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The Affair

by Laurence 

Posted: 09 April 2010
Word Count: 649
Summary: Week 300 Challenge


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"You have been told, time and time again, not to come here. You're not welcome."

"Do you think I want to be here? I have something to say... something you need to know. It's important. Can I come in?"

Sally stared in disbelief that her ex-husband was standing on her door step; she had thought she would never see him again when he walked out two years ago.
'You have a nerve turning up on my doorstep.'

'I don't have to remind you that you were the one who had the affair not me.'

'Say what you have to say and go.'

'I think what I have to say should be said inside and not in the hearing of neighbours.'

Sally glanced from side to side and noticed Mrs Brown was pottering in her garden. She stood aside to let him enter the hallway.

‘You’ll need to be quick before Paul get in from work.’

‘Are the kids around?’

‘No, why?’ asked Sally somewhat surprised by the question.

‘I don’t think they should hear what I have to say.’

‘You’re scaring me Chris – say what you have to say.’

He glanced around the room noting that very little had changed, looking at Sally he saw fear in her eyes.
‘How well do you know Paul?’

‘I’m living with him for God’s sake.’

‘I know,’ he said trying to keep calm, ‘but how well do you know him?’

‘Just get out - I shouldn’t have let you in.’

‘How often does he work away from home?’

‘A couple of times each month, he has business in various parts of the country, clients, conferences, the usual sort of things,’ she saw the look on Chris’s face as she spoke, ‘There’s something else isn’t there?’
Chris nodded and said nothing.

‘He’s got another woman. I knew it. His clothes smelt of a different perfume a few months back. I tackled him about it but he brushed it off saying he had walked through a department store and someone had accidently sprayed a sample in his direction. And I believed him.’ Sally flopped into a chair clutching herself, refusing to go to pieces in front of Chris.

‘It’s more than that,’ said Chris.

‘What?’

‘He bats for both sides so to speak.’

‘If this is some kind of sick joke....’ She broke off with a sob.

‘I was speaking to some colleagues and Paul’s name came up. They said he would do anything to clinch a deal. I swear I wasn’t fishing for information.’

Sally sat rigid trying to take in what he had said. A key turned in the lock. Sally threw a glance at Chris the fear was back in her eyes.


Paul entered the lounge; it took him a second to take in the scene, ‘Chris what a surprise. What brings you here?’

‘I was in the neighbourhood and thought I would see the kids but Sally tells me they’re out.’

‘That’s right. Sorry you’ve had a wasted journey.’ He glanced at Sally, ‘Something upset you dear?’

‘You,’ she said quietly.

‘Me? How?’ He feigned mock surprise.

‘How many others are there?’

‘What?’

‘Get out! Get out of my house!’ she screamed.

Paul looked at Chris, ‘This is your doing. You haven’t told her have you?’

‘No,’ said Chris avoiding Sally’s looks.

‘Sally listen we can work something out. Nobody need get hurt,’ pleaded Paul.

‘Get out! I don’t want to see you again.’

Paul turned for the door, ‘Watch your back Chris I won’t go down without a fight. Tell her, she deserves to know.’ The door slammed.

The silence was broken by Sally, ‘What did he mean?’

‘I blamed you for our break-up; your affair with Paul. I can’t let you take all the blame I also had an affair.’

‘Do I know her?’

Chris cleared his throat before speaking, ‘In a way – it was Paul.’











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Comments by other Members



tusker at 14:34 on 09 April 2010  Report this post
Wow! What a shocker for the poor woman. She might as well enter a nunnery.

Like the dialogue, Laurence. It carried me through to the end.

Jennifer



Elbowsnitch at 16:13 on 09 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence, this reads very like a play - almost like a farce by the end! I feel perhaps the dialogue needs a little more anchoring. The characters aren't really bodied out as people - they remain just names - and while in a play this is ok (actors will do the work of character creation), in a story it isn't.

Nitpicks - 'He feigned mock surprise' - you don't need both 'feigned' and 'mock' - and actually you don't need this sentence at all, it's obvious from what he's saying. Also at the beginning you don't need to repeat the information that Chris is standing on Sally's doorstep.

A very promising story idea - could be great once it's fleshed out a bit more!

Frances



Laurence at 16:44 on 09 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Jennifer

Many thanks for reading the piece and commenting. I was sitting in a cafe today playing around with the idea when I came up with the ending.

Laurence

Laurence at 16:47 on 09 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Frances

Thanks for your honest critique. I agree the characters need fleshing out more - wasn't intending to write a play but that has possibilities as well.

Thanks

Laurence

Prospero at 17:26 on 09 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence

I agree with Frances' assessment this reads more like a play than a story at the moment. I confess I suspected the ending about three-quarters of the way through, but now I go and look again I can't see what tipped me off. Nonetheless, a great idea, but a tad skeletal in terms of characterisation.

Best

John


Bunbry at 20:30 on 09 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence, a great story idea, but I have a couple of suggestions.

You spend a good deal of time setting it up - why not start with the ex already on her sofa trying to explain why he has visited, that would leave more words for my next suggestions!

I think you need to explain why the ex has decided to tell all after so long.

And finally, you hit us with a fairly improbable coincidence at the end. Coincidences in fiction are usually frowned upon by readers. You could moderate the incredulity of the reader by giving some clues about how this bizarr set of circumstances arose.

Ingnore any rubbish advice I've given!

Nick

Laurence at 18:44 on 10 April 2010  Report this post
Hi John

It may have been the reference to batting. I thought I would drop it in at that point especially if I wanted to write a longer piece.

Thanks for the comments.

Laurence

Laurence at 18:46 on 10 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Nick

Quite a number of ideas to mull over. Perhaps I need to get straight to the point. This would have provided more words to develop my characters.

Laurence

crazylady at 20:19 on 10 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence,

Good interesting plot, but like John I guessed before the end. I think it was that reference to batting that told too soon.

It took me a while to register that this was their old matrimonial home. Perhaps at the start you could save some words by saying -Chris rang the bell at the house that he and Sally had shared- or something like that. Or he could say hello to the neighbour using her name.

That said, over all it is a good idea and you capture many of the tensions of a relationship gone wrong.

Cheers
CL

Crimsondelilah at 13:12 on 11 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence
Nice idea with a neat twist. Probably a bit too neat in this case because you haven't given any real backstory for any of the characters. As a result it's hard to feel empathy because we don't really know them or their motivations. Although I did think like Jennifer, that Sally might be inclined to give up on men entirely after this! Your dialogue is good and snappy but I think there's still some work to be done in turning this into a story. Thanks for the read.


crowspark at 17:07 on 11 April 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence

Good idea and good, if slightly predictable twist.

A flash play!

Thanks for the read.

Bill


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