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The burden

by M. Close 

Posted: 09 February 2012
Word Count: 285
Summary: For the 'emulating the poet' challenge...I chose Poe


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The Burden

Weary from unending sameness, 'cross the sand unknown and nameless
wandering mind though far from blameless, lead to this ignoble chore.
He struggled on, sun unrelenting and his mind it was tormenting
him with things it was inventing, things he longed to see and so much more.
Oasis with its palm trees shading crystal pools, his lover wading
near the waterfall cascading calling him to join her on the shore.
He longed to linger there forever more

Mirage it was, oh evil vision, done with exquisite precision
captured soul still held in prison of the heart behind an unseen door.
Clarity like lightning flashing, came to him, memory lashing
at his heart, life crashing shattered tattered useless on the floor.
The two lovers paths divided, she would go but he, undecided
would stay, her decision derided, only pleading when she walked on out the door.
How he longed for strong Darjeeling, carefully he was concealing
How his heart and mind were reeling when she walked on out the door.
Now he must find her, nothing more

So this quest he slowly started, months have passed since she departed
For new beginning that she charted for herself on far flung foreign shore.
Now upon the desert weary, mind not sharp instead quite bleary,
survival outlook rather dreary as he fell upon his face to rise no more.
Lack of water slowly draining any strength that was remaining
in his muscles cramped complaining, now void of any movement they once bore.
As he lay there slowly dying, bleary mind struggling, trying
hard to see lost love undying, to see the girl who left him on the shore.
With last breath whispered love to his 'Lenore'










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Comments by other Members



FelixBenson at 10:21 on 11 February 2012  Report this post
Oh I like this one, Mike, it's got that same thumping rhythm of The Raven and all of that layered full rhyme which generates the feeling in the reader of rising tension.

With this type of rhythm it's just like Poe is continually raising the stakes, and you have captured that very well. You've also used uses similar language, themes too. This poem is about a psychological torment - very much Poe's area of expertise, so you've really met the challenge and then some. This rhythm is perfect for a poem like this as the rhythm reflects the feelings of the poem's protagonist.

It's always such a lot of fun reading aloud this sort of poem, I hope you had as much fun writing it!! I particularly enjoyed these lines:
How he longed for strong Darjeeling,
and
Lack of water slowly draining any strength that was remaining
in his muscles cramped complaining, now void of any movement they once bore.
.

What a successful homage to the great Poe, thanks for posting this!

Kirsty

V`yonne at 15:12 on 11 February 2012  Report this post
A fine homage to Poe. Very nicely executed.

Neezes at 01:25 on 12 February 2012  Report this post
Great piece of work, Mike, well done - some smashing rhymes, I especially liked:

Mirage it was, oh evil vision, done with exquisite precisison

You certainly capture the rhythm in this piece, I enjoyed it very much.

Jonathan

Nella at 15:19 on 12 February 2012  Report this post
This was fun, Mike. Wonderful sounds.
Robin


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