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Pumpkin

by Laurence 

Posted: 17 August 2010
Word Count: 448
Summary: Challenge 319


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‘Jack I’m scared,’ whispered Paul as he grabbed Jack by the arm.

‘For God’s sake! Why the hell did I bring you along? I knew you would be trouble,’ rasped Jack.

‘I think we’re being watched,’ said Paul looking behind him.

‘Don’t be daft.’

They reached the back garden of Ma Downey’s cottage. It was secluded from the road therefore no one would see them breaking in. There was no sign of life. Good, thought Jack so the rumours are true she has gone away.

‘What if she’s in?’ asked Paul.

‘Then we’ll deal with her,’ he said sighing with exasperation. ‘God, are you really my brother?’

‘What?’

‘Forget it. Ma Downey is not at home that’s why we’re breaking in. We’ll check out the cottage nick a few things and then scarper. I need to get something really special for Clare. Okay?’

Jack removed a screwdriver from his bag and forced the lock; they were in within seconds. Their torches scanned the kitchen like search lights.

‘Check the bedroom Paul, I’ll check for any money stashed in tins.’

‘Do I have to?’ pleaded Paul.

‘You are such a wimp. Right, you go through the tins and I’ll check the bedroom.’

Jack moved across the small passage and entered the room. A strong sickly smell of scent filled his nostrils. He trailed his light around the room and let his beam settle on a picture. ‘My God that’s disgusting! Should be ashamed of yourself at your age!’ he shouted.

There was a crash of tins as Paul rushed into the room. Jack’s light had not left the picture.

‘What are you looking at?’ asked Paul.

Jack slowly moved the beam up the wall revealing more sordid pictures.

‘What is it?’ blurted Paul.

‘No wonder Ma Downey keeps her distance in the village. Switch on the light,’ said Jack. The brightness made Paul squint his eyes. Suddenly he let out a long whistle as he saw several pair’s high heeled shoes next to two leather whips.

‘Look,’ exclaimed Jack, ‘that’s her with.....’ before he could finish there was a knock at the door.

Paul threw the switch and they both waited in the darkness hoping the caller would go.

‘Hello Pumpkin, are you there?’ said the voice.

‘Jesus that’s the vicar,’ said Jack trying to stifle a laugh.

‘Hello Pumpkin, I know you are there. I’m wearing my fish net tights.’

‘Ugh!’ exclaimed Paul.

‘Come on Pumpkin it’s your little Gnome. Let me in. I saw the light on,’ said the vicar.

‘Quick let’s get out of here,’ said Jack grabbing a picture off the wall, ‘this little beauty could be a passport to a bit of healthy blackmail.’







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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 23:29 on 17 August 2010  Report this post
Indeed! ;
he distance her?
and threw the switch

very funny!

Laurence at 09:15 on 18 August 2010  Report this post
Thanks Oonah. Just corrected those two silly errors.

Laurence

Bunbry at 12:35 on 18 August 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence, this is a well rounded, nicely told tale.

My only suggestion would be to avoid telling the story through dialogue (which can make it quite stilted), and use actions instead where you can.

eg
‘Forget it. Ma Downey is not at home that’s why we’re breaking in. We’ll check out the cottage nick a few things and then scarper.


I'm sure real burglers don't talk like this! Show a house without lights, two men dressed in black with a jemmy, etc and the reader will understand what's going on.

Hope this helps

Nick

Laurence at 19:00 on 18 August 2010  Report this post
They are not real burglers Nick rather two likely lads who live in the village.

I take the point about telling the story through dialogue. I'm gradually getting out of that habit!

Comments much appreciated.

Laurence

Desormais at 08:00 on 19 August 2010  Report this post
At first when I read Nick's comment about not telling the story through dialogue, I thought, hang on, isn't that one of the recommended ways of 'showing' rather than 'telling?' I'd appreciate anyone's clarification on this.

Then I went back and looked at the dialogue and it does seem a bit clunky in places (to me anyway, for what that's worth):

'are you really my brother?'


Could you demonstrated this by adding "our kid" or something similar to demonstrate the relationship.

‘Forget it. Ma Downey is not at home that’s why we’re breaking in.


There are a few places where phrases like 'is not' could be shortened to 'isn't', particularly where there is already an abbreviation in the same sentence. (There's probably a technical term for this but I don't know it. Anyone help?) In this place maybe 'Ma Downey's not at home....'

‘Hello Pumpkin, I know you are there. I’m wearing my fish net tights.’


Same thing, 'I know you're there'.

These are just the things that slowed the flow of the story when I was reading it.

It was an amusing story, well told and beautifully paced. I liked it.

Laurence at 09:59 on 19 August 2010  Report this post
Thanks Desormais for your comments - you are quite right about the abbreviation. I think when I read the piece through I possibly automatically abbreviate.

Laurence

Bunbry at 12:20 on 19 August 2010  Report this post
I'll try and explain myself Sandra, but be warned, the show/tell thing is another minefield!

If one character is telling another about anything, especially stuff they should already know, to propel the story or give the reader information ie

"Gee Frank, how long is it since we were both at Oxford studying partical physics together?"

"10 years aago now, you remember, I was dating Lucy, your sister at the time"

then that is called 'Tell' which is considered less worthy than 'Show'.

Also the narrator could do the same thing ie he could say "The beautiful Miss Scarlet walked in the room" (telling us she is beautiful) or he could say "When Miss Scarlet walked in the room and every head turned in her direction" which showed us she was beautiful which again would be considered a 'better' option.

Not great examples, and we all fall foul of this, but I hope it helps a little.

Nick

tusker at 11:05 on 21 August 2010  Report this post
I agree with the others as far as the dialogue is concerned, Laurence. It only needs tightening up.

But I laughed at the scene with these bumbling opportunists in the old lady's bedroom and that naughty vicar calling for his 'Pumpkin.'

What an image!

Jennifer

Laurence at 16:23 on 21 August 2010  Report this post
Thanks Jennifer for your comments.

Now that I am at home the Broadband is so much faster I may sort the dialogue tonight.

Laurence

Elbowsnitch at 17:29 on 21 August 2010  Report this post
Unusual story, Laurence! None of the characters are very likeable - also, because we don't learn much about them, they remain stereotypes - and I'm left sort of wondering what the point is. I guess it's meant as a comic tale? - but we don't get much comedy either, except of the very broadest "oo-er vicar" kind.

I would take out the speech tag "rasped Jack" - you don't need it and 'rasped' is an awkward expression.

Frances

crowspark at 22:55 on 21 August 2010  Report this post
Hi Laurence.

I wonder if some detail of location would have placed the reader in the story and you might also consider starting closer to the action,

They reached the back garden of Ma Downey’s cottage (by clambering up the railway embankment)


I'm not sure the dialogue is a bad idea if handled carefully.

I liked

Their torches scanned the kitchen like search lights.


and the detail of money stashed in cans.

Might have been a stronger ending with them confronting the vicar rather than sneaking away?

Bill

Laurence at 14:00 on 22 August 2010  Report this post
Thanks for commenting Bill - some very useful points.

Laurence


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