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Awful
Posted: 08 May 2010
Word Count: 304
Summary: For this week's 10 minute character sketch.
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At 2am, Simon Jason leaned closer into the mirror over the sink. He was pleased – though unsurprised – to see that his face revealed no sign of tiredness and admired his reflection: those couple of hours in the gym this morning had really paid off; his chest had never looked more pumped and his arms – well – it was a wonder they weren’t holding anyone at night. Really, he had no idea why he was still single. He came to Pinkies every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday and – as Becky always told him - he was the best looking guy in the club. It didn't take a genius to work out that his peers were jealous. In fact, he’d once overheard some vile queen in the smoking area say, ‘That Simon Jason is so up himself. He thinks he’s so gorgeous, but he’s got a head the size of a space hopper. Literally. Do you think it’s elephantitis?’
Simon had been tempted to say something, but what did it matter what people like that thought of him? The fact of the matter was they were too intimidated to make a move on him. Sad, really, that they had such low self esteem.
Before Simon left, the toilet attendant - a big, black man – offered him a spritz of cologne.
‘Is it free?’ Simon asked.
The toilet attendant silently nodded towards the small dish of coins beside the sink.
Simon narrowed his eyes. The cheek of it. ‘I’m not paying for that.’
The toilet attendant shrugged in response. ‘Suit yourself.’
Simon raised an eyebrow. Black people were so sassy.
‘I will,’ he snapped, then turned on his heels and strutted onto the dancefloor.
Thank god he was here, he thought. Someone needed to show these morons how to throw some shapes.
 Comments by other Members
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Posted by :
 V`yonne at 17:04 on 08 May 2010
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Love it Liam ; The total lack of self awareness is truly impressive.
Just a thought but I'd be incline to turn this around a bit and begin with
‘That Simon Jason is so up himself. He thinks he’s so gorgeous, but he’s got a head the size of a space hopper. Literally. Do you think it’s elephantitis?’
Simon had been tempted to say something, but what did it matter what some vile queen that thought of him? |
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I think you've over-written it in places like you could do without
| Thank god he was here, he thought. |
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eg:
| He strutted onto the dancefloor. Someone needed to show these morons how to throw some shapes. |
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throw some shapes  Love that!
and
| it was a wonder they weren’t holding anyone at night. |
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The conceit!!! How do you know my friend Stephen? ;
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Posted by :
Jumbo at 17:37 on 08 May 2010
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Liam
Lovely writing. You've certainly caught this guy - we all know the type.
No picks, enjoyed every word. Thanks for the read.
john
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Posted by :
Prospero at 19:20 on 08 May 2010
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John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever'. All those faux gold chains. You have got this guy bang to rights, Liam. Well done.
Best
John
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Posted by :
tusker at 07:12 on 09 May 2010
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Great Liam.
It's MC's lack of awareness that others do dislike him I find amusing but not, I think, if you know the subject personally and have to see the twerp 5 days a week.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
Crimsondelilah at 08:07 on 09 May 2010
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Liam - great sketch of a thoroughly deluded man. Love that last line - 'throw some shapes' - wonderful. We've all met a Simon Jason I think, but me personally. not one this far up his own bottom! Good stuff.
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Posted by :
crowspark at 08:13 on 09 May 2010
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This is excellent, Liam.
I agree with Oonah. A bit overwritten in places but an edit will easily fix. For example, in a piece this short you don't need to know the time or the surname of your mc. Perhaps you could have a faster start such as
| Simon was pleased – though unsurprised – to see that his reflection revealed no sign of tiredness. He admired ... |
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Having said that I appreciate however that this is a 10 minute exercise and in this respect you have hit the mark bang-on. It takes me ten minutes staring blankly at the screen to realise that I need to switch it on ;
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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Posted by :
V`yonne at 09:46 on 09 May 2010
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That's it - a faster start. Cut to the chase and it's there and then send it to the comp
<Added>
a snaapier title maybe too...
<Added>
Dancing Queen ;)
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Posted by :
Forbes at 10:19 on 09 May 2010
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Hang on I think I remember this guy from my youth! Nicely drawn - but a bit.... static? It was predictable from the off. I'd have liked the last word to have been with the black guy.
Cheers
Avis
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Posted by :
Bunbry at 15:10 on 09 May 2010
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This is great Liam. I agree that the title is weak point.
Nick
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Posted by :
Riff Raff at 09:55 on 10 May 2010
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What a great sketch. In such a tight word count, you've created a totally real person.
Personally I love the opening lines and wouldn't want it opening with dialogue but it's whatever you feel works best.
The only word which didn't quite work for me was morons. Felt a bit dated and perhaps he would have used something bitchier?
Fia
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Posted by :
Cholero at 20:52 on 10 May 2010
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| The fact of the matter was they were too intimidated to make a move on him. |
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-brilliant line.
That, and completely nail him.
Enjoyed very much.
Pete
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Posted by :
LMJT at 09:46 on 16 May 2010
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Thank you for your comments everyone.
Oonah - Yes, I think you're right that it's overwritten in places. I think I'll revisit it sometime with an editing hat on!
John - Thanks, appreciated.
Jennifer - Yep, working with him was a nightmare! So many awful things that he said that I couldn't get into this sketch!
Margaret - Thanks! Yes, I think we all know someone like this (sadly)!
Bill - Thanks for the suggestion. I think you're right.
Avis - Thanks. I think it is pretty static, yes. I think I might take the character and place him somewhere else and see what happens.
Nick - Thanks. I'll have a think about the title if I revisit it.
Fia - You're quite right about 'morons'. It is a little out-dated. I'll have a think about a replacement.
Pete - Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.
Liam
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