thanks for the advice Charlie I think I will give it another go tonight if I have time.
I understand what you mean by anchoring the image of the doll.
Laurence
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 GaiusCoffey at 19:25 on 26 February 2010
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Looks like a consensus as I'm with the rest on second is cool. Liked the speech in the first, but second has more originality and interest.
G
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Laurence at 20:14 on 26 February 2010
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Thanks for your comments Gaius. Just tried to improve the first 'Tweet'.
Laurence
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Findy at 13:58 on 27 February 2010
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Loved the second,
| drowning in shades of blue. |
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Nice.
Liked the first one.
findy
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Comments by other Members
V`yonne
