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Unseen
Posted: 22 February 2012
Word Count: 36
Summary: for my week 150 challenge
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Unbelievable beauty before him
their eyes meet, sparkle, twinkle.
His voice lost, useless struggles,
like an ant trapped in amber,
to be heard
to be charming.
The fight is lost.
She passes,
he remains, invisible
unseen.
 Comments by other Members
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Posted by :
 tusker at 08:45 on 23 February 2012
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Lovely Mike.
I can see him and feel his disappointment at missing the moment and his lack of confidence.
Loved: His voice lost struggles,
like an ant trapped in amber.
Jennifer
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Posted by :
Nella at 09:01 on 23 February 2012
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Very nice, Mike. I like that simile, too.
Robin
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Posted by :
Neezes at 11:05 on 23 February 2012
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Lovely poem - good use of the words, which are worked in really naturally. I liked the way the structure mirrors the mood - lines getting shorter. You could go one step further and make it an etheree (although that wouldn't work with a 2 syllable final line, I guess)
Jonathan
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Posted by :
Dave Morehouse at 13:25 on 23 February 2012
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Mike - I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It isn't often that I smile and wince simultaneously. (I WAS this character 45 years ago.) Nice work.
She passes,
he remains, invisible
unseen. |
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Not a wasted word in this. Well done.
As I reread I found myself messing about with the central portion.
His voice struggles,
an ant in amber,
to be heard
to be charming.
Just a thought. Really, the poem stands up on its own two feet all the way through. Dave
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Posted by :
V`yonne at 14:59 on 23 February 2012
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Aw what it is to tongue tied.
Outside of this challenge I'd take out the word sparkle since twinkle is better here.
I'd do the line break here differently;
His voice lost, useless
struggles like an ant trapped in amber, |
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That emphasises both struggles and useless. Like is not a great word to begin a line.
Line 7 I'd cut the word 'is'.
I like the word unseen at the end but maybe not for the title as well and you might want to rethink that to somethng that doesn't pre-empt the poem First Sight? The Perfect Woman?
I liked the sort of stammer effect of
to be heard
to be charming. |
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Nicely drawn.
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