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Rejoice

by Rai15 

Posted: 08 January 2004
Word Count: 50
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Come to the ends of the earth
with me
look into tranquillity below
over to darkness
envisage through your eyes

Breath out, sigh
shed a tear
for beauty

Smile
at all that made you once

And stare wide-eyed
at past, present and future
a time of you.
You, your own.






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Comments by other Members



olebut at 19:17 on 08 January 2004  Report this post
Rai

I think you have the good base for a fine poem but I think you should rework the first verse. partly because when I read it i kept misreading it which sort of indicated that perhaps it is a little clumsy.

I think it's the lines

look into tranquility
below over to darkness
envisage through your eyes

I felt that it should be along the lines of

envisage through your eyes
the tranquility of darkness below

but am conscious that this changes the rhythm of the piece

however at the end of the day it is your poem and you must do what you think is right for you

take care

david
Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)

The Walrus at 21:24 on 08 January 2004  Report this post
Rai

I liked the economy of this piece. For me the thoughts/feelings were linked cohesively. For me it captures the essence of wonderment, and wanting to share that with someone else.

I very much like it.

The Walrus
Helpful (0) Made Me Think (0) Made Me Smile (0) Pure Genius (0)


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