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Inside Out
Posted: 01 June 2010
Word Count: 65
Summary: For the dialgue challenge: Don't know if this suits.
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It plunged down
into my soul
dimmed by hurtful rejections.
Deeper that seed went
to penetrate a heart
scorched by scepticism.
There it flourished
sheltered within
its own abject misery,
feeding upon a rich diet
of grey murky shadows.
One day it emerged,
struggled through a fog,
away from that cocoon of misery.
One scar remained
within that empty pod;
a scar of wavering uncertainty.
 Comments by other Members
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Posted by :
 V`yonne at 14:56 on 01 June 2010
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Good one Jennifer and very quick 
As ever these are suggestions only. I know you want to learn about poetry and I'm pretty sure that others here will have different opinions so the discussion will help you decide on final drafting. I think one day you'll get one of your poems in BwS ; or The Shine or...
I'd be inclined to swap the order of heart and souls cos soul is deeper and lose a few words thus:
It plunged
into my heart
hardened by hurtful rejections. |
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(becasue the h sound matches nicely)
Deeper that seed
penetrated a soul |
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Again in the second stanza you could tighten it up if you wanted:
There it flourished
sheltered within
its own misery,
feeding on grey
murky shadows. |
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You see grey and misery actually rhyme and a little rhyme here and there can be used to good effect - to lend emphasis.
In the final stanza I wasn't sure what the pod was - is that the soul? Has it left the soul empty and scarred? If so, maybe we can work on clarifying that.
<Added>
Oh forgot to say I liked the way you structured this to 3 stages.
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Posted by :
Nella at 20:37 on 01 June 2010
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Well done, Jennifer! And super fast - a real flash.
Like Oonah, I like the way you've structured it into 3 stanzas, and particularly like the rhyme in this last bit:
away from that cocoon of misery.
One scar remained
within that empty pod;
a scar of wavering uncertainty |
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It sounds great!
Agree with Oonah that you could lose a few of the less important words to make the sense of hurt and misery stand out more strongly.
I'm so glad you're doing this!
Robin
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Posted by :
tusker at 06:55 on 02 June 2010
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Thanks Nella,
Will fiddle about with it.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
tusker at 06:56 on 02 June 2010
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Thanks Oonah for you suggestions.
I'll play with it and see what comes up.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
Findy at 07:34 on 02 June 2010
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Nice one Jennifer, I loved the flow of the poem. Lovely imagery, I especially liked the last lines,
One scar remained
within that empty pod;
a scar of wavering uncertainty. |
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findy
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Posted by :
tusker at 18:10 on 02 June 2010
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Thanks Findy.
Glad you liked it.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
FelixBenson at 13:46 on 03 June 2010
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Hi Jennifer
I liked those final lines too - and unusual image, which stays in the mind. But the whole poem is very visual. Good work - you seems to be taking to Flash Poetry like a duck to water!
I look forward to reading more!
Kirsty
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Posted by :
tusker at 16:02 on 03 June 2010
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Thanks Kirsty.
I seem to struggle more with poetry than fiction but I'm getting there.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
crowspark at 09:11 on 06 June 2010
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Hi Jennifer
I agree with Kirsty about taking to flash poetry like a duck to water.
Liked your simple 3 stanza structure which works so well and fits the title. I'm wondering what "it" is.
Bill
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Posted by :
tusker at 14:55 on 06 June 2010
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Thanks Bill.
I was thinking more of a thistle spike; a metaphor for feelings of hurt and rejection that had smothered for a long while.
But that one sighting pierced the heart bringing about deep depression.
Jennifer
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