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Don`t Say Sorry

by tusker 

Posted: 22 July 2010
Word Count: 244
Summary: For Oonah's tapa challenge: theme torrid.


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Molly put her hamster in a box and placed it in the sun on her bedroom window sill knowing that Smudge would get very hot inside.

‘Sorry darling,’ her mother had said when she’d bought Molly the hamster as a consolation for missing school sport’s day at the end of term.

Now she heard Smudge’s little paws scrabbling about and it reminded her of her father’s fingers frantically drumming on the steering wheel only an hour ago.

‘Is that…?’ She’d asked, recognising her mother’s yellow Volkswagen parked in a lay-by under the cover of elder.

He’d swerved a little. Whizzed around the round-about and drove back from where they’d just come. Passing the lay-by once more, he slowed down, his face a mask of disbelief and despair.

‘Dad,’ she’d said when they got home but his expression put a stop to any reminder that they’d forgotten to buy bread rolls for her birthday barbeque.

‘I’m home!’ her mother’s voice broke into her misery. ‘Where’s my birthday girl?’

A short silence followed. Then, ‘What’s the matter, Paul?’

‘We saw you.’ Below, her father’s reply sounded broken.

Molly stiffened as her mother denied and cried while her father shouted. From the window sill, Molly heard those frantic paws scrabble. Tears streamed down her face. Lifting the lid, she took Smudge out from his cardboard prison.

‘Forgive me,’ she whispered as her bedroom door opened. ‘Don’t say sorry! Not again!’ Molly screamed at a mascara smeared face.










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Comments by other Members



Elbowsnitch at 11:31 on 23 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Jennifer - Molly's tormenting of Smudge is quite effective as a framing device, although it forces some awkward 'past tensing' in the middle of the piece - so that personally I'd be inclined to start with Molly and her father in the car and put all the hamster stuff right at the end.

Strong family dramatics!

Frances

Bunbry at 14:17 on 23 July 2010  Report this post
This works for me Jennifer, but I do have one suggestion!

The apology for the sports day thing seemed quite unconnected to the denumont, and I thought perhaps the first apology might relate to her later infidelity ie apologizing for spending so much time helping a recently divorced neighbour (a bit weak I know, but you get what I mean).

Nick

Cholero at 21:33 on 23 July 2010  Report this post
I enjoyed this Jennifer, nicely handled. The intensity and explosiveness of the child's feelings is terrific, her innocence,happiness and security having been taken from her in one fell swoop. The drive-by is scene is excellent.

What misery in that house!

Pete

crazylady at 22:55 on 23 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Jennifer,

Misery indeed!
You tell the story very well and the treatment of the hamster works too.

My reading stuck a bit over the word 'below'

Could I suggest an alteration in this bit.

‘We saw you.’ Downstairs in the hall, her father’s reply sounded broken.

Molly stiffened as below, her mother denied and cried while her father shouted.


If you take the "downstairs in the hall" out of the first sentence completely and insert it to replace the word 'below' in the next sentence it would pack more punch.

So just -
"We saw you." Her father's reply sounded broken.
Molly stiffened as downstairs in the hall, her mother denied..........

Just a suggestion. It's a terrific flash though either way.

CL



tusker at 11:31 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks Frances for your suggestions.

The hamster, given by her mother, is put in that box for it to suffer like Molly is suffering.

Then, not a cruel child, she takes the hamster out knowing it's not her pet's fault.

Maybe it's me but I want to keep that scene in.

Jennifer

Elbowsnitch at 11:33 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Yes, do keep it in - I was only suggesting you moved that whole scene to the end, rather than splitting it between beginning and end.

tusker at 11:34 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks Nick.

When I wrote this, it grew into a longer story. So I had to edit out more than half.

I think that by doing so, I've taken away the 'truth' of the story, that Molly's mother, not only having an affair, but is always saying sorry to Molly for not being there for her when needed.

Jennifer

tusker at 11:37 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks Pete.

It's hard to write those emotions a child feels when all is falling apart around them in a short flash.

Jennifer



tusker at 11:38 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks CL.

See what you mean, it does sound clumpy. Will edit out.

Jennifer

<Added>

I've done it.

Findy at 12:29 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Hi Jennifer

Loved this, really liked the part played by the 'hamster' in the story.

You've really portrayed Molly's hurt feelings well, comes across strongly.

Findy

tusker at 14:38 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks Findy.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 15:14 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Molly's pain comes over well, Jennifer and the way she treats the hamster shows how disturbed she is becoming.
Here
‘We saw you.’ Below,
maybe
‘We saw you.’ Her father's voice carried a broken undertone
or something...

So sad.


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