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Little George

by Laurence 

Posted: 25 February 2011
Word Count: 300
Summary: Challenge 345


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Emily Brown looked up at the bright red clock. Time was dragging. Her class was excited about the imminent holiday. Emily visualised a row of gin and tonics with slices of lemon or lime. Hen-night tonight.
Emily noticed little George sitting on his own. His friends had deserted him.
‘Excuse me will you get back to your own table. George is on his own.’ She shot a quick smile at him.
‘He smells miss,’ said Peter.
‘I beg your pardon. That is very unkind. Say sorry at once.’ Peter was a precocious six¬- year old.
‘But he does miss.’ He pinched his nose with one hand and wafted the air with the other. The class dissolved into laughter.
‘Peter Kiwi,’ said Emily raising her voice, ‘that is enough. I shall speak to your mother.’
He apologised.
‘Story time. Sit on the blue carpet. All crayons and pencils away. We don’t want anything going missing. Now which story would you like me to read?’
A sea of hands shot up and waved about in an imaginary storm.
‘Jane?’
‘The adventures of Princess Grace in her beautiful strawberry dress.’
Groans.
‘Miss!’ said Michael, ‘You haven’t finished Johnny Apple Tree.’
Silence. Eager intent faces listened.
The bell rang and she waved them off. She felt a tug on her sleeve. George looked up at her.
‘Sorry Miss,’ he whispered, ‘my mum is not very well at the moment.’
Emily’s vision blurred as she handed him an apple.
‘Thank you Miss.’
In that moment she realised why she had come into the profession.

Later that evening the party was in full swing but Emily kept thinking of little George. ‘Hey Emily, penny for them?’ said Mary.
‘What? Oh .. nothing I was just thinking about George.’
‘So you heard? His mother died this morning.’






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 18:45 on 25 February 2011  Report this post
Now that's enough to crack a swinging brick! Mind you - it never does to get emotionally involved about the kids when you're teaching - you have to be able to leave the job behind. That's why I didn't teach disabled - I just couldn't leave them when I stepped outsied that door. But it's a nice story...

dharker at 19:48 on 25 February 2011  Report this post
A lovely story well told Laurence

Dave

tusker at 20:00 on 25 February 2011  Report this post
Good to read a story of yours again, Laurence.

You didn't disappoint. Loved it even though it was so sad. It's the kind of story that plays on one's mind.

Jennifer

Laurence at 21:14 on 25 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks for your comments. It has certainly been a long time!

Laurence

Manusha at 22:33 on 25 February 2011  Report this post
Oh, my goodness, what are you trying to do to us! That was tear-jerker if ever there was one! A powerful ending, Laurence, so sad.

I feel heartless to give any other comment, but now I've recovered a bit, just a couple of points.

Peter Kiwi is an odd name and drew attention to the fruit prompt, whereas the 'slices of lemon or lime' slipped in unnoticeably.

A sea of hands shot up and waved about in an imaginary storm.

I liked the second half of this but have heard 'a sea of hands' so many times.

‘Jane?’
‘The adventures of Princess Grace in her beautiful strawberry dress.’

I didn't know who was saying these lines.

I'll scuttle away to a corner now, for I feel merciless and ashamed to make those points after being so moved by your tale. Thanks for your story.

Andy



Cornelia at 23:13 on 25 February 2011  Report this post
Loved the teacher's thoughts straying to gins and tonic and the ingenious use of fruit, especially Peter Kiwi. I also liked the dialogue.

Peter was a precocious six¬- year old.


I don't think you need to tell us this.

Sheila

Bunbry at 10:10 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Laurence, a good crack at the prompt, well done. I have to say, if George's mother had died that morning (or been perilously close to death) I'm not sure he'd have been in school. Also, I'm sure the school would have been informed of such an event. I was at work when my mum became ill, and the message got through very quickly. We have some teachers in the group, so they might know.

Nick

Desormais at 11:42 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Good to see some of your work again Laurence. Enjoyed this, very moving. How heartless kids are, and the issue of 'personal freshness' is always a perennial with them. The Kiwi reference did stand out a bit, but an enjoyable story nevertheless.

Sandra

OklyDokly at 18:41 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Laurence

A very moving story written in a very readable style.

I did however have a few issues with the language itself:

Time was dragging.


This felt a little tell to me. I felt the action of Emily looking up at the clock had already shown us this.

Emily noticed little George sitting on his own. His friends had deserted him.


These two sentences aren't needed in my opinion, as they are shown by the dialogue which immediately follows.

Eager intent faces listened.


Think 'eager' or 'intent' by themselves would work, but to me both together are overkill.

Also see Shiela's comment above. Again what you say is shown by the dialogue.

Good work

Chris

choille at 20:52 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Hello Laurence - this is a sad story & very well told.

Poor kid eh?

It reads really well & is well written.

Can't help feeling that it can't get sadder than this -smelly & his Ma dies. Shouldn't scoff it's really good & the end comes as a bit of a shock, out of the blue but not because you'd cleverly hinted that his Ma wasn't well.

Great flash & picks up the way kids say what they think.

All the best
Caroline.

crowspark at 11:33 on 27 February 2011  Report this post
A sad story well told.
Emily visualised a row of gin and tonics with slices of lemon or lime. Hen-night tonight.

Nice link to the end of your story.
She felt a tug on her sleeve. George looked up at her.
‘Sorry Miss,’ he whispered, ‘my mum is not very well at the moment.’
Emily’s vision blurred as she handed him an apple.
‘Thank you Miss.’

Nice touch.
Then you kill the puppy!
Well done. You might want to reduce the numbder of times you name Emily at the beginning. At the time you only have one person you can use she etc.
Thanks for the read.
Bill


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