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Failure.
Posted: 13 October 2012
Word Count: 13
Summary: A nursery rhyme for Oonah's challenge.
A nursery rhyme for Oonah's challenge.
Related Works: A New Year •
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Wind sways bare branches :
down here this broken nest,
one silent nestling.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 11:48 on 13 October 2012
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Interesting! I didn't expect a haiku this week somehow... Delighted to have got one!
I think 'and' would be better left out.
I was tying to visualize this as I do with haiku and I see autumn and the bare tree so I kind of see the remains rather than a 'nestling'. It may be that a stronger image for that such as:
blenched bones
or
silent husk
or
mess of feathers
might have more impact. The idea is wonderful! Rock-a-bye Failure!
Haiku mostly don't have titles either and this doesn't need one if you can get that last line to deliver the image.
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 Dave Morehouse at 13:15 on 13 October 2012
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Hi Una. I agree with Oonah about dropping the title and using something like ‘blenched bones’(Someone been reading a bit too much horror lately?) for a haiku. That stated, I’m not certain you are going for a haiku here. If that’s the case then I would leave it as is…nestling, title and all. If it’s still a bother you could toss in a line break so the haiku aficionados don’t get their hair in a muss. Perhaps like this:
Wind sways bare branches:
down here
this broken nest
and one silent nestling.
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It is certainly your choice and once everyone has weighed in you may just want to leave it as-is. It is succinct, surprising, and powerful; all features of a great little poem. Just my $.02. Nice work, Dave.
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 joanie at 00:43 on 14 October 2012
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Great response with a haiku! I felt that the 'and' at the end of the line doesn't seem right, somehow; I wonder if it's there to make up the syllable count. However, I would need to check up on the rules of haiku because it could be that it's the thing to do!!?
I love the sentiments and the form! Brilliant.
joanie
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V`yonne at 13:15 on 14 October 2012
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| I wonder if it's there to make up the syllable count. |
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Don't bother! That sy7llable count is based on haiku written in the Japanese language. It doesn't really apply to modern haiku in English. The main criteria for haiku for me is minimalism regarless of works count, syllables or punctuation.
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 Nella at 16:35 on 14 October 2012
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I think this is lovely just as it is. I love the image of that one silent nestling blown from the tree.
Well done!
Robin
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plurabelle at 22:22 on 14 October 2012
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Thanks to all of you, Oonah, Dave, joanie, and Robin, for your responses to my tiny poem - which has made me sweat much more than many a longer work ! If I go with Oonah's haiku definition, I will probably drop 'and', and possibly take Dave's four line suggestion ? So much thought and effort for such a little fragment: I am surprised how much I have enjoyed it.
Una.
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Dave Morehouse at 00:20 on 15 October 2012
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| I am surprised how much I have enjoyed it. |
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So did we! I think that's probably why we all commented; at least that's true for me anyway. Nice work. Dave
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V`yonne at 11:03 on 15 October 2012
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the shorter the piece the more effort is needed. That goes for any writing I think. It's why I love Flash Fiction so much too  Una you may get hooked on haiku - lots of people do. I studied it for a while and it really is a most fascinating form - or discipline, perhaps. EDP would take surely take this with a stronger final line.
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Comments by other Members
