Inside Out by tusker - WriteWords.org.uk

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Inside Out

by tusker

Posted: 01 June 2010
Word Count: 65
Summary: For the dialgue challenge: Don't know if this suits.

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It plunged down
into my soul
dimmed by hurtful rejections.
Deeper that seed went
to penetrate a heart
scorched by scepticism.

There it flourished
sheltered within
its own abject misery,
feeding upon a rich diet
of grey murky shadows.

One day it emerged,
struggled through a fog,
away from that cocoon of misery.
One scar remained
within that empty pod;
a scar of wavering uncertainty.

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V`yonne at 14:56 on 01 June 2010 Report this post

Good one Jennifer and very quick

As ever these are suggestions only. I know you want to learn about poetry and I'm pretty sure that others here will have different opinions so the discussion will help you decide on final drafting. I think one day you'll get one of your poems in BwS ;

or The Shine or...

I'd be inclined to swap the order of heart and souls cos soul is deeper and lose a few words thus:

It plunged
into my heart
hardened by hurtful rejections.

(becasue the h sound matches nicely)

Deeper that seed
penetrated a soul

Again in the second stanza you could tighten it up if you wanted:

There it flourished
sheltered within
its own misery,
feeding on grey
murky shadows.

You see grey and misery actually rhyme and a little rhyme here and there can be used to good effect - to lend emphasis.

In the final stanza I wasn't sure what the pod was - is that the soul? Has it left the soul empty and scarred? If so, maybe we can work on clarifying that.

<Added>

Oh forgot to say I liked the way you structured this to 3 stages.

Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)

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Nella at 20:37 on 01 June 2010 Report this post

Well done, Jennifer! And super fast - a real flash.
Like Oonah, I like the way you've structured it into 3 stanzas, and particularly like the rhyme in this last bit:

away from that cocoon of misery.
One scar remained
within that empty pod;
a scar of wavering uncertainty

.
It sounds great!
Agree with Oonah that you could lose a few of the less important words to make the sense of hurt and misery stand out more strongly.
I'm so glad you're doing this!

Robin

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tusker at 06:55 on 02 June 2010 Report this post

Thanks Nella,

Will fiddle about with it.

Jennifer

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tusker at 06:56 on 02 June 2010 Report this post

Thanks Oonah for you suggestions.

I'll play with it and see what comes up.

Jennifer

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Findy at 07:34 on 02 June 2010 Report this post

Nice one Jennifer, I loved the flow of the poem. Lovely imagery, I especially liked the last lines,

One scar remained
within that empty pod;
a scar of wavering uncertainty.

findy

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tusker at 18:10 on 02 June 2010 Report this post

Thanks Findy.

Glad you liked it.

Jennifer

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FelixBenson at 13:46 on 03 June 2010 Report this post

Hi Jennifer
I liked those final lines too - and unusual image, which stays in the mind. But the whole poem is very visual. Good work - you seems to be taking to Flash Poetry like a duck to water!
I look forward to reading more!
Kirsty

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tusker at 16:02 on 03 June 2010 Report this post

Thanks Kirsty.

I seem to struggle more with poetry than fiction but I'm getting there.

Jennifer

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crowspark at 09:11 on 06 June 2010 Report this post

Hi Jennifer

I agree with Kirsty about taking to flash poetry like a duck to water.
Liked your simple 3 stanza structure which works so well and fits the title. I'm wondering what "it" is.

Bill

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tusker at 14:55 on 06 June 2010 Report this post

Thanks Bill.

I was thinking more of a thistle spike; a metaphor for feelings of hurt and rejection that had smothered for a long while.

But that one sighting pierced the heart bringing about deep depression.

Jennifer

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