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The bag woman
Posted: 17 July 2010
Word Count: 148
Summary: The city challeneg 314
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The wheels squeaked on the trolley Dot pushed across the Quayside car park to her favourite spot. It was a damp summer evening but she knew the temperature would drop later. She needed to settle near the bins for protection from the elements and the clubbers pouring out and disturbing her sleep.
Dot had lived on the streets of Newcastle for several years. It wasn't out of choice; she'd fallen behind in her rent. Eviction is a cruel thing.
All was quiet,she pulled the sleeping bag around her as she prepared for the long night. A voice called out to her, she turned and saw several youths walking towards her.
'Wye, there's somethin' not right,' said one,' she aboot me granny's age.'
'Leave us a len,' she pleaded.
The youth handed her a fiver, 'Buy your'sell some grub pet.' He nodded, smiled and moved off with the others.
 Comments by other Members
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Posted by :
 V`yonne at 21:03 on 17 July 2010
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I like it. I needed the lingo to be a bit more Geordi for the flavour of it: Why doan't ye buy yerself some food, wor lass? you know? The Quayside can be surprisingly nice. Like it.
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Posted by :
Elbowsnitch at 21:39 on 17 July 2010
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Nice one, Laurence - I like this gentle and sad story. The squeaking wheels of the trolley are a great detail to start with - I could almost see this as a short film.
Wonder if 'she fell behind' should be 'she'd fallen behind'? Also 'as' appears twice in the first sentence of the third para, which makes it read slightly awkwardly.
Excellent ending!
Frances
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Posted by :
Laurence at 22:45 on 17 July 2010
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Thanks for your comments Frances - made the changes you suggested and it reads a little better.
I think I would need to work on the accent Oonah.
Laurence
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Posted by :
V`yonne at 00:01 on 18 July 2010
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I'll help out.
'This can't be right, said one,' she looks no older than my Gran.'
translates
Wye, there's somthin' not right here. She's aboot me granny's age.
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Posted by :
crowspark at 05:14 on 18 July 2010
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Hi Laurence. I agree with Frances about the squeaking trolley making a great opener for your story. The protection of the bins is a sad detail.
Your second paragraph is apposite for the growing threat of homelessness through in the next few years as I am sure we will see more of this. Pity that even the homeless charities are likely to have a thin time of things as LG budgets are cut by 30%.
I like Oonah's suggestion for the dialect (trust her, she knows ; )
Nice twist and an excellent flash.
Bill
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Posted by :
tusker at 07:27 on 18 July 2010
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Good flash, Laurence.
So sad too but that final touch of kindness gave the story a hopeful lift.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
Laurence at 08:24 on 18 July 2010
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Thanks for the suggestions Oonah I've given it a go.
Laurence
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Posted by :
V`yonne at 09:58 on 18 July 2010
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You're welcome  That's better you see Leave us alane will do or just 'Divvint...' she pleaded. Now I'm at the quayside!
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Posted by :
Laurence at 10:21 on 18 July 2010
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Thanks Oonah.
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Posted by :
Bunbry at 10:39 on 18 July 2010
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How much meths can you get for a fiver these days?!
Seriously, this is very nice, well done.
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Posted by :
Cholero at 23:18 on 18 July 2010
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Hi Laurence
Great intro the squeaking trolley and the details of her strategy for where to skeep makes this feel very real. Nice twist the helpful clubbers when the expectation is trouble. The accent works well.
I lived in Sunderland as a kid and I remember well what warm-hearted people Geordies are. The accent took me right back.
Thanks
Pete
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