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The Antiquarian -Chapter Two - Draft 1

by Theo 

Posted: 26 December 2011
Word Count: 1571
Summary: Supernatural suspense; one teenage girl and a lot of old books.
Related Works: The Antiquarian - Chapter One 2nd Draft • 

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-Chapter Two -
Rumours

“Mr Nolan killed his brother, so they say.” Mavis confided as she bustled around my room setting my night things out. “Drove him mad they say.”

I had the strong urge to fling open the shutters and hurl Mavis out. Alas, the house lacked sufficient height for the convenient disposal of servants; high towers it seemed were the exclusive preserve of princesses and evil wizards.

So, Mavis would not find herself making the closer acquaintance of the flower bed outside my window. More’s the pity. Mavis had been attached to the mayor’s household for so long that she seemed to me like some fat, ambulatory tapestry. I was amazed that someone so obviously ancient could still work dawn to dusk, chivvy the younger servants into exhaustion and still find time to gossip. I had spent half my life listening to her expound darkly on her suspicions of this person or that. I had never been so glad of the excuse of tiredness to turf her out of my room.

I lay there thinking how my birthday now seemed a small thing against the backdrop of earthquake and suspicious death. I realised I still had the bit of string from the body in my purse. I should probably have given it back. Still, it was tied to Mr Nolan in some way and the only clue I had. I just wish I knew what it is a clue to. ‘Mr Nolan you are going to have some explaining to do when I find you.’ I said to myself as I drifted off to sleep.

I found myself in a long corridor on either side there were doors curving away to vanish in the distance. I very slowly and deliberately, pinched myself then shut my eyes and opened them again. I didn’t wake up.

I looked behind me and it was the same corridor curving away out of sight. I hated dreams like this but with everything that had been going on I couldn’t be too surprised at a bad dream. Still it seemed awfully real.

After a couple of minutes; I started up the corridor, I might as well have not moved at all. The same identical corridor curved away, in front and behind me. I started to feel a little panicked. Weren’t you meant to wake when you knew it was a dream? I started trying door handles. One opened for me and I nearly fell through it in my haste to be out of the corridor.

I found myself strangely transfixed, in the way that sometimes happens in dreams. I was peering in through a window. Inside, two men, one young and the other old, sat talking by a blazing fire. They could not see me in the night outside.

The young one was speaking, he sounded younger than me. I wished that the glass was clearer, so I could see him, he sounded almost familiar.

“I do not understand what they are master”

The old man had a city accent like the Circuit Judge but even more self assured. He was also fat enough to make two of Mavis. “All creatures were given shapes according to their natures.”

“I learned that much with my catechism”

“I know you did lad, but it is important to keep the fundamentals in mind.”

“I am sorry master”

Don’t apologise so much, you’ll need to defend your points to your peers one day.” “Their nature follows from a simple difference, do you know what it is?”

“They have no shape of their own?”

“Quite so, this does not mean they change only their forms, a shape is the essence of the thing, its true nature. Did you read Zhou’s treatise on shapes?”

“Yes Master; each shape is unique, not only to the class of being, but to the individual also.”

“Good, this is what makes the shapeless what they are. To take a shape, they must take inner shape and they must do this quickly.”

“Why quickly Master?”

“They are like honey mimics pretending to be bees to fool the birds, without their camouflage they are vulnerable.”

I woke with a headache. My sheets were all tangled up; small wonder I had dreamt of being trapped. It was still dark outside but the sun would be up soon.

I groaned, there would be no chance of a lie in. If Mavis saw that my sheets were all sweaty and tangled, she might think I was sickening for something. That woman had an unnatural obsession with herbal concoctions. She had probably missed her calling as a witch.

So, I went about straightening my bed sheets. Once done, there seemed little point getting back into bed. I grabbed the clean intimates Mavis had laid out for me and started pawing through the wardrobe for something to wear.

Father was an early bird, like me. Toast forgotten by his side, he was reading the town gazette. I moved someone’s planning application off my chair and sat down. On the way, filching a role from father’s plate.

Father looked up."Even Earthquake and Murder; isn’t enough to clear the complaints about the market day carts, off the front page"

“Father, I don't thing Mr Nolan killed that man”

“He didn't help his cause running off like he did.” I started to speak but he waived me quiet before continuing. “Still I did talk to Mr Dickson.” “He seemed to think it might have been a family member trying to extort money.”

“I didn't even realise he had family.”

“Neither did I.” “Money has a way of attracting relatives, though.” “Mr Nolan is doing well for himself perhaps his twin though he was owed something.”

“You don’t think.” I said, stopping, not wanting to voice the obvious conclusion.

“I don't know.” “Good people can do bad things when they feel threatened.” “Especially in their own home.”

I didn’t want to think about that at all. So, I changed the subject. “Do you think I'll be able to open the shop up today?”

Thankfully father took the hint and said. “I doubt it.” “Mr Dickson has been itching to use that yellow rope of his.”

“Yellow rope?” I asked.

“A new fad from the city.” “Apparently you rope off an area to keep out the curious.”

“I'd imagine it would be more likely to attract them.”

“That's exactly what I said to him.” “Still, you know Mr Dickson all ways talking about progress and such.”

“How is that progress?” “Nevermind.” “Could you speak to Mr Dickson for me?”

“Whatever for?”

“My bicycle is still there and I didn't close the daybook.”

Father smiled he knew I loved the bike. "Oh we can't have that. I'll have a word with Mr. Dickson."

So, an hour later I was ducking under some yellowish rope. Mr Dickson insisted on holding up a section for me. He looked tired. I suppose, a small earthquake and irregular murder, will do that if you are the only policeman in town.

"Thank you" I said.

"I am always happy to assist the mayor" he said.

Not so happy about assisting me though. Especially not get my bike back. Not everyone thought girls should ride. I thought Mr Dickson liked progress. Perhaps he preferred reading about it, to seeing it ride past him. Still, he did look tired. I could try to be nice.

"I won’t be long.” “I just need to close yesterday's daybook and fetch my bike.”

“I didn't realise you kept the books.” He looked genuinely surprised.

“Why ever not?” I asked, sweetly.

Much to my surprise, he avoided placing his foot in his mouth. "You haven’t worked for him for all that long"

Secretly pleased, I decided not to give him an easy time of it. "Long enough it seems."

“Sorry I meant no offence, it is just you might be able to help me”

“How?” I said, warily.

“Well I haven’t had much call to go looking through ledgers and such like.”

Never let pride make a fool of you. If only I had remembered that maxim, before volunteering to help look through Mr Nolan’s ledgers and daybooks. What away to spend a morning. How come accountants were not all short sighted hunchbacks? I wondered, groaning as I tried to massage the stiffness out of my neck.

Mr Dickson chose that moment to stick his head round the door. “Have you found anything?”

“Not really, just some odd payments”

“Odd. How are they odd?”

“There is money coming in.” “No details, just a notation N in the margin.”

“That is strange.” He said, peering at the entry in the ledger. “If he was being blackmailed money would be going out not coming in.”

I was eager to get out of this chair, so I said. “I don’t think I can be of any more help, sorry.”

He was going to ask me to take another look, I could tell. Inspiration hit and I said. “If you really want to know what is going on you’ll need an accountant.”

So, I am inconsistent. I can use his doubts over my ability, to my advantage if I want to.

I was free. I left Mr Dickson looking as stumped as I felt. I hadn't found anything that would clear or condemn Mr Nolan. Just a letter in the margin of a ledger, an answer to a question I didn't know






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Comments by other Members



Manusha at 14:47 on 26 December 2011  Report this post
Hi Theo, welcome to the group, it's good to see you getting stuck in!

The only thing is that this group works differently to others - it's not a critique group. Here we post a brief outline of our WIP and then post regular updates of how we are progressing with it. The idea is to share encouragement with each other along the writing journey. Have a look at some of the other posts to see what I mean.

I would be great to have you along so we can cheer you on and offer support for when things get tough (which they invariably do!). If you would like some comments on your work it's best to post in a group that suits your genre. Your work is supernatural suspense, and I know that you are already in the Speculative Fiction Group, but you could also join Intensive Critique which is open to all genre's. I'm sure the members there would be happy to comment on your story (I enjoyed chapter 2, by the way!)

Andy

<Added>

I meant I enjoyed chapter one! I'm going to read chapter two as well though while it's here.

Theo at 16:16 on 26 December 2011  Report this post
Thanks Manusha. I’ll be more than happy to beat the war drums on Fast First Draft. That said; I will move this piece to IC for some critiquing.

Manusha at 16:39 on 26 December 2011  Report this post
Welcome to IC, Theo, I'm glad to have the opportunity to read more of your work. And I look forward to cheering you on in FFD!

Midnight at 00:35 on 29 December 2011  Report this post
Hi Theo,
Welcome to IC. Interesting story you have there. There are lots of nice little hooks scattered through the piece making me want to read on. There is plenty of dialogue which you use to move the story along. It is written in first person which you use to keep the reader close to the story most of the time. I love stories written in the first person. This is IC so I do have a couple of nit pick, they are just one persons opinion, use what is of use to you and lose the rest.

I was amazed that someone so obviously ancient could still work dawn to dusk, chivvy the younger servants into exhaustion and still find time to gossip. I had spent half my life listening to her expound darkly on her suspicions of this person or that. I had never been so glad of the excuse of tiredness to turf her out of my room.
These three sentences all start with 'I'. In fact there are quite a few sentences in your lovely story that start with I. It jumps out at me and pulls me out of your wonderful imagination. Perhaps some could be reworded so that you lose some of the 'I's. Also the two last sentences start I had. Do you need both hads? Just an example, but what about something like: How could someone so obviously ancient still work dawn to dusk, chivvy the younger servants into exhaustion and still find time to gossip? Half my life was spent listening to her expound darkly on her suspicions of this person or that. Never had I been so glad of the excuse of tiredness to turf her out of my room. Your words, just in a different order.

I lay there thinking how my birthday now seemed a small thing against the backdrop of earthquake and suspicious death.
I don't think you need the I lay there thinking how.

Still, it was tied to Mr Nolan in some way and the only clue I had
what about changing the end of the sentence to something like: and was my only clue.

I just wish I knew what it is a clue to.
Here we have two 'I' in one sentence you could lose one by changing the I just wish to if only. Is this also a tense slip?

Mr Nolan you are going to have some explaining to do when I find you.

Is she a native English speaker? If she is and she's tell the truth I'd use a contraction for the you are and change it to you're. Non native English speakers tend not to use contractions as do people when they are lying or when they are trying to emphasize something.

I started to feel a little panicked.
I'd love to be shown this. What happened to the MCs breathing, heartbeat ect?

Weren’t you meant to wake when you knew it was a dream?
Nice, I like questions in the narrative. We ask ourselves questions in day to day living all of the time. Questions take me into deeper and closer to your MC.

I wished that the glass was clearer, so I could see him, he sounded almost familiar.
Can you have almost familiar?

Full stop missing here
“I do not understand what they are master”
here
“I learned that much with my catechism”
and here
“I am sorry master”



The old man had a city accent like the Circuit Judge but even more self assured. He was also fat enough to make two of Mavis. “All creatures were given shapes according to their natures.”
For me it would work better with the speech first.

I am sorry
If he is telling the truth I'd change it to I'm.


Don’t apologise so much, you’ll need to defend your points to your peers one day.” “Their nature follows from a simple difference, do you know what it is?”

“They have no shape of their own?”

“Quite so, this does not mean they change only their forms, a shape is the essence of the thing, its true nature. Did you read Zhou’s treatise on shapes?”

“Yes Master; each shape is unique, not only to the class of being, but to the individual also.”

“Good, this is what makes the shapeless what they are. To take a shape, they must take inner shape and they must do this quickly.”

“Why quickly Master?”

“They are like honey mimics pretending to be bees to fool the birds, without their camouflage they are vulnerable.”
In this bit of speech I start to get a bit lost. Perhaps a couple of speech tags. I think part of the reason is because I think you have a couple of typos with rouge speech tags that should be there. I think in this part

Don’t apologise so much, you’ll need to defend your points to your peers one day.” “Their nature follows from a simple difference, do you know what it is?”
It is still the same speaker and that the two speech marks in the middle of the dialogue is a typo but I'm not 100 .

I woke with a headache
Ooo, I'd really love to be shown this. Did she have a throbbing temple with a pulse pounding to the rhythm of a drum?

filching a role
I don't know what this means. Is role supposed to be roll? If so is filching pinching?

Father, I don't thing Mr
Is it supposed to be think?

“Neither did I.” “Money has a way of attracting relatives, though.” “Mr Nolan is doing well for himself perhaps his twin though he was owed something.”
Is this one speaker? If so you have extra speech marks. the same thing happens a little lower in your story. When I re-read it only seems to be one person speaking.

“I don't know.” “Good people can do bad things when they feel threatened.” “Especially in their own home.”
One speaker? If so some typos of extra speech marks.

“A new fad from the city.” “Apparently you rope off an area to keep out the curious.”

“I'd imagine it would be more likely to attract them.”

“That's exactly what I said to him.” “Still, you know Mr Dickson all ways talking about progress and such.”

“How is that progress?” “Nevermind.” “Could you speak to Mr Dickson for me?”
And here I think you have some extra ones.If I'm wrong, perhaps some speech tags would clear up any confusion.

all ways = always

You are missing a comma here
"Thank you" I said
and here
"I am always happy to assist the mayor" he said.


"I won’t be long.” “I just need to close yesterday's daybook and fetch my bike.”
Extra speech marks again.

There are a couple of full stops missing here
“Sorry I meant no offence, it is just you might be able to help me”
and here
“Not really, just some odd payments”


“Odd. How are they odd?”
Odd? How are they odd?

“There is money coming in.” “No details, just a notation N in the margin.”
Extra speech marks.

Just a letter in the margin of a ledger, an answer to a question I didn't know

Full stop missing.

Thanks for sharing your fantastic imagination Theo. I enjoyed reading it and I would like to find out what happens next. You've a few typos that I've tried to pick out because I like it when people pick out my typos (I can never spot them in my own work). Hope this is of use to you, as I said just one persons opinion. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Diane



Theo at 20:44 on 29 December 2011  Report this post
Thanks for the marvellous and detailed critique Midnight. I wrote the last half of the chapter on my phone, hence the punctuation getting a little wonky. You’ve pointed me clear to fixing that up.

I’ll have to really raise my game on providing feedback, given the high quality of what I have received on WW. Mine has always been along the lines of ‘this chapter needs to be crunchier’ which isn’t very helpful.


Lilly_Lass at 20:08 on 01 January 2012  Report this post
Hello Theo, welcome to IC.

A well written interesting piece. I like your MC’s thoughts on Mavis, this is when the MC’s personality really shone for me.

These are just my opinion, and only you know what is right for your work, so ignore anything that doesn’t feel right.

Firstly, there is double “ ” marks within your work.

chivvy the younger servants into exhaustion
Query? I’m the last person to comment on the use of words, but “chivvy” could you verify what you mean, because it pulled me from your story. Where I come from chivvy means knife/stab, and I’m convinced you don’t mean that.

I very slowly and deliberately, pinched myself then shut my eyes and opened them again. I didn’t wake up.
I don’t quite get this. Yes I understand the MC is dreaming, well I thought the MC was dreaming until I read this. “I didn’t wake up.” Is the MC sleeping walking in the dream? Why would the MC be questioning if she’s dreaming or not? I’m not convinced you would question if you were dreaming, if you were dreaming, or that you would know you were still asleep if it was a dream. (I hope you understand what I mean?)

Inside, two men, one young and the other old, sat talking by a blazing fire.
The glass was clear enough to see one was old and one was young, and wouldn’t a fire give light? So, why did you then say…
I wished that the glass was clearer, so I could see him.
Apart from the dirty glass, couldn’t there be something else blocking a clear view of the younger man. Because later on…
He was also fat enough to make two of Mavis
You seem to have a better view on the older man.

They are like honey mimics pretending to be bees to fool the birds
Not sure what you mean here… could it be worded differently? If you read it out loud, it doesn’t sound quite right.

filching a role from father’s plate
Think you might mean, roll.

Especially not get my bike back
This doesn’t read right…


These are only very minor points, and I hope I have helped.

I enjoyed your work, and look forward to reading the next chapter.

Lilly



Theo at 22:20 on 01 January 2012  Report this post
I totally agree about the view through the window description problem. The old guy seems to be easier to see, woops!

I’ve only ever heard, shiv used in reference to stab people. That said there are always new urban words, where did you hear it? I love how English mutates though it can throw you a curve ball from time to time.


Hetty at 15:23 on 09 April 2012  Report this post
Hi Theo

I'm a Londoner and we use chivvy in the context you used so I wouldn't worry too much. It all adds to the flavour of a piece and even if the reader didn't know the word I expect they'd get the gist...

No idea how you manage to draft a story on your phone...I definitely need an old fashioned pen and pad or laptop at least! All the points I'd make are already made above so good luck with the next draft..

Chris


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