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The Pond
Posted: 30 June 2010
Word Count: 44
Summary: For Bill's challenge
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My feet lead me
to that place
where water tumbles
down into a pool
which eddies rippling faces
that wear expressions
of love.
Their love shifts in
movements of compassion.
Sometimes they chorus as
reeds dip
to a rhythm that
stirs newts
from slumber.
 Comments by other Members
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Posted by :
 Nella at 14:40 on 01 July 2010
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A lovely image, Jennifer. I can see that pond.
My feeling is that, if you would cut just a couple of words, the image would come out more strongly.
My feet lead me there
to that place; |
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"There", for example, seems a little redundant, and maybe "that place" doesn't need to be repeated - though I can understand why you do repeat it and would do it, too, in a prose piece. But in a poem? Maybe not so necessary.
they chorus as
reeds dip
to a rhythm that
stirs newts
from slumber. |
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This bit sounds great!
Robin
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Posted by :
V`yonne at 14:57 on 01 July 2010
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That's great Jennifer. You're very good you know - it's your sense of phrasing - lovely.
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Posted by :
tusker at 15:32 on 01 July 2010
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Thanks both. I will edit.
Jennifer
<Added>
Done it. Yes, it sounds better.
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Posted by :
Findy at 04:12 on 02 July 2010
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Nice one Jennifer, agree with Robin, can actually 'see' the pond.
where water tumbles
down into a pool
which eddies rippling faces
that wear expressions
of love. |
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Nice!
findy
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Posted by :
tusker at 06:53 on 02 July 2010
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Thanks Findy.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
FelixBenson at 11:44 on 02 July 2010
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I agree with everything that has been said, Jennifer. Lovely phrasing. There is a real sense of peace and refuge coming across.
These lines are my favourite:
to a rhythm that
stirs newts
from slumber. |
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Posted by :
tusker at 14:14 on 02 July 2010
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Thanks Kirsty.
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Posted by :
Nella at 15:45 on 02 July 2010
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Well done, Jennifer!
Robin
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Posted by :
crowspark at 07:39 on 04 July 2010
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This is lovely! Loved the movement of feet, wind and water and of emotion.
I agree about the last lines.
Bill
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Posted by :
tusker at 14:06 on 04 July 2010
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Thanks Bill.
Jennifer
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