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Freddie

by Manusha 

Posted: 30 November 2010
Word Count: 333
Summary: For V'yonne's challenge. Sorry I've not posted anything since end of May (oops!).


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Donít like this stuff, all cold and bright, still, gotta expect it in winter.

Back home itís lovely and toasty, a bit much at first, but you get to love it, like youíve never known anything else.

Anyhow, wonít be here long, last job of the day ahead. Not much excitement in this one though, Freddie Tawnby, old guy, on his own. Not surprising really, cheated on his wife. Three times. Three different women. Bit predictable, lust. Always hangs about. Nice bit of pride though; he was getting on a bit by the last one. Mind you so was she, didnít half like sordid stuff too, guess thatís why Boss sent me round.

Not much of a house, all on itís own in these stupid white fields. Got a charm though, made of wood, be a quick job. Just a few touches and itís ablaze. Letís get it done then, a stroke on each corner just to warm things up, a bit round the windows too, I want him to see the flames. Always gets Ďem excited, canít wait to get out usually.

Ooo, the fire looks so pretty, wrapping its loving kiss around the lintels, much better than this cold stuff messiní up the ground. Iíll just wait here by the door till he gets active.

Ah, I think I can hear somethingÖ Oh, definitely, that shout wasnít him winning the lottery.
Shit, heís panicking at the door latch, get it together, Freddie!

At least the snowís gone, amazing how quick it melts. The heat from below builds up so quick when their time comes. Better smile now, heís got the door. Oops, looks like I got him out of the bath. What a place to go!

I love this bit; their expression is just divine as it changes. Takes a moment to realise itís not just their house on fire; that the flame never stops gives 'em a hell of a horror.

Give him a wink.

ĎíHey, Freddie! Welcome to Inferno!íí






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Comments by other Members



dharker at 05:33 on 01 December 2010  Report this post
Devilish Andy! Nice work!
Dave

Desormais at 07:42 on 01 December 2010  Report this post
I like the 'voice' on this one. Good flash.
Sandra

tusker at 15:49 on 01 December 2010  Report this post
Great flash.

Really enjoyed.

Jennifer

Manusha at 18:13 on 01 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks vey much for your comments, Dave, Sandra and Jennifer, I'm pleased you liked it.

Andy

Bunbry at 19:17 on 01 December 2010  Report this post
Hi Andy, good to see you back. This is a good tale with a nice twist at the end. My only concern is the arsonist (who I assume is an agent of the devil) talks like a teenage oik with swear words and colloquialisms! I imagine the Devil and his disciples would be all suave and eloquent, so that might be worth looking at.

Finally 'boss' needs a cap as you use it as a name.

Hope some of this helps.

Nick

Manusha at 20:55 on 01 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks Nick, yes, the arsonist is an agent sent to collect the harvest for the day, but I don't see him quite as elevated as a disciple, more one of those burning away that have been given some menial chores after a time of torture.

Have you ever banged your head? Not very eloquent then right? I would think an age of torment might strip away a certain subtley of speach.

I think you're right about capital 'Boss' though, I suppose I was just worried about giving too much away too soon.

Andy

V`yonne at 10:47 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
I'd give some hint that this is a younger demon new to the job to make the vernacular work better.
guess thatís why boss sent me round - thinks I need the practice.

I like this. Very amusing.

Manusha at 19:03 on 03 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks Oonah,

I guess that would bring it across because I was hoping that it would seem he's a bit lowly in the demon pecking order, just doing the humdrum stuff. My only problem is changing the word count, I was so pleased to get it to 333!

Andy

Manusha at 13:57 on 04 December 2010  Report this post
Thank's for the link, Oonah, I agree, it's amazing what a bit of nip and cut can do.

In this case I hesitate to change the line though because I want to keep the emphasis on the demon being there as a result of Freddie's misdeeds.

Andy

tractor at 17:11 on 04 December 2010  Report this post
Hi Andy,

I found this devilishly amusing and infernally well written.

Cheers

Mark

Manusha at 18:48 on 04 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks for your comments Mark, much appreciated.

Andy



Prospero at 10:56 on 05 December 2010  Report this post
Fiendish, Andy. Positively fiendish.

Best

Prosp


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