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The Pond

by tusker 

Posted: 30 June 2010
Word Count: 44
Summary: For Bill's challenge


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My feet lead me
to that place
where water tumbles
down into a pool
which eddies rippling faces
that wear expressions
of love.

Their love shifts in
movements of compassion.
Sometimes they chorus as
reeds dip
to a rhythm that
stirs newts
from slumber.






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Comments by other Members



Nella at 14:40 on 01 July 2010
A lovely image, Jennifer. I can see that pond.
My feeling is that, if you would cut just a couple of words, the image would come out more strongly.

My feet lead me there
to that place;
"There", for example, seems a little redundant, and maybe "that place" doesn't need to be repeated - though I can understand why you do repeat it and would do it, too, in a prose piece. But in a poem? Maybe not so necessary.

they chorus as
reeds dip
to a rhythm that
stirs newts
from slumber.
This bit sounds great!

Robin

V`yonne at 14:57 on 01 July 2010
That's great Jennifer. You're very good you know - it's your sense of phrasing - lovely.

tusker at 15:32 on 01 July 2010
Thanks both. I will edit.

Jennifer

<Added>

Done it. Yes, it sounds better.

Findy at 04:12 on 02 July 2010
Nice one Jennifer, agree with Robin, can actually 'see' the pond.

where water tumbles
down into a pool
which eddies rippling faces
that wear expressions
of love.


Nice!

findy

tusker at 06:53 on 02 July 2010
Thanks Findy.

Jennifer

FelixBenson at 11:44 on 02 July 2010
I agree with everything that has been said, Jennifer. Lovely phrasing. There is a real sense of peace and refuge coming across.

These lines are my favourite:

to a rhythm that
stirs newts
from slumber.


tusker at 14:14 on 02 July 2010
Thanks Kirsty.

Nella at 15:45 on 02 July 2010
Well done, Jennifer!
Robin

crowspark at 07:39 on 04 July 2010
This is lovely! Loved the movement of feet, wind and water and of emotion.

I agree about the last lines.

Bill

tusker at 14:06 on 04 July 2010
Thanks Bill.

Jennifer


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