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A Trick of the Light

by Cornelia 

Posted: 28 June 2011
Word Count: 1342
Summary: A seaside ghost story


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As the car tyres splashed down the narrow lane and Cheryl and Andrea dozed on the back seat, the windscreen wipers beat a steady rhythm. I could see nothing but blackness beyond the headlights.

Suddenly, something bright red flash past on my right, above the level of the car roof, and the thunder of hooves pounded in my ears. ‘That’ll be an excise man, on the look-out for smugglers,’ I thought.

It was only when my friends laughed that I realised I’d spoken out loud. Now they were wide awake and asking me questions.

‘ Not now. I need to concentrate on the driving.’ It was as good an excuse as any.

Besides, it was true – I was relying on reflected light from the trees to spot the cottage I was looking for. With only an address sent by email to go on –‘Coastguard’s View, Frenchman’s beach.’, and the almost invisible map spread on the seat beside me, it wasn’t easy to spot. So they’d have to wait for an explanation.

I was exhausted. It had been a long drive from London on a rainy October night and I was beginning to regret agreeing to a weekend in a seaside cottage with my teaching colleagues. It had been Cheryl’s idea, but I was the only driver among the three of us.

‘Bound to meet some hunky guys, fishing types in those cable-knit jumpers’, Cheryl had said in the staffroom that afternoon. She’d only just dumped the latest in a string of boy-friends.

But once in the cottage she couldn’t wait to ask me about what I’d seen. ‘So, go on! Don’t keep us in suspense -tell us what you meant. What’s an excise man?’ I managed to persuade her to wait at least until after we’d eaten.

The cottage owners had left basic supplies in the modern kitchen. There was even a microwave oven which helped speed up the preparation of the food we’d brought with us. While Cheryl and I saw to the meal, Andrea lit a fire under the logs in the grate.

After dinner, the rain was still pelting at the windows, but hot food and wine had made us feel much more cheerful – pleasantly warm, instead of cold and fretful. The cottage was cosy now, the log fire crackling and throwing up flames that made the corners of the room brighten and then disappear. It was late, but we were all set, or so I thought, to continue with staffroom gossip and moans about boyfriends. But Cheryl wouldn't let me forget what I'd said.

She had a tendency to over-react at the best of times, which I suppose is typical of drama teachers. Now she sat on the sofa with a shawl round her shoulders, rolling a glass between her hands. With her silver ear-rings gleaming among her dark curls and brown eyes reflecting the firelight, she could have taken the lead in ‘Carmen’.

Andrea was sleepy and murmured, ‘Cheryl, leave her alone.
She doesn’t want to talk about it.’ Andrea was the sensible one. Probably lulled herself to sleep most nights with a nice book of mathematical formulae.

Cheryl wasn’t to be put off, though ‘Oh, come on, Barbara! If you don’t tell us, , I won’t sleep for wondering.’

I decided to get it over with. ‘It's believed there were smugglers along this coast, and excise men were just guards employed to keep look-out. It’s nothing, really…’

‘Yes, but why did mention it tonight, as if you’d seen one?’
Cheryl sensed there was more to it, so I made my mind up to satisfy her curiosity. Maybe then we could all get some sleep.

‘It’s just that since I was about twelve I’ve had the knack of latching on to things that happened in the past. I see things and people that nobody else can . It’s like…like an after-image, when you stare at something and then close your eyes.

‘Ooh! You mean ghosts?’ Cheryl’s eyes widened and Andrea frowned at her but even she was intrigued.

‘I suppose so. So I imagined I saw an excise man. It must have been a trick of the light.’

I was too tired to talk anymore; we all were. As Andrea raked the grate we knew from the silence outside that the rain had stopped, though he wind still stirred the curtains.

Tomorrow, first thing, we’d go to the tourist information centre in the town, to ask if there’d been smugglers on this part of the coast. My red-coated apparition could have been hunting them down.

Next morning dawned with a sea-reflected brightness and the air had that sharp quality you only get along the coast. Any doubts or gloominess disappeared and we were keen to get out walking by the sea, to explore the nearby town, especially its historic pubs, and forget all about school.

Andrea was already in the kitchen setting out bowls when I came down to breakfast. We could hear Cheryl’s footsteps on the boards above. Andrea looked at me.

‘You know, I’ve been thinking that the story you told last night. I’m sure it comes from teaching all that literature’. She laughed, and then said in a voice meant to be spooky, ‘Last night I dreamt I went to Manderly again….’

‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘Or maybe it was something I saw in a brochure…’

As we drove down the lane, fringed with tall grasses, I had to admit it did seem ridiculous. The lane was narrow and steep in places, but now the green hedges looked friendly. Occasional gaps and barred gates allowed a glimpse of grazing sheep. Twists in the lane revealed neat cottages and gardens bright with Chrysanthemums and Michaelmas daisies.

All of a sudden Cheryl laughed out loud. ‘Oh, look, there’s your excise man!’ Straight ahead, fixed to a telegraph pole at chest height, was a bright red mail box.

Cheryl chuckled, and I joined in. Only Andrea looked serious again and tried to make me feel better. ‘You know, a lot depends on a place, and how we feel about it. It made sense to think you saw a man last night, when you saw something red in the rain. Really, it was just a trick of the light.’

I wasn’t entirely convinced. What about the beating of hooves, so loud I felt rather than heard them? Could it really have been thunder I heard instead?

We called in at the tourist office as planned. While the others were examining postcard racks and looking at model boats, I approached a small grey-haired woman perched on a stool behind he counter, to ask if there were any smugglers’ haunts we could visit. It seemed unlikely there were caves on this flat stretch of coast.

‘Oh, no, there are no caves; just places where they landed after crossing the Channel. There’s one not far from here, called Frenchman’s Beach.’ She turned to consult a calendar on a rack behind her.

‘Ah, what a shame; you’ve just missed him’.

‘Missed him? ‘

She gave a lop-sided smile that made wrinkles radiate from her thin lips, then unfolded a paper map on the counter top. A gnarled finger pointed to a place very near the cottage. Sure enough, Frenchman’s Beach was clearly marked.

The old lady leaned towards me and lowered her voice.
‘They say that on the last Friday of October he can be heard riding along the lanes. The story goes that he was ambushed and killed by the smugglers. Sometimes you can only hear the hoof beats, but there are those who say they’ve seen his red coat. They call him ‘The Excise Man’. Yes, m’dear; you’ve missed him by a day. ’

I thanked her in a daze, as Cheryl and Andrea came over with their postcards.

‘Right, where’s this Mermaid Inn, then?’ said Cheryl, holding up a card with a picture of a quaint old tavern. ‘It’s not too late to meet up with a real hunk, and I don't mind what colour coat he's wearing!’






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Comments by other Members



fluffyduffy at 20:46 on 29 June 2011  Report this post
Hi Sheila,

I remember this story from a while ago. I like this story and it has great potential but I'm afraid I didn't feel any kind of tingle down my spine when reading a ghost story. I think you could really boost the tension of the ghostly sighting. I didn't feel that Barbara was even that bothered about what she saw or felt, even if she is used to seeing/feeling spirits wouldn't she feel just the slightest bit nitrated seeing something in the dark, on a stormy night on a country road? You could even have her friends not believing her/teasing her but she couldn't shift the feeling of what she saw and heard. This would then add to the conclusion at the end of the story of the old ghost tale from the old woman - maybe even her friends could her the tale and realise that Barbara was right after all. Do you see what I mean?

Suddenly, something bright red flash past on my right, above the level of the car roof, and the thunder of hooves pounded in my ears. As the car tyres splashed down the narrow lane and Cheryl and Andrea dozed on the back seat, the windscreen wipers beat a steady rhythm.I could see nothing but blackness beyond the headlights


I think you could start the tension straight away by re-arranging the above to:

The car tyres splashed down the narrow lane and the windscreen wipers beat a steady rhythm against the rain as Cheryl and Andrea dozed on the back seat.I could see nothing but blackness beyond the headlights. Suddenly, something bright red flashed past on my right, above the level of the car roof, and the thunder of hooves pounded in my ears.

By changing the above it will then lead straight onto the next sentence nicely as well as adding tension.

But Cheryl wouldn't let the matter drop

What matter? Just before this section you were talking about stateroom gossip, not the ghost tale. I would add 'the matter of The Exercise Man drop'

I decided to get it over with. ‘There were smugglers along this coast, and excise men were just guards employed to keep look-out. It’s nothing, really

I would add 'It was believed' at the beginning of the dialogue, this would sound more realistic, if you see what I mean just how most ghost stories begin.

‘Yes, but why did mention it tonight, as if you’d seen one
?’
Add the word 'you' between 'did' and 'mention'

Tomorrow, first thing, we’d go to the tourist information centre in the town, to ask if there’d been smugglers on this part of the coast. My red-coated apparition could have been hunting them down

If you make the friends tease Barbara about what she saw you could have her say the above.

It made sense to think saw a man last night, when you something red in the rain

This sentence is a little jumbled up and doesn't make sense.

I think this story could really be a spine chiller but I think you need to up the tension a little. As it is none of them seem overly bothered about what Barbara saw.

I hope these comments help in some way. I really like this story, Sheila, and I'd love to see the re-write

Alana

Cornelia at 22:21 on 29 June 2011  Report this post
Thanks, Alana. I see what you mean about the spine-tingling element. From the narrator's point of view she's used to seeing ghosts and she just wants to find out at the tourist information office if there's any foundation for what she believes she saw. She wasn't scared - her remark, said out loud, was just a confirmation to herself. I'm someone who's had these experiences, and at the time they do seem very matter of fact. That's what I wanted to convey.

Yes, I like your beginning and will use it. Thanks for highlighting the jumbled sentences.

Sheila

fluffyduffy at 09:25 on 30 June 2011  Report this post
Ah, I see that. I guess seeing ghosts affects people in different ways. My sister-in-law saw the spirit of my nan one night she was very calm, where as when I saw a spirit of a man sat in my garden chair one night I nearly peed my pants, lol

Cornelia at 11:19 on 30 June 2011  Report this post
Yes, I've felt creeped out as well. I once lived in a rented flat in a house with the spirit of a young boy in the kitchen. He would startle me on sunny afternoons by rushing past me as I went in. He seemed quite happy. But there was a group on the stairs that parted before me when I went up to the bathroom in the evenings. They were like mourners, completely harmless, but sometimes I put off going up there.

Sheila

Katerina at 12:51 on 30 June 2011  Report this post
Hello,

Spirits/ghosts, whatever you want to call them, don't bother me at all. My daughter and I have seen them, and they didn't really frighten us. Usually, it's just people who you've loved - grandparents etc - who have come back to see if you are okay, and it's kind of nice to know they are still around

However, if I had a poltergeist, then I think I'd freak a bit, lol.

I agree that this isn't a scary story, but then it isn't meant to be is it?

I agree with Alana about changing the first part, because the line of dialogue seems to come out of nowhere, and it needs something to lead us into it.

Alana has pointed out everything I was going to comment on, except this teeny pick -

‘It’s not too late to meet up with a real hunk, and I don’t care what colour of coat he's wearing!’
not sure you need the word 'of' here.

Kat x



fiona_j at 22:45 on 30 June 2011  Report this post
Hello,

This is a nice story of ghosts and someone used to seeing them. Therefore, the story doesn't seem to go anywhere. If it's something she's used to, maybe you need to alter it slightly to be something extra, something she's not used to - talking to them for example.

I like the way the friends don't quite believe her - I think you can elaborate on that too, maybe. Have them converted for example, in the end.

Seems to me like everyone has seen or felt a spirit before. Closest I get to that is a gin and tonic!

Fi x



Cornelia at 00:11 on 01 July 2011  Report this post
Sorry to hear you are a bit spiritless, Fiona, but maybe you are not registering them in your consciousness. I don't know whether this is a good thing or not.

I like the idea of Barbara speaking to the spirit, but that's for another story - this one is just glimpsed from inside the car.

As for gin and tonic- way to go.

Sheila

fluffyduffy at 10:22 on 01 July 2011  Report this post
Ooh Gin and Tonic, - although after a few of those I can't see anything at all, lol.

When I was younger I always got that feeling of being watched or strange smells that no one else could smell. Then my Auntie got me into meditating - that really opens up your mind and all sorts happen then, lol.


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