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Silent Goodbye

by tusker 

Posted: 03 September 2010
Word Count: 65
Summary: For the Letting Go challenge


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Night spun
its chill as
our fingertips
touched that knotted
wood which stemmed
our inner
emotions.

Words linked
by white breath
lingered upon a
curlew’s cry
that smothered
any further
discussion.

On a shore of
strange birds,
you dreamt of a place
that left images
like wisps
of vague
impressions.

That memory
now sepia
I can still
touch and feel
those lost
long ago
moments.










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Comments by other Members



Nella at 14:52 on 03 September 2010
You have some beautiful images here, Jennifer:
Night spun
its chill

Words linked
by white breath

lingered upon a
curlew’s cry


I love it - it's so full of romanticism and mystery.

Only some very minor things disturbed me. In the first stanza, for example, you have that and which following so closely upon each other. That makes for a complicated sentence structure. Maybe you could lose one of them, making it something like this:

"Night spun
its chill as
our fingertips
touched knotted
wood that stemmed
our inner
emotions"

In the second, I think you don't really need "any". "Further discussion" is enough.

You do so well in here. I'm so glad you joined the group!

Robin

tusker at 15:13 on 03 September 2010
Thanks Robin, so glad you liked it.

I'll edit it as soon as I can.

Jennifer

joanie at 16:20 on 03 September 2010
Hi Jennifer. I did enjoy the fantastic images here, and the lovely bitter-sweet feelings you have captured so well. I like the short lines too; it makes it sound quite breathless, I think.

Good response!

joanie



V`yonne at 16:25 on 03 September 2010
Jennifer, remarkable work!

I have one suggestion but it's radical - turn it inot the present tense:
Night spins
its chill as
our fingertips
touch the knotted
wood that stems
our inner
emotions.

throughout the poem then at the end:

I touch
the sepia memory
still
and feel
those long
ago lost
moments.

If you try reading that aloud it's both more poignant and more immediate.

Oh and then I'd love to see this in the slush!

tusker at 07:33 on 04 September 2010
Thanks Oonah for your suggestions.

Will work on it again.

Jennifer

FelixBenson at 13:19 on 04 September 2010
Very atmospheric and melancholy, jennifer. I love it.

For me, the 3rd and 4th stanzas really take this poem to the next level.

I absolutely love:

On a shore of
strange birds,

I really enjoyed this, Kirsty


tusker at 14:40 on 04 September 2010
Thanks Kirsty.

Jennifer

Findy at 07:03 on 05 September 2010
This is beautiful Jennifer.

Agree with Kirsty, the third and fourth paras really brought out the wow factor for me.

On a shore of
strange birds,


Fantastic!

findy


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