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Sasha and her trip to Blackpool

by beloscoli3 

Posted: 15 October 2011
Word Count: 498


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Sasha stared out of the window thinking about the holiday, she was happier than she had been in all her life, well that was until this morning.It was at breakfast that her new mum had surprised the family by announcing they were going on a half-term holiday to Blackpool.

Whoopee cried everyone, that is, except Sasha. She’d never been on holiday, she’d heard lots of stories of other people going, some flew all the way to Spain or even Africa. She knew there was a tower in Blackpool, she’d seen it in a photograph someone brought to school, it was very tall and all Sasha had thought about was falling from the top, it was a long way down, someone else had told her about the lions and tigers who lived in the Zoo on the ground floor, they walked around in their cages, what if they got out and chased me, what if I fell into the Sea, I can’t even swim, MANDY her best friend told her that there were fish that looked like jellies on the beach, Mandy told her you had to be careful because you could get an awful sting from them. She’d already decided not to eat anymore jelly after that so she certainly wasn’t going to Blackpool, holiday or no holiday.

Feeling utterly miserable Sasha knew she would have to tell the family that she didn’t want to go. Her palms started to sweat, looking up from her hands and feeling very unhappy she asked if she could say something, you could hear a pin drop it went so quiet. She told them she had never been on holiday and wouldn’t go to Blackpool. After the initial shock Dad asked why ever not, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go she screamed at them and ran off up the stairs to her room.

After locking herself in she started to sob, "I’m 8 years old and I ‘ve never been on holiday, she cried so loud that she didn't hear her mum banging on the door. Sasha felt very red faced and hot as she quietened down, she heard her mum calling her again, running to the door she unlocked it, “ Mum I didn’t want to upset you and Dad she whispered”, “I know love”, mum replied, I‘ve heard some horrible things about Blackpool from my friends Sasha volunteered. Mum suggested that she told her what these things were, as she related her information it was very hard for her to keep a straight face, why don’t you come down and watch a video of our last holiday in Blackpool, no one fell off the tower, got chased by tigers or stung by a jelly fish. Laughing they both went down together with their private joke.As she drifted off to sleep later that night all she could think about was fish and chips and Blackpool rock, MMMMM she said as she went into the land of dreams






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Comments by other Members



crowspark at 23:11 on 15 October 2011  Report this post
Hi Patricia

A touching story about childhood anxiety. I wonder why Sasha has a new mother and why she has never been on holiday before? I think there might be a whole area of interest here for your reader and it doesn't need to use up too many words either.

Where you say, "well that was until this morning" doesn't seem to be in the right order. I think you mean she is happy now but she was unhappy this morning.

I notice you often use commas and run on separate sentences into one which makes it a little difficult to read, for example the sentence that starts, "She knew there was a tower in Blackpool" I would re-edit making sure you have a good mix of different length sentences. In "After the initial shock Dad asked why ever not, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go she screamed at them and ran off up the stairs to her room." this should read something like, After the initial shock Dad asked "why ever not?". "I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go!" she screamed and ran off up the stairs to her room.

I would let the reader know right at the beginning that Sasha is only eight. Also, where you say, "Feeling utterly miserable Sasha knew she would have to tell the family that she didn’t want to go." perhaps she would tell her mother rather than the family.

I would be tempted to end with
As she drifted off to sleep later that night all she could think about was fish and chips and Blackpool rock.

Hope this helps.

Bill


Gerry at 08:09 on 16 October 2011  Report this post

Hello Patricia,

Yes, it was certainly a touching story and I got that feeling of anxiety from it, too. I think those points that Bill makes are certainly worth thinking over.

Thanks,

Gerry

Prospero at 08:32 on 16 October 2011  Report this post
HI Sasha

It is almost as if you have several story threads competing for prominence here. In such a a short piece I wpould suggest that you need to settle on one and explore that fully.

I really liked the idea of not eating jelly because of the jelly fish. That is spot on.

An enjoyable story that just needs a bit of work.

Best

John

beloscoli3 at 11:10 on 16 October 2011  Report this post
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my story. The comments have been a big big help to me. I realize that I have a lot of work to do on punctuation. Lots more to come on Sasha.

Bunbry at 15:11 on 16 October 2011  Report this post
Hi Patricia, welcome to the group - I'm sure you'll have fun and get lots of help from the members here.

I think you have a good basis for a story here - the women's mags seem to quite like this sort of thing, so keep up with the good work! I'd suggest have a go at sorting out the punctuation then post it again, so we can see the edited version.

Nick


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