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Goodbye Mr Berry

by Katy Kat 

Posted: 23 February 2011
Word Count: 214
Summary: This doesn't really qualify as only one piece of fruit gets a mention and the colours are missing too. I enjoyed writing it though so I thought I would share it anyways.


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Tom Berry got to his feet as the Assembly rose for the school hymn. The old familiar strains of 'Lord dismiss us with thy blessing' echoed around the Great Hall.

Tom had sung the hymn with gusto and thankfulness at more end of term assemblies that he cared to remember but now he remained silent, emotion choking him.

He looked fondly around him at the youthful faces that he knew so well and at fellow Staff members dotted around the hall, pens in pockets, pencils behind ears. These were his friends, his family.

Tom looked down at the hymn book in his hands, the words blurred by unbidden tears. He winced at the sudden sharp pain and shuddered as he contemplated the forthcoming surgery that both he and the doctors knew was coming far too late.

How he wished that he could live forever in this special moment - in this place that was his home. He closed his eyes and in his mind he walked the dusty corridors that rang with laughter and the voices of children. He stood again at the blackboard, chalk in hand, sharing all the wonderful things he knew.

Now the Headmaster was reading out the final notices of the School Year before the dismissal.

Tom closed his book.









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Comments by other Members



dharker at 12:21 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
I'm glad you did share this Kate - It's lovely! Some brilliant lines...

Tom looked down now at the hymn book in his hands, the words blurred buy unbidden tears


(blurred buy? or by?). From a strictly aesthetic point of view
The old familiar strains of 'Lord dismiss us with thy blessing' echoed around the old familiar Great Hall.

was a little too "old familiar" perhaps? Having said that I really liked this Flash and the concept of Tom knowing he would die before the new term. Perjhaps he'll return to haunt this place he loves so much?

Thanks for sharing!

Dave


tusker at 15:28 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
So sad, Kate.

Loved your descriptions of the school assembly. I also felt that he was a lonely man whose life had revolved around school. No family but this establishment. That's sad too.

Makes me wish he'd been my teacher as none had the qualities I imagine this man to have had here in this story.

Remember that film 'Goodbye Mr. Chips?' It as that sort of gentle resonance about it.

Jennifer



V`yonne at 15:40 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Try to use only the necessary words and avoid cliches.
Today he remained silent with emotion.
is shorter and better and I tllows you to use those words for extra story telling. In a novel you can afford to ramble but not in flash.

Do a word count on these two versions:
Tom looked down now at the hymn book in his hands, the words blurred buy unbidden tears. He blinked rapidly and winced at the sudden sharp pain, holding his breath until it passed. A shiver ran through him as he contemplated the forthcoming surgery that both he and the doctors knew was coming far too late.



The words blurred. Tom winced and blinked; held his breath to counter the sudden shuddering pain. He knew it was too late for surgery.


This way you have lots of word left for the story which you didn't really geto here I felt - it's more qa cameo.

Use this one as an evercise to see how much you can cut and keep the sentences short.



Katy Kat at 16:02 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave. Thanks for reading and commenting. Buy was a typo (I missed - it thank you)
and you are right about old familiar. I will go through it again. I would love to think his spirit roamed the old school corridors too.

Best wishes Kate

Katy Kat at 16:04 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Jennifer. I'm glad you enjoyed the school assembly. I suppose the pictures in my mind are from my own dusty school memories! Lol! I do remember Mr Chips and wish I had known a teacher like him too. Thank you for your kind comments

Best wishes
kate

Desormais at 16:51 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Nicely written Kate - I enjoyed it. And I felt for him, poor Mr Berry. I think you caught the atmosphere of the final assembly really well, and it was good to be reminded of that familiar hymn. (I spent most of my school days yearning for that final rendition, only to find myself in detention on the very last afternoon!)

I agree with Oonah that you could get the same sentiments across with a few more economic constructions, that would allow you to develop the piece even further. It's a good read, thanks for sharing. Look forward to more from you.

Sandra

Bunbry at 18:00 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Kate, welcome to the naughty corner for those who didn't do all the fruits!!

In the same vein as Oonah, I felt this was a bit too much 'tell'
that both he and the doctors knew was coming far too late.
so it might be worth looking at that.

Also, I'm not sure 'fondly' is the right word as he is in the middle of a breakdown or something at that point!

Lastly, the last line wasn't such a strong one for me.

But have another look, edits are where the real gems are uncovered!

Nick

Kayim at 21:40 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
I loved the images here and the descriptions.

Kim

Manusha at 20:50 on 24 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Kate,

Because my wife has just faced surgery made this strike a deeper chord than it might have done, though hers (hopefully) has not come too late.

Beginning the story with 'Tom Berry' had me thinking that this was a student for a while, perhaps 'Mr Berry' would make this clearer from the start. Also, I think 'end of term' should be 'end-of-term', and I agree with Nick, the last line could do with a little tweak.

Apart from that, I enjoyed the read.

Regards, Andy


OklyDokly at 17:42 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Kate

I enjoyed this. A very moving story, and I really get the impression that Mr Berry would work through if he didn't have to go. The fact that his chances of survival sound minimal, makes me wonder if he could in fact stay and continue to teach, as I get the impression he wants to.

A minor niggle, which would have helped me relate to this story a little better, was if I knew where exactly Tom's pain was, so I know what kind of operation Tom is happening. From his POV, he's likely to know this too. Just a thought.

Also, like Andy, I thought he was a student at first.

Good work

Chris

choille at 19:25 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Hello Katy - what a nice little tale, but sad too. Poor Mr Berry.

I think you've had quite a load of helpful comments from above - not God, but t'others on Flash, so I'll just say that maybe needs a little work & polish.

I really like this bit:
How he wished that he could live forever in this special moment - in this place that was his home. He closed his eyes and in his mind he walked the dusty corridors that rang with laughter and the voices of children. He stood again at the blackboard, chalk in hand, sharing all the wonderful things he knew.

I think that is really good & sums up how he feels with out being maudlin.

All the best
Caroline.

Laurence at 22:13 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
I so want to know more about the life of Tom Berry. He sounds such a kindly teacher not unlike some of the masters I knew at school.

Thanks for the read.

Laurence

crowspark at 10:53 on 27 February 2011  Report this post
A lovely piece of writing, Kate.
You have had some good advice. Trim those words, cut any repetitions and blend sentences together which will further reduce your word count.
Thanks for the read.
Bill

Katy Kat at 02:46 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks Sandra and Nick. I have made a couple of edits and will definately go over it again

Best wishes
kate

Katy Kat at 02:47 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Thank you Kim

Kate

Katy Kat at 02:49 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Andy. I am sorry to hear that your wife has been through surgery. I hope she is recovering well. Thank you for your helpful comments - I have taken them on board - and best wishes to you both
Kate

Katy Kat at 02:56 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Chris. Many thanks for reading and your comments. I suppose I am trying to put a slightly different slant on 'School's Out' by having the MC leaving for good. Because it's Flash I just tried to hint at his problems hoping that the reader would fill in the blanks. Maybe it needs a bit more info? Also I hadn't realised that Tom Berry sounded like he was a student!! Thank you for that.

Best wishes
Kate


Katy Kat at 02:58 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks Caroline and Laurence. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Best wishes
Kate

Katy Kat at 02:59 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Thank you Bill. Yes I have lots of things to think about and some more trimming to do.

Best wishes
kate

Katy Kat at 03:02 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Thank you Oonah for your helpful comments. I have taken them on board and will be doing some tweaking.

Best wishes
Kate

Manusha at 16:32 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Thank you Kate.

Andy


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