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Balance of Seasons & Trout`s Demise

by tusker 

Posted: 04 September 2011
Word Count: 136
Summary: For Oonah's Scales challenge. (one I wrote a while ago.)


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Balance of Seasons



Spring rain, a symphony that batters earth until clouds
part in an invitation for wispy swirls to dance
above roads and pavements.
Summer dawn rouses sparrows chit-chat that
merge with lapwing cries to conjure up water born
creatures unaware of our existence.
Autumn winds blow in heavy breaths and sometimes
soft gusts that blend aromas of dung and wood smoke
around gardens and hedgerows
Winter snows whisper secrets over booted feet that
crack on ice in cold rebellion against Mother Earth’s
continual dominance.



Trout's Demise

One dull eye stares without a blink and a
mouth gapes wide with astonishment as
lemon juice squirts an acidic stream
onto crispy skin that cooks over
charcoal while fish scales
dulled by sudden death
rot amongst waste amid
plastic that sweats
putrid smells on
this balmy
evening.






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Comments by other Members



Nella at 08:17 on 05 September 2011  Report this post
Good, Jennifer! Lots of lovely images in 1. I particularly like these lines:
Winter snows whisper secrets over booted feet that
crack on ice


And number 2 is excellent. I like this:
mouth gapes wide with astonishment as
lemon juice squirts
and I like the way the lines get shorter and shorter right down to the "demise".

Robin

tusker at 14:28 on 05 September 2011  Report this post
Thanks Robin.

The 1st one took me ages, its original title completely different. The 2nd one came to me a lot easier for some reason.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 15:06 on 05 September 2011  Report this post
I particularly liked
an invitation for wispy swirls to dance
above roads and pavements.

in the first. It's lovely.
Here
sparrows chit-chat that
merge
should that be merges.
Love
chit-chat that

Lose the 'soft' before gusts to make it more robust - in fact:
Autumn winds blows in heavy breaths and
gusts that blend dung and wood smoke
around hedgerows

It makes Autumn sound more of a contrast. Then:

Snows whisper secrets over booted feet that
crack on ice in cold rebellion against
Mother Earth’s
continual
dominance.


I think with that title you don't even need all the seasons' names you know, Jennifer. It's axiomatic. You could begin:
First rain, a symphony. Summer and Autumn by name then 'snows'.

In the trout one I thought at first you were going for an etheree but you weren't. I think you could... Not that I would. You could trim the odd word/syllable here and there:
One dull eye stares without a blink a
mouth gapes wide astonishment as
lemon juice squirts an acid stream
onto crisp

and maybe
putrid smells into
this...


A couple of fine poems - Jennifer! Thank you.

tusker at 15:22 on 05 September 2011  Report this post
Thanks Oonah.

Will work on your suggestions. The 2nd one, I wanted to create a shape. Don't know why. One day, I'll have a go at an etheree.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 19:58 on 05 September 2011  Report this post
Yeah I'd like to create a shape - a slimmer one

Findy at 12:26 on 06 September 2011  Report this post
Loved the poems, be back later.



Findy at 06:59 on 11 September 2011  Report this post
Hi Jennifer

Lovely poems both, but I loved the second one a tiny bit more

Some beautiful lines,

lemon juice squirts an acidic stream


charcoal while fish scales
dulled by sudden death


Really nice!

In the first one, I really liked the lines that started with the seasons - Spring rain, Summer dawn, Autumn winds, Winter snows - clever, well done!

Fast work Jennifer

findy

tusker at 07:29 on 11 September 2011  Report this post
Thanks Findy.

The 1st one, I wrote a while ago. The 2nd came to me quickly. A sudden spurt of inspiration which I've been lacking for a while.

Jennifer


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