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Evidence of Death
Posted: 16 July 2010
Word Count: 66
Summary: For Oonah's 'science' challenge. It's a bit simplistic I know.
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They came white suited
sprayed luminol
in dark places
where blood splatters
glowed eerie
on walls and
ceilings.
Outside ivy strangled trellis,
her shallow grave
covered
with nettles.
A metal detector
located a
wedding ring.
It was him or the baby.
The decision
brought death
to her and
the unborn
child.
Imprisoned, he watched TV.
Read the Old Testament,
after tea,
content that he’d be
forgiven.
 Comments by other Members
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Posted by :
 jenzarina at 15:02 on 16 July 2010
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Very CSI.
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Posted by :
tusker at 15:45 on 16 July 2010
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Thanks Jen.
Oonah's poetry challenge being sort of on a scientific theme, and not have a scientific bone in my body, that's what I came up with.
I think you read it before I edited it. In fact, I might edit again after a slurp of vino.
I wish I was a deep poetic thinker.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
Nella at 15:48 on 16 July 2010
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Ooooh, Jennifer! That is grisly, and the last verse! Oh, how complacent is that murderer! Well done.
Can I suggest just a few alterations? If you deleted a few words, you might get something like this:
It was him or the baby.
The decision
brought death
to her and
the unborn
child.
Imprisoned, he watched TV,
read the Old Testament
after tea,
content he’d be
forgiven.
Robin
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Posted by :
V`yonne at 16:19 on 16 July 2010
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I don't think there's anything simplistic about that, Jennifer - it's downright chilling!
I like Robin's suggestions - it tapers nicely on the page too. I have to say you take well to this poetry thing, Jennifer 
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Posted by :
tusker at 06:40 on 17 July 2010
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Thanks Robin.
I will edit it again with your suggestion.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
tusker at 06:42 on 17 July 2010
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Thanks Oonah.
I still feel self-conscious about writing poetry, but with the help I'm getting, I will persist.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
Findy at 08:44 on 17 July 2010
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Nice one Jennifer, really liked the flow of the poem.
Findy
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Posted by :
tusker at 09:22 on 17 July 2010
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Thanks Findy.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
joanie at 14:02 on 25 July 2010
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Hi Jennifer. I must be reading your edited version, as I have read the comments. This reads very well to me now. I love the way the story springs to mind without it being explicitly spelled out. I assume you have re-worked the last stanza at Robin's suggestion, but I would lose the comma after Testament: Read the Old Testament
after tea,
content that he’d be
forgiven. |
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Enjoyable! (In a gruesome sort of way!)
joanie
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Posted by :
tusker at 14:37 on 26 July 2010
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Thanks Joanie.
Jennifer
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